Why do we cling to people who hurt us?

Human relations are necessary for the maintenance of adequate mental health, and constitute one of the factors of protection for psychological problems, such as health habits, socioeconomic status, or predisposition genetics.

Human relationships, when they join us, contribute, help, can make us feel very good. Human beings are social beings and as such, it benefits us to interact. The fact of doing so favors that we feel belonging to a group, loved and accepted.

However, this does not mean that relationships always benefit us, nor that they are mandatory.

Why do we stick with people who hurt us?

Being in a relationship, of any type (friendship, family, partner) exclusively due to a need not to be alone, can negatively influence your mental health and, therefore, become the opposite, a predisposing factor for psychological problems. In fact, relational problems are one of the main reasons why people go to therapy.

The problems that occur in the context of a relationship with a partner or ex-partners, relatives of origin or in-laws, between colleagues or friends or ex-friends, serve as a predisposition and sometimes trigger different symptoms that create difficulties in the day-to-day life of person.

There are some reasons why we can see ourselves in the situation of clinging to people who deep down we believe are not benefiting us, or are even causing us harm.

Sometimes what happens is that we cling to the illusion of feeling like we were at the beginning of the relationship again. Therefore we live rather in the memory we have of what it was and how it was, than in what it really is today. So, we have thoughts in our head such as: "I want to go back to before", "this didn't happen to us before", "we will go back to being what we were", etc.

So it is worth analyzing your relationship from time to time, to observe how you feel in the present with her, what things you lack or have in excess, How could you "renegotiate" the conditions of your relationship if you see it as necessary?, etc. Doing this constantly will require a lot of energy, but doing this analysis every so often can help you realize the real reasons why you continue in that relationship and know what changes you have to make, in the event that it has to be modified something.

A dynamic of emotional dependency

On other occasions, especially in the context of a relationship, we attribute to the person the ability to heal us. So, directly or indirectly, we hold him responsible for our emotions, with what this entails: "I myself do not take responsibility for to be better, and normally the other finds himself with a responsibility that he either doesn't know he has, or he has but doesn't know how manage". This puts us in a situation of vulnerability that causes a negative spiral in the relationship.

Each one is responsible for what she thinks, feels, and does. Your partner can help you feel better, but the analysis of what is happening, the solution initiatives, and the management of your own emotions will start with you. In some of these relationships, we also expect whoever is hurting us to make amends for us, so we turn to a source of discomfort to try to find comfort, with the frustration and resignation that this entails.

A submission role to the other

Finally, we may cling to certain relationships that no longer contribute to us because we consider that we do not have the right to express an opinion, criticize, decide, or set limits on the relationship. In the most serious cases, the person may be being denigrated and continue in a very harmful relationship. for him/her, with the consequent damage to his/her self-esteem. People with low self-esteem tend to be more emotionally dependent in their relationships, to exercise worse their assertive rights and ultimately are more vulnerable to clinging to relationships that are being negative for they

In this sense, if you detect that your self-esteem is low, it is best that you turn to a health specialist. that can adequately assess your problems and needs and indicate the tools to use to improve.

On certain occasions it can help you to ask in your environment, support you in your social network, which can provide you with a different point of view and sometimes more objective, regarding the rights you have in that relationship. Your environment can even help you find the best words to express your needs, your criticisms, your opinions, etc. within that relationship that you are clinging to. Also tell you how to set proper boundaries. It is important to choose well in which people you place your trust when asking for advice, so that you can freely express what you want without feeling judged.

Concluding...

Relationships are a source of satisfaction and well-being. They generate love, satisfaction, pleasure, fun, connection, etc. This is why they become a very important part of our lives. However, relations must not continue at any cost, especially when we detect that they are being a source of excessive stress and cause us a lot of unnecessary pain. It can happen that they become a source of dissatisfaction, discomfort, sadness, guilt or frustration. In relationships there are conflicts, and learning to deal with them is necessary, if breaking the relationship as soon as there is a problem. But this should not condition us when it comes to setting the necessary limits and letting go of those relationships that are harming us.

How to identify harmful relationships, or get out of them, can be a complicated and expensive process, as well as painful, we encourage you to consult a health professional mental health, who can guide you in this identification and communication process, as well as help you in the process of overcoming grief for the loss of a relationship in the event that it ends I finished. Asking for help is very healthy and sometimes essential, to address certain psychological problems.