How to reveal a Family Secret?

The family represents that first social group to which we belong in our lives. It is in it where the roots of who we are are built, where we form our first links and acquire a particular vision of the world. Through family ties we also build an identity and a concept of what we are supposed to be. In short, the first family ties shape the foundations of our person.

In an ideal situation, the family is a space of unconditional love, support and protection. Although as we grow we are managing to make our own path, our loved ones will forever represent that safe place to return to. However, the reality is that many families show problematic dynamics that lead them to fail to function. Instead of being warm snuggling nests, they can feel like the coldest of igloos. They can even be terrifying environments like hell itself.

There is no doubt that perfect families only have space in the movies. Absolute harmony is impossible in a network so full of intricacies and complexity, where each member occupies a specific role, ambivalent emotions appear, bonds and alliances are formed, and invisible legacies from previous generations are carried over.

One of the issues that cloud the dynamics of many families has to do with the preservation of secrets. Taboos locked in a chest whose key is passed from hand to hand, from parents to children, over and over again. Secrets can cause enormous suffering from the guilt and shame normally associated with them. Sometimes, secrets create hierarchies in families, marking the difference between those members who know them and those who don't.

At some point, many families make the decision to reveal that secret that has been tormenting them for too long. However, opening Pandora's box is a delicate thing that requires tact and care.

In this article we will talk about how to reveal a family secret.

good and bad secrets

In broad strokes, we all know what a secret is. Generally, keeping something a secret means not sharing certain information (a behavior, a fact, a feeling...) with other people for some reason. Although all secrets are related to hiding and hiding, they can have a positive or negative connotation depending on their purpose. It is not the same to keep an infidelity secret from your partner than to prepare a surprise birthday party.

When we talk about family secrets in psychology, we generally refer to secrets of a negative type, which are used in a certain way as a weapon of power. Normally, only some of the members know the secret information, which gives those who do have an advantage over the others. However, keeping secrets in families can sometimes be adaptive. Keeping certain information hidden can help maintain the balance of the system and its operation.

In any case, secrets often end up giving rise to harmful dynamics between family members. Children are usually the most affected, since they experience feelings such as fear, guilt or shame for having to lie to those around them. The emotional burden associated with secrets can leave a very painful mark on the family that is passed down from generation to generation.

Regarding the theme of secrets, these usually revolve around situations typically linked to what is taboo and what is prohibited, which can damage the image that the family transmits abroad. Among them are issues such as adoptions, abortions, false relationships, mourning associated with suicide or infant death, orphanhood, sexuality, mental illness, addictions, morality, religion... and a long etc.

When a secret dominates the dynamics of a family, a powerful law of silence is established. which prohibits the possibility of speaking about these issues. Members know they don't have permission to open that drawer and try to act like it doesn't exist.

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The influence of the sociocultural context on the family secret

Far from what it may seem, the family is not a hermetic social group. On the contrary, it is in constant interaction with the environment in which it is located, which allows the exchange of influences. In relation to the problem of secrecy, the social conditions in which a family is inserted condition which topics are subject to taboo. For this reason, the same situation can be cause for shame in one period of history or community and not in another. It is enough to take a look just a few decades back to see how very normalized issues today, such as divorce or abortion, were cause of deep social stigma.

Beyond the theme, secrets usually always fulfill a similar function. When they appear, they do so with the aim of making pain invisible, of hiding something as if this were going to be a guarantee that it would disappear from memory. When a distressing event becomes repressed, this automatically prevents its correct elaboration. What is more, the paradox occurs that when a painful situation tries to hide, usually the suffering and the relevance of said situation increase.

Although over time the way of keeping the secret changes, as long as the dynamics tending to repress pain persist, it will be difficult for the family to be fully functional.

Family secrets are a much more frequent phenomenon than it seems. In fact, most families have more or less important secrets. After all, no one is born in a completely neutral scenario. We are all born in a particular family context, we are one more page in a book with many previous chapters already written. From the moment our life begins, many times without wanting to, we are perpetuating that story.

Transgenerational memory is key for people to understand what they do and what they are. Without reflecting on previous generations, we may not fully understand our circumstances today. Therefore, making the decision to reveal a secret tactfully can be a way of breaking a cycle that has been tormenting all previous generations. This can help to turn a new page without the feeling that there are pages torn out in previous chapters of the book.

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How to reveal a family secret?

Imagine the case of a family in which the father has been in prison during his youth, a secret that the children are not aware of. Taking the step of making a revelation like this will disrupt family relationships and the image that children have of their parent. Of course, it will also affect the mother, who, as an accomplice in said secret, has an important role in the entire family.

First of all, you should keep in mind that revealing that family secret is not going to imply an immediate and radical return to normality. In fact, the most likely thing is that such a revelation stirs emotions, generates changes and reactions of all kinds in the environment. Taking this realistic view is important to prepare yourself in advance. However, as painful as it may be, sharing the truth is always more healing than keeping a harmful secret. However, because of this it is essential to know how to choose when and how the revelation will take place.

On the other hand, it is also important to clarify that, in matters of family secrets, it is more appropriate to speak of confirmation rather than revelation. Often, members who are unaware of the secret also suffer in some way from the consequences of it, expressing suspicions and doubts and finding no answer to numerous questions. Therefore, bringing to light the hidden is a way of confirming everything that resonated within them.

Other relevant considerations when revealing a secret:

1. Anticipate possible consequences and effects

Before you talk about it, it's important to think about how your disclosure will affect the rest of the family. Reflect on how relationships between members may be affected and how you yourself may be affected by this new reality.

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2. Pick the right time

When it comes to revealing a secret there never seems to be a good time. However, as a general rule it is preferable talk about it in a daily, calm moment, without too much expectation. Choosing a special event or a designated day is not the best idea, since the impact is magnified much more.

3. accept your responsibility

When making the decision to reveal a secret, it is important to accept responsibility for all that this entails. Sometimes uncovering a taboo subject can have unintended consequences. and even give rise to other secrets that you did not know. Being responsible implies taking charge of that turn that is going to take place. It is not responsible to open up a painful and secret issue and then act as if the disclosure never happened. If you are going to take the step, do it with all the consequences.

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4. Raise the possibility of doing family therapy

Family therapy can be the ideal space to uncover a secret. On an individual basis, you can discuss this with your therapist and reflect on how you are going to do the disclosure in session. Doing it in this scenario will help you to have greater security, counting on a mediating figure who can keep the situation within controlled channels. In addition, family therapy will also be of enormous help after the fact, since any revelation implies changes and readjustments in the family system.