Why many people fail us, and how to avoid it

One of the first lessons we learn as we enter adulthood is that justice is something created by humans, not a principle that governs nature. Beyond some religious and clearly metaphysical concepts such as the karma, we assume that the normal thing is that we have to fight for justice, instead of letting it be done alone.

But knowing this does not make certain relationship problems become less frustrating. The appearance in our lives of people who fail us when we think they should be there for us it is one of those unsettling experiences in the face of which we do not always know how to reply.

• Related article: "Half of our friendships may not be reciprocated, according to a study"

When personal relationships disappoint us

It has happened to all of us; There are people with whom, despite having shared good times and conversations full of sincerity, we end up distancing ourselves when we see that they are not there when we need them most. Even after we've done them big favors.

The disappointment that is experienced in these cases is not usually the cause of the distance, but

another of the consequences of that little betrayal. However, in those moments we often remember that, technically, others do not have to fit our expectations. For something they are beings completely independent of us, they do not exist to satisfy our needs. The fact that when we were little we had fathers and mothers who encouraged some actions and penalized others does not mean that nature distributes rewards and punishments automatically. It is a fact that favors do not have to be returned.

But… should we settle for that explanation? When we realize that the people who fail us are becoming suspiciously numerousAre there no other possible explanations besides mere chance?

Why is hardly anyone there for me?

It is important to understand that in practically any personal problem there are causes (not necessarily to blame) in ourselves and in the context in which we live. Since to understand the second factor it is necessary to study it on a case-by-case basis, we will now look at two possible explanations related to the second factor. Both indicate a chance to improve the situation.

A bias toward toxic relationships

We may have a bias to especially appreciate the company of a profile of people who simply commits very little to relationships or friendships. People with a superficial charm, for example, who are very friendly but always keep their distance so as not to get involved in other people's problems. Or simply extremely individualistic and not solitary people who, due to their rebellious appearance, seem attractive to us.

If we spend a good deal of the time and effort of building friendships making contact with these people, we may find ourselves We will be more frustrated in the medium and long term, when a good part of the people with whom we interact begin to fail us

that's why it's good reflect on the possible existence of these biases and reorient the mission of meeting people to other people or social circles. Perhaps prejudices and the limited variety of places through which we relate to others are limiting our chances of meeting people who are a good fit for us.

• You may be interested in: "23 signs that you have a 'toxic relationship' as a couple"

Learn to be there for yourself

Good and evil are not two totally separate elements from each other. Both depend largely on the context of the person who reproduces them through their acts. For example, it is not the same to steal as part of the middle class than to do it while begging. Taking this into account, it is understood that the same people who totally ignore our needs or care about us can become very good friends of ours in a somewhat different context.

And what could be causing that potential friendship to only be experienced as something totally superficial? Among other things, it may have to do with a problem of self-esteem and assertiveness.

If others perceive that we do not value ourselves, they tend to imitate our behavior, because we are the best experts on ourselves. Part of the absence of the people who are there to accompany us and support us may be due to the fact that we are sending the signal that doing that is unnecessary.

For example, if we systematically give up defending our points of view, or defending ourselves against unfair criticism, the idea that we communicate is that the Giving up is our way of life and therefore no one should sacrifice time and effort to support us, because we don't even do it in the first place. us.

In any case, it must be clear that although the responsibility of improving our self-esteem and assertiveness is ours, that does not mean that the fault of what others do to us is also our fault. In fact, it is possible that the self-esteem problem originated from the unfair behavior of others towards us and that, from there, a vicious circle of self fulfilling prophecies (the others take us little seriously because we anticipate that they will).