How to learn to Say No?

The inability to say "no" is one of the aspects that can most affect our daily lives, oddly enough. Not only on an individual level (since it often causes feelings of frustration and anger at not being able to set limits) clear), but also harm our relationships, since our immediate environment gets used to our lack of assertiveness and can therefore take advantage of it.

Setting healthy boundaries isn't always easy, we know. However, it is necessary to enhance assertiveness as much as possible. Although sometimes it is necessary to go to therapy, in this article we propose a series of tips that will make it easier for you to say no.

Learning to say "no": tips to achieve it

It is quite usual that not knowing how to say no to situations that we do not want or feel that violate our limits is due to fear of rejection by others. It is also quite common that people who are not assertive and fall into submissive behaviors have had an education based on the "importance" of sacrifice to others.

We offer you some tips that can help you lose your fear of setting the necessary limits and saying "no" when appropriate. All of them require distance from oneself, the only way to carry out the proper self-examination that will allow us to understand where we "failed" and where we can improve. At first it will be difficult, of course (it's normal), but over time you will notice an incredible improvement when it comes to defending your interests and setting the limits you need.

1. Be clear about your priorities

It is logical; In order to establish limits, it is necessary to know well what our priorities are, that is, what is important to us and what we are willing to consent to and what we are not.

To be clear about what these priorities are, write down in a notebook or mentally reflect on what things are most important to you and what others are not so much. For example: "It is important to me that they respect my break time at work", which means that during that time you are not available to "help" anyone with any task.

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2. Reflect on your actions

Does it really compensate you to maintain the satisfaction of a person to the detriment of your interests? To what extent do you do it to help? Could it be that you do it for fear of disappointing her? And, above all: are you giving up things that are important to you (see point 1) to make that person happy?

As you can see, asking yourself certain questions from time to time can help you a lot to clarify your situation and reinforce your priorities.

3. Think if the "nuisance" really is such

This technique is very simple. Think for a moment that you refuse to do what a person asks of you; then, put yourself in that person's place and ask yourself if the refusal is really that serious. The answer will probably be a resounding “no”.

And it is that many times we are unable to say no for the simple fact that we distort the discomfort that this will produce in the other. This is generally not the case, and When we start to be assertive, we realize that the discomfort is not as serious as fear made it out to be..

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4. Examine your vision of yourself

The inability to say "no" is closely linked to a low self-esteem. People who do not value themselves or value themselves little have the mistaken belief that they owe something to others, and that by the simple fact of refusing to do something they are doing a lot of damage to the other.

In order to correctly evaluate this vision of "ballast" that we have of ourselves (well, in order not to "disturb" or to prevent the rejection, we grant others all wishes), it is necessary to carry out an analysis of the vision we have of ourselves themselves. Let's stop at what parts of us we owe to others and vice versa, and we will realize that we are not as much indebted to others as we imagine.

5. Draw a parallel between yourself and unassertive people

The idea is not to compare yourself to see "who is worse", but rather to see where you can improve. Take a moment to imagine what characteristics you think people who can't say no have, and then think about yourself.

Do you agree on some points? What do you think you can work on to improve your assertiveness? Are there some specific people with whom it is more difficult for you to say “no”?