Why do I like who passes me?

You may know this effect as ghosting, which derives from the word “ghost” (ghost). It is possible that the person your friend has caught suddenly stop answering messages or calls and ignore him/her.

Normally we all know someone to whom this has happened at some time, without understanding that he has to let him totally hooked on that relationship that comes and goes, and... if you don't know anyone, it's probably because you are the one who does. has suffered.

• Related article: "The psychology of attraction, in 12 keys"

skinner and his pigeons

To better understand why we get "hooked" on that person, we must name b. F. skinner, a psychologist who explained how this way of acting works and called it intermittent reinforcement. He carried out an experiment with pigeons, using a device called the "Skinner drawer" which consisted of a cage with a pigeon in it and an apparatus that could dispense food to the pigeon in such a way random.

Skinner began training pigeons to press a lever every time they wanted to get food. Initially, the pigeons received food every time they pressed the lever, known as continuous reinforcement. However, he found that this was not very effective in the long term, since

the pigeons stopped pressing the lever when they felt satisfied.

Instead, he began using a technique called intermittent reinforcement, in which the pigeons were just randomly fed each time they pressed the lever. This caused the pigeons to press the lever more frequently, since they did not know when they were going to receive their reward. Finding that it was more effective than continuous reinforcement in the long term, as the pigeons kept pressing the lever even when they were no longer receiving food.

Also, conducted experiments administering food randomly, whatever they did. The pigeons went "crazy" because, despite receiving random food, they believed that they got it because of the last thing they had done, so who ended up performing rituals such as flapping their wings, pecking the ground and a long etcetera, believing that the food would appear by do it.

• You may be interested in: "The 16 types of reinforcers (and their characteristics)"

intermittent reinforcement in relationships

How does this work in our relationships? That person you ask how you are and he answers you after three lucky days, that you stay with him or her and everything is going great, but then it seems that he has no interest in meeting you again or that one day he is super nice to you and the next he ignores you. That type of relationship is based on intermittent reinforcement.

People reacted similarly to pigeons in this experiment. A person appears in our lives who makes us feel very good, everything seems wonderful, he gives us love, and we want to continue doing the same thing we were doing to get more. But At a given moment, all this reinforcement that he gave us ends and you continue to want to be given those positive things, you continue to be that pigeon that presses the lever hoping to find the food "reinforcement".

Probably, at some point, it will come back to you, and you will think that it is because of something you have done, so when it disappears you will continue trying to do whatever it takes to make it appear again in your life, Testing what you “already thought worked”. You will be waiting for the crumbs of affection, creating a dependency on something that you do not really know if it will return.

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

Solutions?

We can learn to identify this behavior, know what this intermittent reinforcement is and the addictive effects it has on our brain. You are not to blame and you are not a worse person for this happening to you, it is possible that you do not take into account other external variables that you cannot control. You may already be in this type of relationship and you don't quite know how to get out of it. One of the options is to work on your self-esteem, you will stop feeling that you are a "stupid" for being there and you will understand what has made you hooked on this relationship, how to set limits and improve your life.

If you feel identified, in the Psychology center PsychoAlmería We will help you in a personalized way both online and in person.