Keys to escape the vicious circle of anger

Is anger a positive or negative emotion? Let's think of all the times that anger has dominated us; how we have acted, probably uncontrollably and in the consequences.

The answer seems easy, right? Negative, you will be thinking. That is why we must learn to control it. But the question is tricky, because although it is hard to believe, it is both positive and negative. We usually classify emotions at one extreme or another, but the truth is that they are all adaptive, they all exist because they fulfill a function. Even anger? Yeah.

Related article: "How to control anger? 7 keys to manage it"

What is anger exactly?

Anger, which we can also call anger or rage for convenience, informs us that something is wrong so that we can defend ourselves. As? Increasing our tension, activating us so that we can spring into action, either to complain to a friend about how much it bothers us that he is always late and never notifies us or to tell our boss who cannot ask us to have a report prepared for the next day, because we need at least one week.

What others do, ask or demand of us, sometimes leaves us in a compromising and uncomfortable situation in which we debate between what is correct and what we need to do. With the previous examples, many of you will have felt identified, but you will probably have found fault with it: "if I tell you that my friend will be angry with me, maybe it is better that I also arrive late and that's it..." or "if I tell my boss that I will fire". You are right. And not. Let me explain why.

The phases of anger... and how to escape its clutches

If it is the first time that our friend is late or that our boss asks us to work all the night to meet a deadline, it will bother us, but we will put up with it, because it is not that bad either, No? But if it has really bothered us, that tension is not expressed, that is, it is not released..

Therefore, it accumulates. When we get home after a day of dogs, we are irritable and at the slightest jump. Who has not happened to pay with another person the anger that we have been accumulating all day? That is the tension I mean. It doesn't go away. In the same way that we blow up a balloon more and more and more… until at last it bursts.

When anger takes over our brain

When the explosion occurs, we are outside of ourselves and it is precisely then that it becomes more difficult to control ourselves, because that is what we have been doing up to that moment. Or at least that's what we think we do, but drowning, ignoring or burying our emotions is not really controlling them. In order to do so, we must first know and understand them.

The vicious cycle of anger

In order to better understand anger, the first step is to discover what it is made of. On the one hand, we have the things that bother us, whether they are behaviors of others, events that happen around us and seem unfair and/or uncontrollable or worries, memories of past situations that still cause us anger, etc. In order to identify what our causes of anger are, it is enough to answer the following question: What drives me crazy?

When we have a list or have thought of a time when we have felt this way, we will move to the next level: what do I think when I get angry? We may go blank, it may seem like an overwhelming problem that we can't cope with and we have thoughts in absolute terms: "The same thing always happens to me" "He will never change" "He is never there when I need him" "I can't trust no one". This is the cognitive component, it refers to everything that goes through our mind.

Effects and consequences of angry outbursts

What do I feel in my body when I get angry? I bet no one will feel relaxed. The heart beats more forcefully, we find it difficult to breathe or hyperventilate, we shake, our hands sweat... We are referring to the physiological component.

With these thoughts and these bodily reactions, how do I usually act? I yell, argue heatedly, insult, threaten, push, throw objects, leave without explaining myself, slam the door, cry, etc. This is the behavioral component, the way I deal with the situation once it has overwhelmed me, how I release the accumulated tension.

As you may have imagined, these components are not independentThey are related to and influence each other. And it is that if I am thinking that the situation has no solution, that they always take advantage of me, etc., the way in which I perceive reality will be distorted, because it only I will realize what is good for me at this moment, that is, how unfair people are, how badly they treat me, how angry I am... because they will be arguments that give me the reason. While the positives will go unnoticed by me.

This will increase my nervousness, my tension, as well as my bodily reactions, alerting me to what is happening. If, at this point, I let anger dominate me, surely my behavior will be excessive, hurtful and even violent. Which will only bring negative consequences. Not only family, social or work problems, but also negative feelings about myself.

Several keys to learn to manage these emotions

How could I have acted like that? How have I gotten to this point? The idea we have about ourselves and how we behave will undergo a change with the new information. We may not know who we are or what we are capable of doing in a tense situation.

That is why the first step to be able to control anger is to answer the above questions, reflecting on what I think, feel and how I act on it. Well, it is important to keep in mind that it is not the behaviors of others that cause us anger, but the way in which we react to them.