Is it true that people don't change?

When someone behaves in a questionable way over and over again, it is common for those around them to blurt out the phrase: "People don't change". In addition, it is likely that they have arguments in this regard to support said premise.

But have we ever stopped to think if this is really so? Is it true that we do not have the ability to change, even partially? In this article, we will develop the different edges that this topic has.

Can a person change?

As we said, the situations in which this expression appears allude to circumstances in which someone considers that another person should change. However, in order to determine if a person can change or not, it is necessary to specify that.

If we refer to modifying a certain aspect of the personality deeply rooted, often determined by a series of experiences that have occurred in the history of a person, it may be that expecting someone to change in such a way is an unreasonable expectation. realistic.

People have learned certain ways to behave with the people around us and with ourselves.

. In other words, we could hold that a person's personality—that is, those patterns of behavior, thoughts, and emotions that human beings tend to carry out frequently and, therefore, that we repeat over time— it would be strange if it were modified by complete.

And it is that, although personality is a stable element in a person, this does not mean that it is static. An interesting aspect about personality is that it does not leave aside the contingencies of the physical, social and cultural environment in which the person usually develops. A person can change their habitual behaviors or thoughts, but they will not succeed spontaneously, but requires a powerful motivation to achieve it.

We emphasize the idea that a person will not change spontaneously not because she is incapable of achieving it on her own, but because throughout her life she has become used to relate to experience in one specific way and not another, which in itself is not a problem. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that it is the most effective way to bond with others in an assertive way, or to build a valuable life; rather, that way of feeling, expressing or behaving is "normal" according to her learning history. To change, the person must perceive how ineffective their frequent reactions or behaviors can be in certain scenarios.

In short, we could say that they are genetic factors, the upbringing we received at an early age, and even the environments in which we grew up and certain more or less traumatic experiences, those that affect how and who we are.

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Motivations to change

Once again, although the core of the personality itself is difficult to modify, this is not a problem, nor does it mean that someone cannot significantly change their life, but implies that there must be a genuine motivation to achieve it. The possibilities of what we can change are practically endless. if there is something that drives us to do it: how we deal with the difficulties that may get in our way; the way in which we regulate our emotions in difficult situations and what actions we take as a consequence; what decisions we make to turn towards a life worth living according to our personal values ​​instead of following implicit dictates, and we could go on.

These motivations are individual, very different from each other although equally valid. It may be that a person has realized that her frequent behaviors lead him again and again to states of discomfort, or that they are not the most functional to deal with the events that are faced in the everyday. It can also happen that someone wants to change to relate in a different way in their interpersonal life. Even so, it is important to emphasize that this idea moves away from the simple "if you want, you can", because we know that the Improvement processes —whether within the framework of psychotherapy or outside of it— can be complex, stagnant or present ups and downs

• You may be interested in: "How to learn from mistakes: 9 effective tips"

The challenges of carrying out a personal change

In this way, change is not something that happens by the mere fact of wanting it, but also involves putting an action plan into practice to achieve it. For this, the person who wishes to undertake a process of personal transformation must also be willing to expose himself to situations that he normally tends to avoid. To arrive at new places, to new ways of thinking, behaving or feeling, it is necessary to walk new paths.

At the same time, walking these unknown paths often involves discomfort or discomfort, and the person must be willing to accept the difficult emotions that change entails. Yes, living a different life can involve experiences where fear or anxiety emerges, but the changes can become tangible. still in presence of those difficult emotions. Again, the road is winding, but the benefits of change can be much more valuable in the long run.

Putting these guidelines into practice, suppose a person wishes to change her behavior when he meets his partner because when she does something that angers him, he tends to respond in a different way. aggressive. It may be difficult to instantly stop feeling strong emotions when your partner acts in a way that you find upsetting, for example, doing the dishes wrong.

However, if the person wants to connect in a different way with others (since it is very probable that the aggressive form transfers it to other areas of your life), you must be willing to experience that anger, often feeling uncomfortable doing so, but with the purpose of "undertaking new roads". This could be embodied in concrete acts such as, for example, taking diaphragmatic breaths in order to be able to communicate clearly and precisely how you feel about this situation and what is the attitude you would think appropriate for your partner to adopt in consequence.

In short, we could say that the phrase "people do not change" has a share of truth as there are stable ways of behaving that are difficult to change. However, there is always the possibility of changing in order to manage one's own baggage, the personal stories that have determined who we are and what are our virtues and defects, in order to begin to shape a conscious life and according to what really suits us. matter. Psychotherapy is usually very useful to achieve this responsibly, under the guidance of a specialized professional.