What does it mean to learn to be alone?

Have you ever listened to the advice "you should learn to spend more time alone"? Most likely, yes, or, failing that, that you have read somewhere post about it in that social network in which you spend the most time.

And it is that, due to the digital age in which we live, we are increasingly exposed to receiving flows of information about how we could maintain a healthier lifestyle, both physically and psychological. Within this dimension, we could include messages aimed at questioning the way in which we relate to others.

Understanding what it is to learn to be alone

Although it is true that what we read or hear out there must be taken with a grain of salt —since there is disinformative content going around both the social networks as well as our group of friends—it is true that the advice that we should learn to be alone could be useful for some people.

The problem is that many times we automatically repeat this phrase without knowing what it means to be alone and how we would benefit from such learning; therefore, it will be this topic that we will develop next.

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Personal ties and loneliness

There are as many types of relationships as there are people in the world, whether they are family relationships, friendships, simple acquaintances, or couples. Even, in some cases, the ways of relating to others are hybrids between these categories or can even be reduced to a mere label. The bonds and social relationships that people intertwine are dynamic and changing; and therefore, they can also be ephemeral.

When for one reason or another the bond between two people presents a certain distance, it is possible that the ghost of loneliness appears in one of the two parties.. It is common for this to occur in certain situations where there is a physical separation, which can be relatively significant. —for example, when there are long trips or migrations involved, or as happened with the distancing that many ties had to overcome as a result of the coronavirus pandemic—, but a person can also feel alone when that other person is carrying out other activities without him or she; perhaps when you are enjoying your own hobbies, at work, or in gatherings with your own friends.

On the other hand, it would not be entirely comprehensive to enclose the experience of loneliness in physical distance: a person can feel lonely even when there is physical and even affective proximity to their loved ones dear ones Given the wide range of circumstances in which human beings are susceptible to feeling lonely, the following question may appear: Why is it so difficult for us to loneliness?

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Why is it so hard for us to be alone?

Well, to answer this question it is tempting to resort to arguments that fall on our individual abilities. We could argue that many people find it difficult to be alone since they have had partners throughout much of their adult life, and that by such experience has not allowed them to develop certain apprenticeships; or that many have not been instilled from an early age how important it is to cultivate their own autonomy when it comes to bonding emotionally with others and, therefore, they experience difficulties coping with loneliness.

These arguments could be valid, since the learning stories and situations that we experience throughout of the years are decisive when it comes to understanding why we relate to others in one way and not another.

However, it is also important to get rid of that backpack a bit, since there is a reality that we tend to ignore but, nevertheless, knowing it could be liberating: human beings do not have a natural or intrinsic reason to "enjoy" the loneliness. From a phylogenetic position, that is, contemplating the historical journey of the human species, being alone posed a severe risk to our survival at some point. On the one hand, we would have been easy prey for a predator if we were far from others with whom to defend each other. In the second instance, if we had not related to others and remained alone, we would never have developed language. Language was a great advantage for survival, since the possibility of categorizing reality events into concepts quickly allowed us to establish faster ways of communicate with our peers, make inferences about the phenomena of the world, and prevent future dangers that could occur in he. Of course, not to mention simply that being alone we could not reproduce.

It is true that the challenges of that time do not threaten our lives today, but recovering our background as a human species allows us to explain that it is logical and expected that loneliness is an experience disgusting. Knowing this could lighten the burden of responsibility that many people feel from having a hard time being alone. Although the intentions are good, on several occasions, that "you should learn to be alone" is even presented as an imperative capable of causing more suffering instead of helping.

It is also curious to consider that although language has made it possible for us to a great extent survival, from some theoretical positions it is considered that the origin of the human suffering.

Let's see this in relation to loneliness. We could take a few seconds to close our eyes and imagine how we would experience a significant loss for us, such as a job, an ideal or a loved one. By doing this exercise, we will be able to notice that we are able to feel the physical sensations of pain without the need for the difficult event to occur. Such a phenomenon is only possible with language.

Now let's think about the infinity of situations that can develop when connecting with others for the mere fact of that we have language, for example, in how we can come to erroneously assume the thoughts and emotions of others according to to our personal stories and the narratives we tell ourselves (that is, an interweaving of more, and more, and more language). From this perspective, we can measure how complex the experience of loneliness is today: because of language, you don't literally have to be alone to feel alone.

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What is the meaning of learning to be alone?

Taking these observations into account, we can move towards the heart of the matter, towards the learning that we can recover from solitude. Although we don't have to like it, learning to regulate how we act when we feel alone is an extremely important skill to establish responsible affective bonds with others.

Learning to be alone means friends with the unpleasant emotions and thoughts that we so often try to eliminate; It means accepting that it is not wrong to feel fear and pain in loneliness, that such an experience results from our history as people and, why not, as humans. Learning to be alone means understanding that we don't have to make an effort to like solitude if it doesn't arise spontaneously; but also assume that even in the presence of discomfort we can carry out actions committed to the type of people we want to be and the way we want to connect with who we love

In short, the meaning of learning to be alone is to understand that this ghost at some point in our lives can appear, but that we will have the ability to return to the present moment and meet with ourselves to make decisions did you know With the feeling of loneliness and not fight against it.