Fear of intimacy: what it is, how it affects us and what are its causes

While it is true that not all relationships between human beings are the same nor are they experienced in the same way by their members, the Intimacy is one of the most important elements for relationships to consolidate, prosper and stay alive over time, by being based on a strong emotional bond that, in turn, exists on the basis of commitment and a certain degree of understanding mutual.

Intimacy between two people consists of being able to share all kinds of information and private experiences and personal with another person in a two-way and reciprocal way: feelings, emotions, ideas, aspirations or dreams.

Accepting the other unconditionally and learning daily about her way of being and her personality is another way to gain intimacy, something that helps us maintain these lasting relationships.

However, some people have, for various reasons, an exacerbated fear of establishing a intimate relationship with another person and remain closed to progress in the relationship interpersonal. So that, let's see the characteristics of fear of intimacy and its implications.

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

What is the fear of intimacy?

Intimacy is what makes relationships work; an essential part in any relationship between people, whether in a couple, between close friends or with close relatives.

On the other hand, the fear of intimacy is a form of “emotional self-sabotage” in which a person avoids becoming too emotionally attached with a significant other for fear of being harmed in the future or for fear that the relationship may end in the short term.

This phenomenon is also known as "relational anxiety" and is related to the inability of a person to build emotionally significant social relationships, as well as for sharing all kinds of emotions or feelings towards others.

People with a fear of intimacy do want to build normal and fulfilling relationships with their partners or close friends; however, it is impossible for them due to fear, anxiety and discomfort caused by the possibility of being abandoned, damaged or betrayed.

• You may be interested in: "What is fear? Characteristics of this emotion"

How is the fear of intimacy expressed?

Although each person experiences this psychological phenomenon in a particular way, these are the main manifestations of fear of intimacy.

1. Tendency to always make decisions for oneself

People who suffer from a fear of intimacy have a remarkable tendency to make all sorts of important decisions for themselves. without consulting your partner at any time.

Likewise, there is usually a communication deficit in the couple because these people never do anything in a shared way or ask for help or advice from the other member of the relationship.

2. Believing that expressing feelings is a sign of weakness

Another of the classic signs of this disorder consists of believing that expressing feelings is a sign of weakness; that is why no fear, need or emotional difficulty is ever shared.

It is usual that showing feelings of any kind is also perceived as an open window to all kinds of damage that can be inflicted from the outside.

3. sexual difficulties

As psychology and sexology professionals indicate, the fear of intimacy is also closely related to sexual difficulties or dysfunctions of all kinds.

This has to do with the anxiety these people experience, and the fear of revealing their insecurities related to nudity and the act of having sexual relations itself, which is associated with sexual self-esteem.

• You may be interested in: "Sexual self-esteem: what it is, how it affects us, and how to improve it"

4. Avoid talking about the past

Along the lines of avoiding sharing anything, it is also common for these people to avoid talking about their past or about traumatic, difficult or painful events that they have had to experience.

Thus, it is avoided at all times to talk about past fears and distressing experiences, even going so far as to lie about any topic from the past.

6. Weak personal ties but adequate social skills

Although people with a fear of intimacy are not capable of establishing meaningful emotional bonds, they do may have remarkable social skills that allows them to have daily social relationships with other people in a satisfactory way.

The main characteristic of the social relationships they establish is that they are always superficial and almost always ephemeral.

• Related article: "The 6 types of social skills, and what they are for"

Causes

Although each case is unique, the most common causes of fear of intimacy in its most extreme versions are the following.

1. Dysfunctional family environments

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment in which parents cannot take care of the needs of their children (both at the emotional, physical or material) is one of the main causes that can lead to the development of this fear of privacy.

Growing up with certain emotional deficiencies, that is, in an environment in which the parents do not dispense the necessary care, love or protection, can end up causing children to end up becoming adults who reject emotional intimacy with their partners.

2. abusive situations

In family environments characterized by mistreatment or abuse towards children, it is also common for these children to become adults with fear of intimacy.

This is directly related to the type of aspect that abused children develop: avoidant attachment, key in the appearance of fear of intimacy in adulthood.

• You may be interested in: "Avoidant attachment (in children and adults): this is how it affects us"

3. To have taken care of the brothers from very early

Some people with older parents who have had to take care of their parents or younger siblings from a very young age also tend to present this type of psychological disturbance.

This is explained by the perception during most of their adolescent lives that they can only trust themselves and that no one else will provide for your personal well-being.

4. childhood trauma

determined traumatic experiences lived in childhood, How can the loss of a parent at an early age be?, can also be related to the fear of intimacy.

People who experience this type of experience tend to withdraw into themselves throughout adult life and have difficulty relating satisfactorily with other adults.

Are you looking for psychological assistance services?

If you want to start a process of psychological therapy, I invite you to contact me.

My name is javier ares, I am a psychologist specialized in emotional and couple problems, and I attend in person and online.