Interview with Javier Ares: the impact of COVID-19 on life as a couple

Beyond the idealized concept of love that many people use to interpret relationships, there is reality: love only exists as long as it is linked to a context, and that context is an imperfect world.

The clearest example of this we have seen in recent months, with the global coronavirus pandemic. This change in our environment has had an effect (for better or for worse) on many relationships, which have had to adapt to the circumstances.

To better understand this fit between the love of life as a couple and the complicated reality of a society on alert for COVID-19, we spoke with the psychologist Javier Ares.

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Interview with Javier Ares: the effect of the coronavirus pandemic on relationships

Javier Ares Arranz He is a General Health Psychologist specialized in intervention in emotional and relational problems (in couples or in the family context). In this interview he talks to us about the implications that the wave of coronavirus infections has had on marriages and dating relationships.

What do you think are the types of couples and families most likely to develop new problems while there is no vaccine for the coronavirus?

First of all, we must take into account that there are no couples who are immune to this virus, obviously. Unfortunately, it will affect all of them, and this can be a link or a way to create differences.

I think that a good lesson from the problem is that it helps us form a team that makes us stronger in the face of it. Yes, we must pay attention to couples who were already weakened before, and allow me to make this comparison, but the hull of a ship can last a while with small cracks without repair, but very little when a storm. Hence it is important to have the hull of the boat in good condition so that in the face of small adversities we do not sink.

This can be extrapolated to a couple, in the sense that we must always resolve conflicts when they occur, treat everything with good communication and not fall into big battles of egos where the only ones who lose out are us.

We must not only go to couple therapy when there is a problem, but also when we want to invest in our health and our future, learn new skills and be more effective. Unity is strength, and even more in the face of unexpected adversities, and this is where the personal work of each one is most reflected.

Social distancing measures lead to people socializing less on the street. Can this turn the couple into a context that is too oppressive or boring, in many cases?

Couples have in their hands the path they want to take, I respect that some decide to take this longer coexistence as a punishment from which only negative things can be drawn, but I admire those who see a new challenge in this event.

A couple in good health need not fear this, as the strength of the relationship will be tested.

The important thing is that both retain their spaces and autonomy. Not because they spend more time together will they have to do all things together all the time, this tires anyone.

You have to know that if we do not maintain our personal activities, we are going to lose part of our personality, and that is going to make us feel anguished, so I propose that it be do activities together, of course, but I also propose that you keep your own activities, such as various hobbies, exercises, in short: maintaining our garden inside.

The fact of spending more time at home can cause anxiety and other psychological problems that, if the person lacks personal tools, they can possibly make the deal with their loved ones get worse.

For this reason, we must not abandon ourselves and spend a few minutes a day to take care of our peace of mind. As?. For example, if we have anxiety, just the fact of talking about it with our partner and spitting it all out will make us calm down, and at the same time it will bring us closer together. These are small steps that may be difficult at first, but I encourage couples to encourage this and increase bonds.

Coexistence in these circumstances must be taken as a challenge in which both are involved. people in the relationship, and thanks to this a team feeling will be created that in many ways will improve.

Another problem with spending more time at home is that it makes us turn our heads more, and put what I call "the washing machine". We put a thought in it and we go round and round it. This only raises questions and punish us with the problem by not being able to get it out of our mind. For this reason, as I have said above, the bonds of union must be supported by fluid communication.

The COVID-19 health crisis seems to have given way to another economic crisis. Is the difficulty in finding a job one of the most frequent sources of psychological discomfort in couple relationships?

It is more than proven that a bad management of the external stimuli that reach us makes the environment let's be more irascible and at the minimum let's explode with those who love us the most and are closest to us, in this case, our couple.

The uncertainty of not knowing what will happen in the future because many members of the couples are in an ERTE or worse, have lost their jobs, logically affects people. What can we do? Make use of the support of our partner as an ally in this process and rely on him through dialogue to overcome it and relieve those feelings.

It is logical to feel emotions such as rage, anger, or anxiety, but it is not acceptable to dwell on them and use them as a way of life. Creating a way to deal with problems will maintain respect and increase empathy, something very important in this situation.

Faced with unemployment, you have to create a plan to find work, start moving and make it a routine, set a daily schedule to send CVs (carrying them in hand I think is not good idea right now), talk to friends and tell them that we are looking for work so they can count on us and lastly: don't give up trying, in the end perseverance is all.

Also be aware that spending more time at home can make it easier for us to expand our knowledge and, for example, take free courses on the Internet with an official diploma. Simply by searching Google for their own courses you will see a great offer, which I repeat, is free.

Finally, let's not forget leisure, please. There are a thousand ways to disconnect without spending large sums of money, or even for free, like days of doors open in museums, practice some sport, free street concerts or that the centers themselves offer social. On the Internet there are websites specialized in activities of this type, and from experience I can tell you that they have fixed my afternoons on many weekends.

The reading that must be made of this is that, if you are in this situation, find in the crisis an opportunity to improve.

In the case of couples with children, what new challenges does the presence of COVID-19 imply in their lives?

These couples must know that a great responsibility lies with them, since on their part will come the implantation in their little ones of the new habits of cleanliness and education regarding what happens to us these days.

On the other hand, there are new ways, such as surely many parents start working from home, and for this reason they will spend more time with their children and will have to act as teachers and caregivers also; and I think it would be advisable to remember that it is always done based on three main pillars: understanding, discipline and affection.

To carry it out, feelings must be controlled, carefully analyzing how to act in situations of physical and mental exhaustion, which will appear throughout this period. Here they will have the challenge of being able to spend more time with them and knowing what to invest it in.

I think it would be logical to look for an intermediate point in families, where we can carry out activities together with which to create new bonds. These activities do not have to be within the domestic sphere, they can perfectly be outside, and in them they can promote aspects of education such as the habit of doing a sport several times a week or the reading.

Another important challenge will be being able to talk to them about the problem we are experiencing. For this we will sit down to talk about it following different aspects.

First of all, we will be open to your questions: so that you do not have doubts, and thus see that there are points that you have to understand.

In addition, we must answer all the questions: even those that we do not know, answering that we do not know the answer. It is important to flee from lies or questions by belittling them.

It is also key to use the activity so that our son acquires expression skills: we will let him express himself and feel comfortable.

Finally, we should explain the measures that we have and how to access them. The containment measures must be clear and therefore everyone involved must know why we use them, how to use them and when to apply them.

How do you adapt as a psychologist to possible relationship problems that may arise with the spread of the coronavirus?

The first thing is to know what we are dealing with. A great economic, health and social crisis. Mental health professionals must adapt to the new conditions that our patients may present, and the best way to to adapt is continuous training so as not to be outdated and to continue being competent and as professional as possible.

Psychology has to be as effective and efficient as possible so as not to fall into bad vices such as talk therapy and having patients in consultation for years teaching them the theory of what happens to them and not giving them tools with which to face their problems and that is a mistake.

We have before us an opportunity to demonstrate that our profession is a science that helps people and saves lives, make it clear that we are necessary health professionals, and manage to bury the stigmas that remain about going to the psychologist.

It is also important to adapt to technology and try to reach as many areas as possible, making it as comfortable as possible for the patient. I love when people are surprised at how efficient a video call is, they have literally come to tell me that they find no difference between it and a face-to-face consultation, and even the patient himself is strengthened, since when he is at home he is in a comfortable environment and therefore will be more open.

What are the main pieces of advice that you give to couples in the context of the coronavirus crisis, even if they are not considering going to therapy?

First of all, shared independence must be promoted: keep your spaces. Your partner has the right to watch series, you have the right to play on the computer or the console, let's not lose our own customs.

In addition, dialogue must be promoted. At the slightest inconvenience, sit down and talk, let's prevent the creation of snowballs. At the moment we have a problem, let's sit down to talk and solve the problems, many times the main support of a conflict is the lack of communication.

On the other hand, you have to try to have productive time. That is, you have to use your time in the most profitable way possible. If you cannot go on vacation, I understand that it is negative, but since you are faced with that situation, try to use it to create new habits as a couple in that coexistence that you will be together.

Finally, it is very important to have the possibility of improvement. Take it as a challenge, this will not last forever, it will be temporary, and if we take it as a punishment, it will not only affect us more, but we will experience it as a penance.