Unconscious expectations and self-esteem

We are often only satisfied with ourselves when we meet certain expectations.. They can be our own expectations or that others have of us, or that we believe that others have of us. Expectations play a very important role in our emotional well-being, becoming parameters to from which we want to evaluate our performance as people, which we relate to the "value own".

Conversely, when we feel inadequate or insecure, it may be because we feel that we are not yet meeting certain expectations and we believe that we can only be happy with ourselves if we reach them. Thus, our expectations are directly related to our self-esteem. Like at work, where we also get money (and therefore value) for completing tasks.

• We recommend you read: "Low selfsteem? When you become your own worst enemy"

What do expectations have to do with our self-esteem?

The problem with the connection between expectations and self-esteem is that it predisposes us to continually think that we lack. In addition, we cannot always perform in the same way and there are many factors that influence our lives that we cannot control. For example, diseases, accidents or other blows of fate.

People going through a serious illness often tell how bothering them is not only the pain that comes with it, but also the thought of being a burden to others. Not being able to work and act the way they expect makes them feel inadequate.

So self-esteem should not depend solely on whether we meet all the expectations we have of ourselves. At the same time, it is impossible to be completely free of expectations. In this sense, an important job is to identify, question and, if necessary, reformulate our expectations., in such a way that they are better adapted to our current reality.

A person experiencing a serious illness cannot and should not expect to go to work in the same way that he was used to. An alternative expectation for the moment you are going through would be to follow certain instructions given to you. given by the doctor (for example, watch your diet) and say to yourself: "If I do this, for now it's enough".

How to identify our unconscious expectations?

Making a list of what we currently expect of ourselves can be an interesting exercise. All we need is a sheet headed "Should..." and/or "I have to...". How would we continue these sentences? For example: I should be nice to everyone, I need to earn more money, I should have more friends, I need to do something important for humanity...

So let's ask ourselves: What do I think I need to do right now? What are the achievements I expect from myself? To what extent am I dissatisfied with myself and why? What conditions have I not met yet? The next step is to question these expectations. Are they meaningful, useful, realistic, fair to myself? Would you expect the same from others? And also very important: where do these expectations come from?

The expectations that we place on ourselves often arise unconsciously, which is why it is so important that we write them down and address them. It is also interesting to ask to what extent these expectations are actually our own. expectations and how often it is more about meeting the expectations of others (parents, partners, children).

What we expect of ourselves is what we think we should do or how we should be, so expectations are directly related to our beliefs.. Beliefs are like our own (also often unconscious) ideas and assumptions about the world, ourselves, the future and the past, other people, and relationships. Through our life experiences, we have learned these assumptions from others (for example, from our parents) or we have constructed them ourselves (as personal conclusions).

The construction of beliefs and expectations

The best way to understand what beliefs are and how they build our expectations is with an example. Let's say that a woman was taught as a child that she had to work harder to make friends, that she was too shy or boring, and that it was very important to be popular and jump on one's own shade. It's not entirely wrong thinking, but as a child she accepted this supposed advice as a personal flaw that she now feels she needs to continually work on..

Through her childhood experiences, beliefs were solidified in her, such as: I have to be liked by everyone, I'm too shy, I'm boring, it will always be hard for me to make friends. Whenever she had trouble communicating with someone or felt uncomfortable, she would immediately refer to herself (even as a grown woman). So no matter how many friends of hers she had of hers, if anyone ever turned her down, she thought it had something to do with her because she thought she was too shy and antisocial and it made her very uncomfortable.

Consequently, she now subconsciously has certain expectations of herself to this day. For example: I have to approach new people openly, even if sometimes I don't feel like it, I have to socialize a lot, I have to be sociable. This despite the fact that, in his current life, he has a stable circle of friends and in reality he does not lack contacts.. The motive of "having to be social" helped her in this. But it also makes her feel that she isn't doing enough, despite having good friends and a satisfying social life, and that she needs to keep trying to be popular and accepted.

Their expectation is not in the sense of their current needs, but only based on beliefs built in the past. This is how he questions himself every time he is not doing well. You may be happy with yourself, but your belief system and high expectations run like a bottomless pit. Deep down, as long as they persist and are not questioned, she will never recognize herself as sociable or popular.

The example of the woman shows how we always build our expectations under the influence of our environment.. Not necessarily because a specific expectation is imposed on us, but because of assumptions. We assume that others expect something of us and we don't want to disappoint or be rejected, and we don't even wonder if these assumptions might also be wrong.

This happens very often with parents. For example, that we don't want to disappoint mom and dad and we accept their expectations indiscriminately. Such momentous life decisions, such as getting married or wanting to have children, may have more to do with social expectations than with our own wishes for the future. So it happens that we try to reconcile a great variety of things, believing that we wanted it that way.

So what should we do with our expectations?

Expectations that no longer fit us or our current life situation are like a burden that we constantly carry with us. Challenging these expectations helps us sort, reframe, and redefine our priorities.

The following questions can help us look at our own expectations with more distance to determine how meaningful and useful they continue to be.. So let's imagine that we are sitting in front of the list of different expectations that we have discovered about ourselves, and about each of them we ask ourselves the following questions:

• What do I feel when I pronounce this expectation out loud?
• Is it still relevant to meet this expectation? Does it still make sense?
• In my current life situation, is it realistic to have to meet this expectation?
• Where does it come from?
• Can I cross the expectation off my list? How would that feel?
• Can I reformulate or replace it?

If we unconsciously let ourselves be guided by our expectations, it is very likely that we are constantly dissatisfied with ourselves, then expectations can and should change to guide us in our favor and not vice versa.