What is meant by attachment styles and how do they affect our lives?

Although it sounds surprising, how we relate to ourselves and others can be very related to the emotional bond that we create from our first moments of life with our parents or caregivers main. In this regard, there is the theory of attachment that refers to the way in which our parents or caregivers have not treated. With this, we can explain some of the difficulties we suffer in childhood and also in adulthood. With this, the following question may arise: what type of attachment characterizes us?

The attachment style is particularly important in relationships such as those of a couple or in the style of raising children. As we mentioned, it arises from early childhood and once it is consolidated it tends to remain throughout life. In today's article, we will discuss attachment styles in depth to understand how they affect our lives. Stick around to find out which one suits you best.

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What is attachment?

Attachment is described as a connection or affective bond that plays a fundamental role throughout the life cycle of people. It is closely related to parenting styles, since it is built based on the interactions that the child experiments with their first reference figures or attachment people, such as mother, father, relatives, etc

To properly understand attachment, we must go back to the earliest attachment researchers: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. They concluded that attachment was part of human nature, since our ancestors did not they could have survived if they had not created strong emotional bonds to work as a team. In this sense, they considered that the child's attachment to the caregiver in early childhood was a key aspect in their development and well-being.

Although initially this theory considered physical proximity to increase the probability of survival and reproductive success as the main goal of attachment, this view has evolved over time of the years. At the moment, the assessment by the child about the affective availability perceived in the caregiver comes into play, which depends, in large part, on her previous experience in relation to perceived availability in the past. That is, the attachment style is not only related to the behavior of the caregiver, but is also related to based on the experience and internal subjectivity of the child, including his own state of mind and condition physical.

What are the 4 attachment styles?

In response to the physical, affective and/or emotional attention or availability that the children have received from their Parents or primary caregivers, 4 attachment styles emerge: secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. Next, we will describe each one and we will analyze how they affect in childhood, but also in adulthood.

1. secure attachment

It refers to the ability to connect well and safely in relationships with others, while having the ability to act autonomously. It is characterized by strong relationships, trust, affection, resilience and self-esteem. They are children who, when they are scared, seek comfort from their father, mother or caregiver and, in general, are happy when one of these figures initiates contact with them.

It has been seen that parents or primary caregivers of securely attached children tend to play more with them. As a consequence, these are children who are capable of separating from their parents, tend to play appropriately with other children, and feel empathy for others, and they are not afraid to explore their environment since they know that their parents or caregivers are present if it happens something bad.

In adulthood, develop strong, secure and lasting relationships more easily. In addition, they have good self-esteem, enjoy long-term, intimate relationships, seek social support from others, and have a great ability to share their feelings with others.

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2. anxious-ambivalent attachment

This attachment style is the opposite of the one described above. It occurs when the infant does not find the necessary trust in his parent or caregiver and, in turn, does not get enough attention to her needs. This generates concern towards others and for this reason, low self-esteem, neediness, distrust and fear of rejection are characteristic of this style. Likewise, in childhood, they show great anguish when they are separated from their parent or caregiver, and curiously, they do not calm down when the father returns.

Following this line, in adulthood, want intimacy but are afraid to get close to other people. In other words, they feel reluctant to get close to others and worry that their partner will not reciprocates their feelings and are disproportionately distressed when an intimate relationship becomes ends.

3. avoidant attachment

The avoidant style arises when the parent or caregiver ignores or does not reciprocate attempts to be intimate or bond with the infant. Consequently, the child internalizes that he cannot depend on this figure and generalizes it to all the people around him. This is clearly seen when an avoidantly attached child shows no preference between a parent and a complete stranger. Not only this, but they tend to avoid their caregivers, either by simply avoiding or even refusing affection.

It has been concluded that the avoidance behaviors of infants can be a defense mechanism against their own mothers' rejection behaviors, such as being uncomfortable with physical contact or becoming more easily angered by you drink. In short, children avoid their father and mother, they do not seek much contact or comfort from their parents. Adults with this attachment style do not like intimacy and therefore do not do their part in building emotional connections with others. Besides, are unwilling or unable to share thoughts or feelings with others. It is not surprising their inability to lean on their partner during stressful times and the myriad of excuses they use just to avoid intimate moments.

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4. disorganized attachment

The mixture of behaviors on the part of the parents or caregivers leads to a disorganized attachment. It is common for these children to present confusion since the parents or the caregiver act as figures of fear and tranquility at the same time. Consequently, children experience a lot of anxiety about relationships and try to avoid them even though they long for intimacy and connection. In adulthood, people with this style want to have close and intimate relationships, but are deeply afraid of getting close to others.