Self-demand: a path towards Stress and Discouragement

We might think that self-demand is a positive attitude and state of mind, since it helps us to improve and give our best. However, when self-demand takes us to the limit we feel exhausted, stressed, and eventually discouraged. When does self-demand become a problem?

This difficulty of a psychological and emotional nature frequently occurs in the workplace, although it can also impact other areas of our lives. It is about living always focused on giving your best, anticipating everything, with a perfectionist attitude and always looking for the icing on the cake. This leads us to a state of alert, which is a reflection of anxiety and insecurity.

What is this self-demand leading you to? To what extent does it make your well-being too dependent on what is happening?

In this article we are going to delve into what is the root of that self-demand that does not work for us and how to solve it. What I am going to tell you is based on real cases of people that I have accompanied in their change processes as a psychologist and coach (you can see my work at empoderamientohumano.com). In these processes we discover that behind the self-demand

there are problems of insecurity, anxiety and personal validation.

This problem is more common than we think today, so we are going to delve into it so that you can solve it starting today.

The meaning of self-demand

When we demand ourselves because we want to achieve a good result (professional or personal) it is in itself a positive value. If your motivation is personal achievement, demanding yourself will make you feel good. the problem arrives when that self-demand is conditioned by fear of results, or depends on comparisons or personal validation.

Self-demand, in this sense, is a reflection of the fear that our own self-concept will be compromised. This can lead us to attitudes of co-dependence at work (accumulating too much work, or that everything depends on you), having difficulties to communicate assertively, anxiety, and over time tiredness and discouragement.

What are the different causes of this dysfunctional self-demand?

• Related article: "Perfectionist Personality: The Disadvantages of Perfectionism"

The root of self-demand

When self-demand becomes dysfunctional and we reach that stress and discouragement, it is the result of your well-being is not depending mainly on you, but on external factors that you cannot check. We live in a state of alert, where we constantly see if they value them, if the results are good or perfect, and this can lead us to two possible situations: 1. over-demand ourselves and feel like it's never enough (which exhausts us); 2. paralyze us (by thinking that it will never be enough, which discourages).

There are several psychological and emotional causes for this problem.

1. Need for personal validation

Human beings need to feel valuable. However, when that value depends on others, we tend to feel frustrated and self-demand increases. Because? Because we cannot control how they are validated or valued by others. This is due to a system of expectations and comparisons that doesn't work for you.

• You may be interested in: "Can the Need for Approval be removed?"

2. fear of the result

The expectations about what you can give or not also depends on the fear of the result or how others perceive and value you. Fear is not in itself a problem, since it is a valid and necessary emotion. The problem consists of manage fear functionally, in such a way that it is too frequent and conditions you too much.

Insecurity is also a form of fear related to your vision of yourself and your abilities.

3. co-dependency

If dependency is feeling that you need the other in an essential way to be well, co-dependency is feeling that others depend on you, because otherwise the results will not be optimal. This can happen both at work (when you have a position of responsibility) and in your personal life (especially with the family).

Co-dependency causes us to hoard tasks, supervise too much, not trust or try to be in control. All this leads us to anxiety and anguish.

• Related article: "11 characteristic symptoms of emotional codependency"

4. Opaque or little assertive communication

Finally, when we demand too much of ourselves, we communicate opaquely or not very assertively, precisely because we fear the outcome if we express our limits about what we want, don't want, can or can't can.

These are the usual causes that lead us to demand too much of ourselves. Now, how do we fix it?

Solve the self-demand to be at peace

If you are in this situation, first of all I send you a lot of encouragement and above all confidence to resolve it. When self-demand leads to stress, it is a result of a system of life and relationships or work that it doesn't work, and that it is related to the way you understand and manage what you feel and value yourself.

However, the solution does not lie in scheduling a few brief sessions, but rather in experiencing a process of profound change and practice where you get to the root of the problem and solve it in a stable way, so that this change is part of you. This helps you live and interact in a more positive and realistic way, and also helps us to be even more productive at work (because we know where the limits are).

These are the four keys to solving the problem.

1. Go to the root of the problem

As I told you, scheduling sessions just to reflect on why you demand so much of yourself can be a relief but it does not imply real solutions. To solve the problem we have to go to its root: how are you building your self esteem? What is your way of valuing yourself? And above all, what are the specific changes that we have to introduce for all this to change?

Demanding yourself is fine if it is related to personal achievement motivation, never validation from others.

2. Manage your emotions

Feeling certain fears or insecurity is sometimes functional. The problem comes when they are too frequent, intense and long-lasting. Learn to understand and manage your emotions (through different and specific behaviors) helps you to relativize them, make them more functional, and above all to generate other emotional states, such as acceptance (knowing what depends on you and what does not) and trust (which leads you to communicate assertively, set limits, and seek more your self care).

3. functional self-esteem

A functional self-esteem is built when your well-being depends mainly on you, on what you do and how you do it. In this sense, it is necessary to focus more on personal care, harmonize work or life staff with other areas, find balance and apply concrete changes to live with more well-being and security.

4. Action plan and constant company

In addition to working with all the parts of your personality (since everything is related), it is essential to work with a concrete action plan that will lead you to the change you need.

This is something that we work on in a process of change. First we see what is happening, how you now manage what is happening and what is not working. Then, with this action plan we apply the changes you need to reduce that self-demand and improve your well-being. Finally, we work with all parts of your personality (belief system, self-esteem, relationships, communication, emotions) so that it is internalized and that well-being is stable.

For the process to work it is also important that the company is constant, not just with sporadic sessions. This is the reason why I accompany you as a psychologist and coach on a daily basis, so that you feel the company and we can face what happens at the moment. In addition, you have weekly tools and sessions to achieve it safely.

If it is what you want, remember that in Human Empowerment or in my Psychology and mind profile you can contact me to schedule a first session and see how we can solve it.

I send you much encouragement and above all confidence, Rubén Camacho. psychologist and coach