Psychology of Forgiveness: how to heal emotional wounds

Human beings permanently walk a tightrope between hurting and being hurt. Pain is an inherent part of human life, and in most cases it is caused by other humans. Either by the way we act or by the words we choose to communicate, we can have a negative impact on the other even if that was not our initial intention.

On the other hand, we have all been hurt at some time, even by people we love very much: a brother who was heading towards us aggressively in our childhood, a mother who does not respect our limits, or a couple when sentencing a last up to here we come. These emotional wounds can cook inside us for many years. So much so that we have the ability to hold resentment towards people who are no longer present in our lives. This makes all the sense in the world: it is more than valid to be offended, angry or feel sad as a result of the acts of others that we consider unfair or offensive. Deciding to remain in those emotions is an acceptable decision for those who wish to do so. However, the alternative of choosing to forgive the other could represent a much more liberating experience than it seems. In this article we will develop

the contributions of the Psychology of Forgiveness to heal emotional wounds and build a life free of expendable burdens.

• Related article: "Emotional management: 10 keys to master your emotions"

Why forgive the one who hurt me?

It is understandable that people, upon hearing the proposal to forgive, ask themselves the following question: why should I forgive someone who hurt me? In fact, this attitude responds to something elementary. Broadly speaking, when we find ourselves in front of aversive people, places or events —that is, in which we could potentially be harmed or experience discomfort— human beings have an evolutionary backpack that invites us to get away from these stimuli, with the aim of adapting to the environment effectively. The resistance to forgive someone who has hurt us does not arise out of nowhere, but has this foundation. This also explains that being hurt by others has, at first, affective, cognitive and behavioral effects on people.

When someone offends us, we often experience feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, and a feeling of having been betrayed by the other. We can also formulate questions about why the offender has behaved in this way, or fantasize about taking revenge on him. Lastly, on the behavioral level, people tend to avoid those who have hurt us in order to distance ourselves and situation does not happen again, although we can also opt for other actions, such as the public expression of tears or confrontation to the aggressor

However, in recent years, different research teams have focused on the potential of forgiveness as a resource to alleviate discomfort when we are hurt. The idea of ​​forgiveness is not entirely new, since a wide range of religions have characterized forgiveness as a divine virtue or an attitude to adopt in the face of life's challenges. But the forgiveness that was put to the test in experimental studies has nothing to do with spirituality, but rather a psychological resource (among several possible ones) to overcome the subjective experience of resentment towards someone. Bearing this in mind, before delving into practice, we must distinguish the modalities that forgiveness can acquire.

• You may be interested in: "What is social psychology?"

The two types of forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process that can be conceived both in a negotiated way —that is, involving the aggressor— and unilaterally —with complete independence from him. Negotiated forgiveness involves promoting dialogue between the aggressor and the victim with the aim of the first acknowledge his action, take responsibility for him and express his regret for what he has done made. This type of forgiveness, comparable to the ability to apologize, is extremely useful for the resolution of interpersonal conflicts. However, we know well that this situation is not always possible. Many times, the aggressor is not present, does not recognize that he has done harm, or if he does, it could happen that say things like "it wasn't that big of a deal," invalidating the victim's reaction or the effects of the victim's actions on she.

Interpersonal forgiveness does not take place in all the bonds and moments of life. However, intrapersonal forgiveness is independent of the presence of the other to heal. This way of forgiving is an act alien to the actions of the aggressor, both in the past and in the present and future, in which the injured person does not claim to receive something in exchange for forgiveness. In other words, the other is not expected to change or apologize for what happened, it is an entirely individual process. The fact of letting go of a very heavy load is what motivates her to forgive. In a certain way, it follows the logic of this sentence by Mark Twain: "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it". It does not matter that the heel continues its course, it is the violet that secretes its aroma so pure, even after being damaged.

• Related article: "The importance of setting limits and its relationship with self-esteem"

Tips to forgive someone who hurt me

Unidirectional or intrapersonal forgiveness is enough to heal emotional wounds. In fact, scientific research suggests that forgiveness-based treatments result in positive changes regarding variables such as depression, anxiety, and hope. This is such a powerful skill that even forgiveness-based interventions with children have proven to be very effective in reducing their discomfort.

The process of forgiving is private and subjective, which is why the person carries it out according to their personal experiences and the particularities of the relationship with the offender. Beyond this, based on the common points that clinical treatments focused on forgiveness usually have, we list below some suggestions to heal emotional wounds:

• Acknowledge that we have been offended or hurt instead of denying it. It is not about magnifying the damage, but about validating the fact that the other's actions affected us.
• Attempt consider the offender's point of view. This does not mean agreeing with what he did or justifying it; but to recognize that the person who hurt us probably did not have the emotional tools to resolve the situation in a healthy way.
• Nor does it imply Take responsibility for your actions; it is simply trying to understand why he acted as he did.
• The previous suggestions will lead us to empathize with him or her even when we disagree with her actions, and still feel pain when referring to the conflicting situation. The process of forgiving does not have to feel good at first., but even in the presence of that pain we can be able to forgive.
• Remember that on some occasions we have harmed others and we have felt good when another forgave us.

These tips can be used to forgive the other and thus lighten that burden that can be with us for a long, long time. Finally, we believe it is necessary to emphasize that the best way to deal with situations in which we have been harmed is always, if it is within our possibilities, to consult with a psychotherapist.