My partner is emotionally distant: what to do?

Do you have someone around you with whom you have difficulties in engaging in deep conversations since no matter how many times you try to reach them, it always seems really impossible? It is as if your talks did not get anywhere and although you share many moments with the person, as soon as the subject of emotions comes up, it closes as a band and there is no way for it to become to open. If all this resonates with someone close to you, it is very likely that you are dealing with an emotionally distant person.

Individuals who are emotionally unavailable have great difficulty managing and expressing their emotions. On a day-to-day basis, this is reflected when it is difficult for them to talk about their feelings, name them, avoid topics or situations that They end in emotions and it is all because they do not feel comfortable with their own feelings or with the emotional expression of the people around them. around. This seriously affects their interpersonal relationships, whether in love, family, friendships, etc.

In this article we will see what to do when faced with the experience of suffering from a feeling that "my partner is emotionally distant", with keys of communication and management of feelings.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

What to do if your partner is emotionally distant?

Emotionally distant people are, ultimately, cold, since they seem not to feel or suffer, sometimes they are even confused with an introverted personality. This has implications for relationships and love life in general, as we are.

We would like to clarify that being emotionally distant has nothing to do with this. In fact, they are often criticized and judged since very few people are capable of really understanding what is happening to them. It is important to know the term in question to be able to help, as far as possible, this group of people.

It is important to distinguish and identify the behaviors and attitudes of emotionally distant people. Next, we insert a list where you can start to reflect and realize if you are really dealing with an emotionally unavailable person:

• Gets defensive often. Faced with situations that may bother them, these people respond by attacking. Most of the time, they are not able to sit down and understand what you meant, instead they become defensive trying to avoid their negative emotions.

• has no empathy. He is not capable of putting himself in the other person's shoes, and of course, he does not understand the emotions of others. As we discussed earlier, these individuals have great difficulties managing their own feelings, but also those of others.

• He takes relationships as a job. Instead of fully feeling and living their interpersonal relationships, emotionally distant people take emotional ties as a job or a duty. It is as if they were forced to meet certain objectives as if it were a job.

• constantly drifting away. Emotionally hermetic people tend to distance themselves from the people around them. They tend to be solitary people who prefer not to get into conversations with others in case they have to express their feelings to others.

• Low availability. It is common for these people to be busy and cannot listen to you when you call them. They always seem to have something to do. It can also happen that they change the subject or even leave the conversation when it comes to topics where emotions are the protagonists.

• avoid intimacy, having to share your feelings with the people around you; flees from affective ties and intimacy.

• don't like commitment. Commitment is a whole world for emotionally hermetic people. Linked to the previous point, the lack of intimacy makes these people avoid commitment with all their might.

• You may be interested in: "9 habits to connect emotionally with someone"

Where does this emotional inaccessibility come from?

Each person is different, therefore, the reasons to understand why or the origin of their emotional distancing are also diverse. However, the numerous studies carried out on the subject indicate that it could be closely related to the attachment received from parents in childhood.

Now, what is attachment? It is the bond that is created from the first moments of life between the mother or father and the newborn. Attachment is in charge of providing security to the child in threatening situations. John Bowlby, the author related to attachment theory, explains that there are 4 types:

• secure attachment: The child knows that his caregiver will not fail him. Therefore, this child interacts with her environment, shows active behaviors, and in general, there is a harmony between the infant and her attachment figure. As adults, abandonment does not cause them insecurity and they become independent people, with successful emotional ties.
• anxious/ambivalent attachment: The child does not trust his caregivers and has a constant feeling of insecurity. He realizes that sometimes his parents are there and sometimes they are not. This type of attachment leads to fears and great anguish when separated. What is characteristic is that when the caregiver returns, they show great difficulty calming down. They are minors who constantly watch that they do not abandon them. As adults this generates mistrust and they always feel that their partner does not really love them. Therefore, their interpersonal relationships are complicated and they tend to depend a lot on the other person.
• avoidant attachment: These children have assumed that they cannot count on their caregivers, which causes them suffering. The behavior of his caregivers has not generated enough security and the child finds himself stressed, feeling unloved and valued. In short, many times they do not express or understand the emotions of others and therefore avoid intimate relationships. In adulthood, feelings of rejection of intimacy with others and relationship difficulties occur. Is this starting to sound like an emotionally distant person to you?
• disorganized attachment: It is a mixture between anxious and avoidant attachment. Caregivers show contradictory and inappropriate behaviors. In childhood, they tend to explode, destroy toys, are impulsive and fail to understand their caregivers and their environment. Adults are people with a high burden of frustration and anger, and ultimately, they do not feel loved by anyone.

Returning to the subject, it seems that avoidant attachment is at the base of emotionally hermetic people. Children who do not experience adequate responses to their emotional needs become adults with invisible and indestructible emotional barriers. They find it uncomfortable to be intimate with someone since they have never felt protected and the only way to feel good has been by moving away and avoiding creating any type of bond. Likewise, it seems that culture and gender also influence whether people develop this coldness in their emotions.

• Related article: "The Theory of Attachment and the bond between parents and children"

What to do to deal with an emotionally distant person?

The first step to everything is to accept. Accept that it will most likely take numerous attempts until the person opens up to you and may even tell you as little as possible. You should not get frustrated by this; You may think he's not trying hard enough, but for an emotionally distant person to open up and tell her feelings, no matter how small, is already a huge advance. Therefore, value every little detail that they have with you, since we assure you that the person is putting a lot of their part (even if from the outside it seems quite the opposite).

Going a step further, you also have to accept that there is a chance that he will simply never open up to you or anyone else. This may generate such helplessness in you that you end up getting tired and decide to completely cut off the affective bond you have with that person. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to what works in your relationship and what does not, what behaviors make the person close and what causes the opposite feeling. This can help you see things more clearly and from here make the decisions you consider appropriate.

Besides, You must verbalize what you are feeling and what happens to you. Communicate it to the person but always with an appropriate tone of voice, with simple and concise phrases. It is also of the utmost importance that you do not reproach him or claim anything since this will only cause him to close little by little. You have to try to put your emotions aside and think rationally. Don't take everything he says and does to heart, don't make it your own. You must understand that the other person is also not comfortable in her situation and that if you want to maintain the relationship, you have to be a support and guide for her.