Co-dependence: when your well-being depends on how others are doing

Human beings are emotional, affective and above all social beings. The quality of our relationships has an important influence on our well-being, whether they are relationships as a couple, family, friends or at work. However, when your well-being depends too much on how others are doing, unpleasant tension is generated. It's about co-dependence.

What is co-dependence?

If an emotional or affective dependency is when your well-being depends too much on others (on their behavior, their communication or attitudes, etc.), co-dependence is the unpleasant feeling of constant concern for the emotional state of another, in such a way that you feel that their well-being depends of you.

What are the consequences? In your life as a couple you completely give in to the other's criteria (or the needs you think they have). In personal or friendly relationships we lose assertiveness and, in part, our own identity. At work we end up accumulating extra tasks and responsibilities. Whatever the context, the result is the same: anxiety, exhaustion and anguish.

However, co-dependence is a psychological and emotional problem that we can solve. In this article we are going to delve into why it happens and how to solve it through your own personal change and learning. To do this, I base myself on the experience of more than 10 years accompanying people who had this difficulty as a psychologist and coach and achieved the change they needed (you can see their testimonies in Human Empowerment. Let's go for it.

The symptoms and effects of co-dependence

Let's delve deeper into what co-dependence is. It is a way of building personal relationships that generates anxiety and anguish, since your well-being and security depends on how you believe those connections are or need them. Of course: when we build positive bonds we care about each other. Co-dependence is a type of worry that causes constant discomfort.

Co-dependence leads us to the need for control, to insecurity, to believing that the other is in trouble and that we must solve it or help beyond our abilities or even the will of the other. It also generates guilt in us, since we consider the discomfort of others our responsibility.

This is how relationships are built based on that guilt and dependence, where caring for the other becomes so important that you lose your identity, needs and focus.

In a profound way, co-dependence is an emotional and self-esteem problem, since it causes us problems to setting limits, knowing what we are responsible for and what we are not, and it ends up transforming into anxiety and anguish.

There are four main causes that lead us to live our relationships from that co-dependent system.

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

The root causes of co-dependence

All causes of our problems are based on behaviors. Although we think that it is a root or deep learning (and it is partly so), the most important thing is how we maintain that system and way of feeling through your behaviors.

Let's see what the four main causes are.

Fear and insecurity

At all times we have talked about emotions. Co-dependence generates anguish and anxiety, but it is previously based on fears and insecurities that we have not known how to manage in a functional way.. We also feel guilt, excessive worry (which can lead us to rumination or intrusive thoughts, so associated with the anxious state) and anger.

Learning to manage these basic emotions is also the root of the solution, since they condition your every decision and vision about what happens to you.

• You may be interested: "What is fear for?"

Overprotection or need for control

Overprotection is essentially a need for control because we fear the consequences. This problem translates into multiple actions: being too attentive to others, searching for information, doing too many tasks, giving up part of your needs, etc.

These behaviors continue and form the basis of the problem, which is why it is so important to work with a concrete action plan to solve it in a profound and stable way over time.

Relationship Focus

Our way of approaching relationships also conditions them. If for you a relationship is an experience where you save the other, you will end up feeling co-dependent. A positive relationship is above all an intimate bond between two people with difficulties but where their well-being depends mainly on each one.

Personal autonomy, limits and your own space are essential keys to building healthy relationships (intimate, personal or work).

• Related article: "The 6 types of social skills, and what they are for"

Opaque communication

Finally, It is necessary to delve deeper into how your communication leads you to these difficulties. If it is too opaque and not assertive, it generates more anxiety and, over time, outbursts of anger. If we do not communicate assertively, we also feel a lack of personal identity by not making our own decisions, and this also discourages us over time.

Now that we know the causes, let's go for the solutions.

Solve the problem from your own personal change and learning

Although we usually feel that a problem like this is part of your personality and that it is difficult to change it, what generates that difficulty is the idea itself. The human being is not born feeling co-dependent. Every system of relationships can be changed, but for this it is necessary that there be personal learning work.

For this reason, experiencing this process with only sporadic sessions can give us relief, but it does not imply a substantial and true change. For this change to exist you must work with yourself in a deep and at the same time practical way, where you apply concrete changes that change that system.

It is necessary to work according to five factors:

• How you manage your relationships to find security: here we will see how you approach your relationships and what details we can change so that your well-being depends, at least mainly, on you. In this way we will also establish limits so that you feel more acceptance and trust in relation to the other.

• Manage your emotions: This learning is essential to solve the root problem, since we are emotional beings and they condition us in every aspect of our life. Remember that it is not about controlling (every emotion is in itself uncontrollable) but about managing, understanding, and ensuring that they have the appropriate intensity, frequency and duration.

• Integral approach: It is necessary to work with all parts of your personality and not just with the problem. If we focus on the problem and what is happening, we are only on the surface. For the change to be profound, it must come from you and from working with you. For this reason we work with your emotions, your belief system, your self-esteem, your relationships, your communication, values ​​and self-knowledge.

• Action plan: A concrete action plan is essential to change what happens to you, adapted to you and your possibilities.

• Constant company: Finally, it helps you a lot to have constant company, for any daily questions you have. This way, in difficult times you can find support without having to wait to schedule a session.

For these reasons, my way of accompanying as a psychologist and coach is constant: every day, for any need, as well as with weekly tools and sessions. If you want to solve the problem, remember that you can schedule a session with me at Human Empowerment.

I send you lots of encouragement and confidence.

Thanks for thinking of you, Ruben.