Silvia Guarnieri: «We have been educated to think, not to feel»

Many times we assume that emotions are a kind of obstacle that stands between us and the optimal and rational resolution of the problems that affect us. However, the truth is that the emotional side that all human beings have is there because it is necessary for us, although sometimes it is difficult for us to see this. However, To properly manage emotions and take full advantage of their existence, we must know how to identify them.. We will talk precisely about this with Silvia Guarnieri, author and coach.

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Interview with Silvia Guarnieri: the importance of knowing and identifying emotions

Silvia Guarnieri She is a Founding Partner and Academic Director at European Coaching School and MCC by ICF, and she just published the book Emotions and Bonds, from blindness to emotional well-being. In this interview we talk to her about one of the main topics she deals with in this work: the management of emotions.

The belief that emotions are only there to be experienced, and not understood, is common. To what extent is that true?

It is one thing for emotions to pass through us, for us to have little responsibility for what we feel (for example, we do not choose who we fall in love with and sometimes it is not the person we fall in love with). brings happiness) and that, in the process of trying to explain why we have fallen in love with one person and not another, in the end we give up and accept what happens to us without judge him. And another very different thing is that we have little awareness (or none) of how emotions arise, of what they are for, what doors open to us or which ones close to us, where they come from, or how our history or culture modifies what we we feel.

If we have some clarity about what is happening to us, then we can do an emotional reset and, perhaps, fall in love with the person who brings us great well-being.

Do we tend to underestimate our potential when it comes to identifying and understanding our emotions?

Most of us have been educated to think, not to feel; to the point that we have been afraid that feeling will lead us to a dead-end path, that it clouds reason or leads us to an uncontrollable irrationality.

However, emotions are our allies and, in my opinion, the development that is achieved is immense when we manage to make friends with them, because emotions not only They fulfill a survival function, but constitute a much broader and more plural phenomenon, which helps us, for example, to make decisions to build what we want. build. We all have the ability to design the emotion we need.

What are the most problematic consequences of not knowing our own emotions?

Emotional blindness plays tricks on us in different areas of our lives and ends up impacting the relationships we build.

Being emotionally blind, for example, is confusing one emotion with another, and it is also not giving them the space they need.

Imagine confusing jealousy with anger. By not distinguishing them, I could act out of anger against someone for a situation that I consider unfair.

On the other hand, if I stop to think before acting I could see that what I really feel is not anger, but rather jealousy, for example. Stopping allows me to review whether my judgments are founded (if there are facts that support my opinion), be more compassionate with myself, and choose to act from an emotion other than anger.

Does our ability to identify our emotions also influence our ability to identify the emotional states of other people?

Yes, knowing my own emotions is a strategy to identify the emotions of others and even see beyond them. This sensitivity and empathy with oneself gives us the ease, when we appreciate some inconsistency between what another person thinks, feels and does, to ask them to learn, get to know the other, and generate Connection.

In the book I collect some strategies to connect with others, among them, not blaming others for their emotions, not to deny the other's emotions, not to impose our own and not to judge ourselves for feeling certain emotions.

But it is very difficult to accompany another person in their emotions if you yourself do not know or even remember what their emotions are. In fact, this is one of the reasons for this book, to collect essential concepts that can help people function more effectively and consciously in their daily lives.

What are some of the most useful strategies to “train” that ability to understand and recognize our emotions?

First, don't take anything for granted. Be ruthless with ourselves, using the possibility of questioning everything over and over again.

Another fundamental first step is to assume vulnerability, knowing that sharing emotions is not a weakness but an opportunity to generate connection between people. Finally, in general, give ourselves the space and create places to listen to our body, which is the showcase where emotions live.

In what contexts is it especially useful to connect in this way with our own emotions?

Connecting with emotions is important for the person in all life situations and environments. At EEC we make a special effort to address emotions within the work environment, where historically It is frowned upon to express emotions and where many even think that a good professional does not “have” emotions.

However, trying to freeze emotions is not only impossible, but it causes people to remain emotionally so far away from what is happening. happening in their workplace that they can hardly give their best, make the best decisions or coordinate fluidly with team members. his team.

Understanding how each of us are on an emotional level means knowing what I have, why I have it and knowing what to do with it. For example, not stopping going to work because I got up bad in the morning. Designing the emotion necessary to predispose us to one thing or another, this is perhaps the most important promise of the book.

The reader will understand what to do with their emotions, what reflections and what exercises to do to identify, manage and design emotions. This results in awareness, calmness, acceptance (validating our emotions), happiness (even though it sounds overly promising), and understanding (of self and others). And, at the end of this list, better connections and relationships.