Patricia Maguet: «A couple is the one with whom you look forward»
Relationships entail many feelings and experiences that are so important for those who experience them that they become part of their identity, their way of understanding life. However, it is no secret that many courtships and marriages end up being unstable and ultimately collapse, generating a torrent of emotions and unsatisfied desires. That's why it's so important learn to detect the signs that a relationship has a future or does not have one. In this interview with the psychologist Patricia Maguet we talk about it.
Interview with Patricia Maguet: how to know if my relationship has a future
Patricia Maguet Levy is a psychologist specialized in couple therapy and family therapy with more than 28 years of experience in this field. In this interview we talk about the signs that help to know if a delinquent relationship has a future in the field of marriage and courtship.
With the passing of the years and the loss of influence of marriage as a religious institution, many people criticize that relationships have become too short-term. Do you think it is true that in the field of love we think little about the future?
Yes, it is true that many people think that it is no longer necessary for a relationship to last a lifetime because divorce no longer generates as much rejection.
But at the same time, we know that separations and divorces are not easy and I believe that there are many people who share the desire to have a relationship that lasts. Someone with whom to make future plans and not only because you want to start a family, but to share other dreams, ambitions, challenges...
I think that we have not at all abandoned the illusion of finding someone to accompany us throughout life as long as the relationship provides us with the security and tranquility that we seek.
Do you think that many people make the mistake of assuming that the future plans of both members of the couple are the same, in order to avoid having to face difficult conversations?
I think it's a great question because too often I see couples who choose each other "with their eyes closed", carried away by love but without wanting to touch the ground.
For example, in these last two months I have seen three couples who were in crisis because one of them wanted to have children and the other did not.
But the curious thing is that, in all cases, the person who did not want to have children had been clear from the beginning of the relationship. There had been no change of mind. And I believe that we still get too carried away by the romantic myths of the “he/she will change” style or even worse, “I will change him/her” instead of facing things as they are from the beginning.
If life projects are incompatible, sooner or later a crisis will arise, so it is much better to face it. the differences from the beginning than finding out that you have been with a partner for 10 years who is not looking for the same thing as you. you.
What are, in your point of view, the personal characteristics linked to a greater capacity to have stable relationships that can last decades?
Look, the answer I would give you has to do with maturity, although I already know that it is an ambiguous word and difficult to explain.
I'm going to try to ground this word so you understand it better. For me, maturity includes characteristics like:
Responsibility, that is, having the ability to accept the consequences of my decisions, of the things I do, what I think, what I mean... knowing that I can make mistakes, but that if I hurt my partner I must be able to admit it and be able to repair the pain that I have caused.
The ability to know myself, to know what I am like for both the good and the bad. Be aware of what I can contribute to the relationship, but also of the part of me that can be difficult for my partner.
This ability to know myself must also include knowing how I feel, the ability to share how I feel, and the possibility of regulating my emotions so that they do not take over me and lead me to do or say things that I can repent
Generosity and empathy are also very important because they allow us to accept our partner's defects: they allow us forgive, relativize, not hold on to resentment and be loving even with what we like least about the person with whom we share life.
A certain degree of autonomy is also necessary because it allows you to be comfortable without company, make decisions on your own, not lose sight of your needs, enjoy and have a good time without your partner. But at the same time this autonomy, when it is not rigid, allows you to ask for help whenever you need it.
Well, I could make a very long list, but these 5 seem like a very good base to build on. a solid relationship that can withstand all the challenges that life throws at you in front of.
And what are the characteristics of relationships (not people as individuals) that have a long-term future?
A good way to measure the health of your relationship is by taking the 4-legs test. The same legs that a table has.
The first leg is obviously love. You have to feel affection for your partner, you have to like them as they are and you also have to see things in them that you can learn from, be inspired by, complement yourself...
For example, if he has more patience than you, he takes more care of himself than you, he is more constant than you, he knows how to put things into perspective or he is braver, more prudent or whatever. There has to be some admiration for this person.
The second leg has to do with friendship. Do you find in your partner what you expect from a friend? Do you feel that he listens to you, cares about you, is interested in the important thing that is happening to you right now? And at the same time, does he know you, accepts you as you are, knows your flaws and still loves you??? If all this happens, this friendship allows you to trust that this person will be on your side, even when he thinks you are wrong. You know he won't judge you, betray you, or willingly harm you...
Let's go with the third leg, attraction, desire and of course sexual life. A relationship includes sex, which is what makes it different from a friendship or “sharing a flat,” so this element is also essential.
And finally, there is the leg of future projects. A partner is someone with whom you look forward, with whom you imagine sharing something in a few years, with whom you plan a part of your future. Without this look we cannot talk about a couple either. And now that I have told you the 4 legs, imagine that your relationship is like a table. Do you think it could stand on these four legs? Or is there one who dances or who isn't there at all?
From your experience working in couples therapy, how can you distinguish between a dating crisis or of temporary marriage and another that, if not addressed, will be repeated chronically throughout the years. years?
Temporary courtship crises are usually closely related to what you discover about your partner that you did not imagine at first. It's like landing after falling in love. Sometimes it's soft and delicate and other times it's more like a crash when you discover things about your partner that you didn't even imagine. So, these crises have to allow you to decide whether, knowing what you have already discovered about your partner, you want to continue in this relationship or not.
Temporary marriage crises are usually related to either personal crises of one of the two people or with things that happen outside the relationship, but that put too much stress on the relationship. relationship.
I'll give you an example to make it clear. Everything that covid brought us: confinement, working at home, loss of work, less income... It is something that comes from outside, but it can cause a lot of stress in the relationship.
So whenever the couple is adapting to a change (having a child, losing a job, caring for someone sick, death of someone loved, a transfer...), the crisis that arises may be temporary and has to do with adaptation to the new situation.
What causes chronic crises? Well, they are often conflicts or differences that are not fully resolved. Or because they are swept under the rug, or because some other problem arises that makes us lose sight of that difficulty, or because a solution is made that seems to relieve the tension, but has not really worked. problem.
Finally, what do you recommend people look for who are going through the initial stage of a relationship and want to know if this courtship has a future?
A good recommendation is that you do not seriously commit to a relationship until you start having conflicts.
What do I mean? Well, normally at the beginning and up to the first 2 years, falling in love makes us see more of what we want to see than what really is. A clear example that you are letting yourself be carried away by falling in love is when you only see what you have in common. Sounds familiar to you, right?
It is that situation in which you feel that “you are the same”: we like the same thing, we listen to the same music, we do the same sport, We think the same about life, we go to the same places... Come on, as if the universe had placed your soul in front of you. twin.
But that feeling has more to do with an illusion than with reality. Because falling in love clouds our vision and because at first we all show our best side because we are trying to seduce, to fall in love, to sell ourselves.
So, what I recommend is that you wait for the first friction, the first tensions, arguments... There you will learn a lot from the other person. You will see if he listens to you or not, if he can accept what you need, if he can face conflicts or if he avoids or exploits them, if he supports you when you need it... And with this information, you will be able to begin to assess whether or not it is worth betting on that relationship.