How to help a child cope with the death of a loved one

The death of a loved one is not easy for anyone to assimilate. It must be understood that the assimilation and acceptance processes are different in each person. Age, personality, circumstances, among other factors, determine these differences.

But in the particular case of children, guidance by an adult is always recommended. Mourning for them is different and it is the people around you who will help you carry this process in the healthiest and most comfortable way possible.

What to do and know to help a child cope with the death of a loved one

Although these issues are never easy to address, the emotional well-being of children should be a priority. The process that is lived after someone close dies, it must be carried correctly to avoid emotional consequences, especially in children.

To achieve this there are a series of guidelines that must be applied immediately. In other words, if someone close to you is sick and in danger of dying, you should start explaining to the child. Of course, whenever it is considered necessary, you must rely on emotional health professionals.

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1. Speak openly

Good communication is needed to help a child cope with the death of a loved one. This is essential. Death must cease to be a taboo subject, the subject must not be hidden or evaded. Doing so, far from favoring the child, plunges him into tremendous confusion.

As mentioned above, it is necessary to explain what happens even in the face of the mere possibility that someone close to you dies. If he is in the hospital, seriously ill, it must be said from the moment it is happening.

How the subject is going to be approached and what is going on depends on the age of the child. When they are under 6 years old, you have to talk with them about someone's death or illness in a very concrete, simple and true way. This means that expressions such as "fell asleep", "went on a trip", or the like should not be used..

If the children are older than 6 years, the subject can be dealt with with greater complexity because at that age they are mentally trained to understand what is happening. In the case of adolescents, you should always speak with total and absolute truth.

2. Allow you to participate in rituals

There is always the question of whether or not children should witness the rituals around death. The answer is yes, as long as this is possible and the environment is one of respect and mutual compassion.

In these situations, it is advisable to previously speak with the child about what is going to happen in the ritual. Without too many explanations in the case of children under 6 years of age, but commenting on what will happen in those moments.

Once this is done, you have to ask the children if they want to be there. If they say yes, it is convenient to rely on someone who can be close to the child to take care of him and, if necessary, leave with him.

Before older children, especially adolescents, they should be encouraged to attend the rituals. It may happen that they express not wanting to go, however, without trying to force them, it is better to persuade them, as it is part of the mourning process. However, you have to be careful not to subdue them and make them feel little respected in your decision..

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3. Talk about beliefs

If they profess any religion, we must talk about death from the perspective of our faith. In order for them to better understand the rituals around someone's death, the issue must be approached from our beliefs or religion.

Everything related to the subject, from the perspective of our creed, will greatly aid your understanding of death. The child or adolescent must be allowed to raise their doubts, questions and especially their emotions.

In response to all this, he can again rely on what his religion or beliefs indicate, and if not follow a specific religion, talk about what you or your family believe about it and how perceive.

The most important thing is to let him speak and express his doubts. Make him feel in an environment of trust, in which he can speak without taboos. It is not necessary to pressure or be exasperated if the child manifests not being convinced of the beliefs or explanations from the religion.

4. Don't overprotect

Hiding emotions, hiding information or not making him participate in rituals is overprotecting him. And this is inappropriate for the emotional process of the child, whatever age.

It is common for parents to believe that they should be strong in front of their children. They suppress crying and pain so as not to be weak or sensitive in front of children. This is a mistake because, especially in the little ones, it sends the wrong message.

Children must witness their reality and face it, of course always with the support and guidance of their elders. Knowing the range of emotions and the proper management of them, provides them with more tools than to hide pain and suffering from them.

In addition, this provides the guideline for the child to know that he can express her emotions and that there is nothing wrong with it. In this way, a feeling of trust and complicity is generated, thus generating an intimate environment where he feels comfortable expressing what he feels.

5. Validate emotions

Especially in the days after death, it is normal for the child to express different emotions. And all are valid and normal, likewise all can be learned to manage, a task in which the adult must intervene and guide.

It must be clear that emotion management is a very complex process that is not mastered until after adolescence. Therefore, expecting a child or young person to know how to handle their emotions correctly and wisely is irrational.

Children and adolescents can present attitudes of anger, sadness, frustration... They can isolate themselves, hide or express their emotions openly and continuously. Especially in the little ones, sadness can manifest itself in very different ways.

Some start to act hyperactive, or get upset easily. They have attitudes that sometimes do not seem related to the sadness of losing someone close. This is normal and you have to be willing to understand it and help them understand it.

An effective way to work on this is by validating your emotions. Phrases like "I know you must feel angry" or "I understand that you are very sad" accompanied by some action that allows you to transcend that emotion, are the necessary tools for this stage.

6. Seek support

Seeking extra support to handle the situation should not be perceived as a weakness. Seeking therapy or a support group can provide the necessary tools to better deal with this grief and help the children in theirs.

You can also seek that support in extra material such as literature or films that address this topic. In addition to providing information to the child, it is also an opportunity to talk and express mutual feelings.

It must always be clear that showing our own emotions to children is not bad. Far from hurting them or making them feel insecure by seeing us crying and assimilating our pain, we can provide them with a great teaching by witnessing how we handle and manage our emotions.

For this reason it is important that we ourselves take care of our emotional health, and that if necessary, we seek support from a professional and not hide it from the little ones. This is teaching them that it is normal to feel pain and it is normal to need help.

7. Stay alert

The grieving process can take up to two years. During this time and even longer, it is necessary to be attentive to the process of minors. We must not lower our guard and think that everything is over and that if the child no longer cries, then everything is over.

Because these events are painful for everyone, we sometimes make the mistake of wanting to turn the page and not wanting to think or talk about it again. However this is a mistake. Allow time for it to really heal.

So the recommendation is to continually ask children and adolescents about how they feel. Continue to foster an environment of trust so that they feel safe talking to us. But at the same time you have to be alert to situations that could be abnormal.

For example, changes in eating or sleeping habits, ongoing feelings of guilt, somatization, irritability, decreased school performance, could be warning signs that indicate that the duel has not yet concluded and take action on the matter either by seeking professional support, or by redoubling efforts within the environment family.

Bibliographic references

• Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and grief: When a parent dies. New York, NY, US: Guilford Press.
• Melhem, N. M., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Walker Payne, M., & Brent, D. TO. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of general psychiatry.