What is emotional blackmail and how to detect it?

There is nothing more pleasant than being able express our emotions and have control of them, avoid overflowing, communicate with force, be empathetic with the situations of others and listen carefully to offer a helping hand when necessary.

In short, there are many benefits to putting our emotional intelligence, not only in knowing ourselves, but in being able to relate to others in the best possible way.

But, Did you know that emotion can also be used as a dangerous weapon? Unfortunately, there are those who only view the kindness or vulnerability of others as a selfish opportunity to gain personal gain through emotional blackmail. This being a vicious circle that is capable of altering the perception of all those involved about the way to give and receive attention, affection and appreciation.

Do you want to know a little more about it? Then do not miss the following article where we will talk about what emotional blackmail is all about and how you can detect it to get out of there on time or, better yet, never fall.

What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is like any other type of blackmail, in which a selfish person and interested takes advantage of the weakness of another so that he provides something he wants, through the use of manipulation, accusations, claims, passive-aggressive behaviors or false vulnerable behaviors (that is, playing the role of victim). In order to have complete control over the relationship they maintain with said person, being completely unnoticed by this person.

Only in this case, the blackmail is on a sentimental level, so the perpetrator uses the feelings his partner or partner has towards him as a free card to satisfy his demands. There is also the case that he takes advantage of his emotions to keep him by his side and restrict his freedom, for wanting to receive all the attention of this person solely for herself, thus bringing consequences to the quality of the relationship and even to the self-confidence of the person being blackmailed.

Why do people resort to emotional blackmail?

There are several reasons why people tend to use channels of manipulation or control in a relationship, no matter what type it is (friendship, work, family or intimate) but these reasons always converge in the same origin: fear of being abandoned. This leads people to acquire obsessive and egocentric behaviors in interpersonal relationships, so that they can hide their insecurity while ensuring that they receive the care they want and believe they deserve to feel ‘Loved ones’.

It should be noted that this perception of love they have is completely distorted, since they seek their own interests over the needs of others, that is, they don't really care about other people's feelings, because it only matters that blackmailers get what they want. If this is not the case, they think they have the freedom to accuse their colleagues of betrayal, emotional distancing, deception, little affection and reciprocity, lack of empathy, etc.

Ways to recognize emotional blackmail

In emotional blackmail is exhausting and drastically changes the way we live, therefore it is important to know how to recognize it to get away from that environment.

1. Constant misrepresentation in their speeches

This is one of the most outstanding characteristics of manipulative people, who change their speech over and over again, despite being confronted directly by their words. They always find a way to make the other believe that it is he who misunderstood or that it is a defensive justification for feeling attacked.

Because they are not able to face real responsibility for their actions and make a drastic change from their position of victimizer to victim, with lamentations, excuses or taking a list of what they do for their partner and that they do not recognize him according to they.

2. Forced normality

This is also known as 'the elephant in the room' and deals with the discomfort that the blackmailer creates around him, through a silent annoyance. That is, he pretends that nothing is wrong when in fact something very serious happens, but that he does not want to talk about it, but prefers to avoid it.

However, this avoidance only generates more conflict between the couple or in any relationship already that, the problem is never solved and the feelings of discomfort are always present and in increase. Even blackmailers can use this annoyance as a threat.

3. Continuous threats

Speaking of threats, this point is also extremely common in manipulative people and who often use when they feel lonely or in danger of being abandoned with the breakdown of the relationship. So, to avoid it, they make constant threats to their partner, either in a passive aggressive way (talking about themselves in a derogatory) or directly aggressive (saying that they feel bad about their partner's behavior or that the separation will cause problems in them).

4. Unrealistic demands and expectations

This behavior is highly expected in blackmailers, especially when they manage to retain their partners after a threat or when they 'admit' their mistake in a forced way. So to ‘earn’ their forgiveness, they must please them as much as they want, regardless of whether it is within the means of their partners or family members.

The problem with it is that these demands and demands will never be satisfied, on the contrary, they will ask for more and more, moving away from the needs of the other person, because they only focus on pleasing themselves, to feel good in the relationship.

5. Constant self-punishment

Not all blackmail is direct and aggressive, there are those who base their emotional manipulation on the fact that people feel sorry for them, so that they ‘pity’ and take care of them while they fulfill their wishes or needs. So these people do not attack their peers, but they attack themselves with acts of personal devaluation that concern others.

How to make big non-existent sacrifices, blame yourself for problems, misrepresent your partner's words, find him a negative meaning to the acts he does, saying that he feels bad about his role in the relationship and in more extreme cases reaching self-harm. All this in order to awaken remorse in people and do everything possible to make them feel better.

6. Defensive resistance

Blackmailers always want to be right, because they believe they are right and there is no power in the world to make them consider that they are wrong, so they tend to fight constantly until the counterpart gives up or tires, thus gaining the battle. This reflex occurs because the partner has not complied with her demands or has confronted her, which is completely unacceptable for the blackmailer since he feels that he deserves it and therefore, it is unfair that he does not please.

So you can throw tantrums, express yourself loudly, fight dramatically, argue, accuse your partner of being insensitive or stingy, etc.

7. Gaslighting

This is one of the most subtle but shocking emotional abuses of all, as the blackmailer manages to play with the mind of his partner, reaching be able to doubt your actions, beliefs, perception of reality or words spoken and mold them into what the blackmailer wishes or more convenient. With the purpose that this is free of all accusations and remains as the one who puts the most effort in the relationship, while that the manipulated person is left with a permanent malaise and the need to make up for her mistake (which never committed).

This is classic in the examples of infidelities (where betrayal is justified by lack of care, love or understanding) or when one of the parties does not commit to the relationship (claiming that she never said she would).

8. Mercantilist blackmail

One of the most classic emotional blackmails, where the person appears to show a kind and disinterested attitude towards grant some kind of money, by inviting the other, paying a debt or giving gifts, which on many occasions was never asked to did. When something happens that the manipulative person does not like or a demand is not met, they can use those expenses as a weapon of attack, claiming that only she is the one who makes sacrifices monetary.

9. They minimize others

For manipulative people, their problems are the only ones that matter and their needs take precedence over that those of any other person, even if their demands are superficial or do not have any contribution to the relationship, or to themselves themselves. This is because they are selfish people and only think about how to ensure their well-being, so don't be surprised if, despite listening and attending to their partner's problems, they actually end up diverting attention to their wishes.

The same happens with the goals of their partners, which if they do not benefit them, they do everything possible to eliminate them, making the person feel that they will not achieve anything with it or that they are not good enough to succeed. For this they use a very insulting verbal language, which only underestimates the ability of others, weakening their desire to grow.

10. They abuse the weakness of others

We all have a weak point, a vulnerability that we try to avoid or an issue that makes us sensitive and we prefer to move away as much as possible because it causes us discomfort and insecurity. But, these are precious weapons for blackmailers and they do not hesitate to use them in their favor to hurting others and stressing that they will only get worse without them or that they are the only ones they will accept as well.

Therefore, it is normal to see abusive people with partners or surrounded by friends who have great insecurities, since that gives them a feeling of power over them.

11. Sudden mood swings

A manipulative person can appear to be comfortable in an environment or with his partner's friends, always showing happy and friendly, but once they are in intimacy this changes completely and she becomes a bitter person and little pleased. This also happens in any environment that doesn't satisfy her or that she believes is stealing her partner's attention, thus letting her know how unhappy she is with it.

12. Vicious circle

All of these behaviors are repeated over and over again in a continuous and vicious cycle, increasing more and more, despite the existence of spaces of calm and happiness, since these disappear very early. So that, unless professional help is sought, this never gets better.

So you already know the guidelines to detect emotional blackmail and completely stay away from these people who will only steal your peace of mind.