What is healthy dependency in a relationship?

In consultation I meet people who cannot say why they are with their partner. "I suppose I love him", "he makes me feel safe", "what will he do if I am not there?"... It is sometimes difficult to differentiate between a dependency on that person and love.

It is important to emphasize that the main objective within a relationship is not to be completely independent, as we have always been taught. Of course, we are independent beings with our personality, our traits, our tastes or hobbies.

Once we are in a relationship, if we function completely independently what will happen is that we will find ourselves in a dysfunctional relationship. There will be no space for communication, for leisure etc. Therefore, we are going to discard the idea that it is important to be only independent and we are going to relate through a healthy dependency.

• Related article: "The 7 keys to having a healthy relationship with your partner"

Healthy dependency in relationships

What does it mean? Human beings are social beings, that is,

we need contact with others. If we are totally independent we find ourselves within a dysfunctional bonding pattern.

On the contrary, this healthy bonding or dependence with others occurs when we are capable of manage our own emotions and we are also able to regulate the emotions of the other person and we feel comfortable and confident in our relationship with others.

In the case of being an independent person, the second factor would not be fulfilled. These people are not comfortable in privacy; in this case there will be a great need for self-regulation. Conversely, a dependent person will feel very good within this intimacy but not autonomously, there will be a need for confusion with the other person.

• You may be interested: "Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

Asymmetries in the couple

In consultation, it is very common to find couples in which one of the members is more dependent and the other more independent. What will happen in these cases?

The most dependent person will start all the care that he considers necessary for her partner, without his requesting it. You will put aside everything you need and want. Through this care they will obtain the reinforcement they need for their well-being, since they will usually be people with a damaged self-esteem. They will also need the opinion of the other when making decisions and usually do not put limits to others as a way to protect themselves.

These types of patients feel that the relationship with their partner gives them security and stability. This is the first differentiation that I would like to make.

What these people feel is security for being accompaniedThinking about loneliness makes them very afraid and they prefer this type of relationship, in which they feel a lot of discomfort, than ending it. The discomfort is due to that constant fear that they have of losing the other and to prevent this from happening they start all the care, giving themselves mistrust. And the first premise that we talk about for a healthy relationship to take place is trust in intimacy with the other. In this case we are not in a horizontal relationship, that is, in a relationship of equals.

In more dependent people we find ourselves with a more submissive profile, so the person will never feel safe. They will only feel secure when their partner reassures them how well she has done something, or how well she has made a decision. This is when it can be confusing whether a person feels safe in the relationship. But if you realize the basis of this type of relationship is fear and therefore insecurity.

How can we identify if we are in a healthy relationship?

First of all it is important feel safe with ourselvesBear in mind that well-being depends on oneself and not on our partner. If we seek well-being in the other person and our emotions depend on this, we find ourselves in a dysfunctional relationship, we would not be regulating our own emotions and we are putting the responsibility externally.

Also important that we know what our needs are, as well as those of our partner. Once we have identified them, it is important that we express them and move in that direction to achieve what we want. Normally in caregivers it is difficult to identify what those needs are. I propose that you do a reflective work and focus on what generates well-being or what you need to feel good.

Let's imagine a piece of land where we are going to build a house. The first thing that we are going to have to build is the foundations, without these our house will not resist and probably with the slightest movement it will collapse. Relationships are like houses, they need to have a solid foundation. These are communication, trust, respect and equality. If these premises do not occur, what will happen is that we are not in a healthy relationship, and it is then when will the different dysfunctional bonding patterns from what we saw kick in previously.

It is important to keep in mind that a healthy and accepting relationship with ourselves is required to have functional relationships. Otherwise we will be depositing our discomfort and experiences in the relationship added to those of the other person, thus allowing us to understand the different relationships in which we have found.