How to say "no" without feeling guilty

Human beings are social animals. This implies having to frequently interact with other people, although it is true that this need is more intense in some cases (very social people) and less in others.

Despite the importance of this social element in a person's life, it is a reality the absence of structured learning of social skills within school settings. Thus, the chance that will place the boy or girl in a context and in a given family will make there more or less skillful models from a social point of view from which to learn.

If we have skillful examples from an early age, the probability of learn and replicate those skills with our behaviors in adulthood. The same will happen but in the opposite direction in the event that there are no such references.

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Styles of social behavior

Traditionally, there have been four major blocks or styles of behavior within the social sphere. These are as follows:

1. Assertive or socially adept style

It consists of the ability to express opinions, feelings and wishes without threatening or punishing others and without violating the rights of those people. This style favors not only respect for one's own rights but also for the rights of others. Knowing how to say no properly without feeling guilty, claiming for what we have paid or knowing how to handle the pressure of another person are some examples of assertive behavior.

2. Passive or Inhibited Style

In this case we would speak of a violation of one's rights by not being able to openly express opinions (especially when they are contrary to the rest), feelings, and thoughts or when expressing them in a self-defeating way, with lack of confidence or even with apologies for fear of rejection or that others may ignore or get a negative idea of person.

It is important to note that this style is related to one's own lack of respect towards oneself since in many cases, legitimate objectives are waived by avoiding conflicts at all costs.

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3. Aggressive Style

It consists of the defense of personal rights and expression of thoughts, feelings and opinions in an inappropriate and imposing way, something that usually causes the violation of the rights of other people.

It is relevant to note that aggressive behavior can be shown both directly with the person or group of people themselves, as well as indirectly, that is, "messing around" through third parties. Likewise, aggressiveness can be verbal as well as non-verbal through physical violence.

4. Passive-Aggressive Style

Consists of the combination of passive and aggressive style. In this way, in a first phase the person adopts a passive role where in a conscious or unconscious, a pressure builds up that ends up “coming out” through the aggressive style (“the drop that fills the glass ”).

Why is it sometimes difficult for us to say "No"?

It should be clarified that we normally oscillate between one style and another, that is, we are not passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or assertive in one hundred percent of the situations, but we oscillate depending on the context and person or people with whom we interact (it is more likely to be aggressive towards our mother than with our own boss-a ...).

• For fear of rejection or not being considered. Disapproval is one of the main causes of non-assertion.

• For fear of disturbing or create an awkward situation.

• For thinking that we are acting badly.

• For feeling ashamed or guilty when opposing an opinion, request, etc.

• Specifically, for thinking that not being assertive in that situation is the best option, something that in many situations implies assertion.

How to say "no" without feeling guilty

To know how to communicate your own motivations with assertiveness, it is best to be guided by the following keys.

1. Recognize the right to say no

If we cannot complete this first step, it will be very difficult to be assertive or assertive. To do this, we have to accept that Suman beings have a series of basic rights, including being able to say No.

2. Thinking that we are not being selfish

In the same way that the other person has the right to ask me for something and not be selfish for it, I also have the right to say No appropriately without feeling guilty.

3. Accept the fact that you can't please everyone

Sometimes our behavior will please other people but sometimes not. Accepting this fact as something natural will make us stronger in the social and personal sphere.

4. Staying safe when expressing yourself 

When expressing what you think, do so calmly, without going around the bush, and in a way that is respectful of the other person.

In summary we are talking about an important skill that needs some daily training. Like all training, it is about going little by little. We can go from less to more, that is, be assertive in uncompromising situations in order to achieve confidence and security that allows us to subsequently go towards more difficult objectives for us. Do we start today?

Bibliographic references:

• Horse, V. AND. Manual of evaluation and training of social skills. 2005. Editorial XXI century.