Rebellious Teens: 6 Tips for Parents in Trouble

"How this son hurts me". This is what a mother told me during therapy, in relation to what she was experiencing in front of the adolescence of his son. And this is not an isolated case, we often hear the complaint of parents sometimes surprised, sometimes disillusioned and in most cases without knowing how to act in front of those who were their children before and now are some silent, rebellious, angry, questioning young people, who challenge us, and sometimes even see us as the enemy.

Adolescence is a complicated stage and as parents it is normal that we can be a little overwhelmed. Although we have read about the subject, and despite doing our best to inform ourselves, when the time comes when our son is a teenager we can suffer anxiety when having to face this new situation.

Rebellious Teens: A Guide for Parents in Trouble

As a result of the workshops that I have given to parents, I have been able to collect some concepts that I hope will be useful to you. The focus is on what we can do, what is in our hands, not on complaining about his attitudes and trying to modify them, which 

it only brings frustration, because nobody can change the other overnight.

On the other hand, if I transform my attitudes and become more aware, I am taking the first step. I clarify that this does not mean abandoning the limits and consequences that are necessary and would be the subject of another reflection.

It may interest you: "10 Common Symptoms That Teens With Depression Have"

Six Tips for Improving Communication with Teenagers

To try to provide useful tools to parents who have coexistence problems with their adolescent child, I propose a series of points that will allow us to lay the foundations for better communication and interaction with them..

1. I unlink my personal history from yours

As parents, we must be able to unlink our personal history from that of our adolescent son, unlinking what is ours from what is his, thus avoiding making you carry a backpack of added pressure. It is vital that we understand him for what he is and that we take responsibility for our own life, and let him walk his way. As parents we have to try to make it easier for the adolescent son to develop her life independently and living her own experiences. This will make him learn for himself and adapt better to the social environment. It is not necessary, then, that as parents we add anxiety or fear to our children.

2. I avoid comparing it with others

Another essential point. Our adolescent son has the right to travel his path in life according to his preferences and his own decisions, and the parents we must support and respect him so that he is able to successfully address his own experiences. Put labels to her personal preferences or to compare her with other people not only does not stimulate her to improve but can place a heavy burden on her selfconcept. We must be able to make a constant effort to respect their way of being, even in the case that as parents we think that their attitude is not the most appropriate. Of course, this implies not wanting our child to look like someone else, constantly comparing him with that high school classmate who gets better grades, or any other reflection that may diminish his self-esteem.

3. I understand your socialization guidelines

This is where our ability as parents to be flexible and positive comes in. As long as our child shows respectful and cordial behavior, we do not need to pressure him to socialize based on our standards or those of the immediate environment. Parents who are constantly concerned about whether their children "leave them badly" in front of other people simply act on rigid and conventional parameters of socialization. Showing our son that we care a lot about what they think of us (through his attitude, to make matters worse) is a way of conveying that we are ashamed of him. Fighting to make him act the way we want him to act will only cause the relationship to wear down and so that the adolescent cannot adapt freely to the social environment.

4. Beware of the idea of ​​"that he achieves what I did not do"

Our personal expectations regarding what we want our adolescent to be in the future can be very limiting for his or her personal development. We must understand what our true motivations are regarding the future of our child, and from there decide how demanding we should be with him. In any case, we must avoid that the weight of our expectations and desires falls on him. Our wishes and reflections on what we have achieved in life or what we want to achieve are personal and non-transferable, and it is not right for us to transfer these wishes to our children. They must go their own way and fight for their goals.

5. Each must learn from their mistakes

Most parents are not able to recognize that we feel validated and qualified through our children. And, although it is difficult to recognize it, it is the first step to understand many things and improve our relationship with them. If our son makes a mistake, he must bear the consequences, even if that hurts us and we feel we have to help him. We will always be there to give them the necessary support, but the children need us to give them the necessary space to make these mistakes that will allow them to learn, become aware of their responsibilities in life and to mature.

6. Emotions should not boycott me

Self-observation should be a fundamental pillar in our reflection on the attitudes and measures we take as parents. We must try to see a little beyond the tangible and identify our emotions and feelings. In this way, when we feel blocked or distressed, we can reflect and detect what we are feeling, and how to manage that emotion. Making self-observation a habit in our daily lives is especially useful when interacting with children adolescents, especially to identify when they put us to the test and show an assertive and relaxed attitude, and therefore control the situation. In this way we can act in the way that we think is most precise and necessary, and not from reactivity or anger.

By way of closing ...

I hope that these little tips and reflections can be useful when it comes to understanding our children's adolescence as a necessary process for its development at all levels. A process, that of adolescence, that we must follow in an intelligent way. We must understand that adolescents need to detach from parental protection and begin to be independent to become, in the near future, responsible adults and with their own goals in the lifetime.