Why avoidant attachment marks us during childhood

"My son behaves phenomenally, he spends the entire afternoon playing alone in his room and does not bother anything, how wonderful." You have probably heard this phrase more than once. In these cases you despair and look for the magic formula that this mother or father uses to get her son to stay all afternoon "without disturbing". Instead, your child asks you to play with him all the time or constantly asks for your attention.

I have a good new for you; It is normal and healthy for our children to ask us, "give war" and want to spend time with us. Having a child spend the entire afternoon in her air can allow us to have time to do household chores and finish things to do at work, but it is important that you know that this has consequences.

• Related article: "Attachment Theory and the bond between parents and children"

The importance of attachment

What is attachment? Attachment is the emotional bond that is established between the child and their caregivers, mainly with the mother. This emotional bond is important for the baby to feel protected and confident. In addition, it will allow us to learn to relate to ourselves and to others, helping us to understand the world.

There are several types of attachment: secure, anxious, disorganized and avoidant. The quality of affection that we offer to our children and the predictability of the parents' behavior will determine the type of attachment. This is why it is important that as parents we are always available to the needs of the baby and address these in a stable and predictable way. Otherwise, we will be creating an insecure attachment that can facilitate the development of different fears and insecurities in the child, with anxiety appearing as the basis.

When parents are not in emotional harmony with their children, they are distant in the case of the Avoidant attachment, or intrusive in the case of anxious attachment, cause anxiety, mistrust and unsafety. Children, in these cases, try to adapt to the environment by creating strategies that allow them to alleviate their discomfort.

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The keys to understanding avoidant attachment

Returning to our initial example, we are faced with an avoidant attachment. In this case the parents do not tend to be emotionally in tune with the child, ignoring the emotional needs of this.

There is no validation of the child's emotions. He learns that being sad or crying is not appropriate and that showing it leads to rejection by others, but if he does not show emotions there is recognition from his parents; for example, they reinforce and reward that he spends the entire afternoon playing alone in his room. You end up learning not to bother your parents with your needs. Thus, his parents will be physically closer to him. Therefore these boys and girls sacrifice closeness to others to avoid rejectionIn other words, the child learns that he has to fend for himself and that he cannot trust others.

In addition, the child also begins to use reasoning as a form of emotional regulation. She tries to get away from affection and its manifestation, acting according to what she thinks her parents expect of him or her, trying not to be a nuisance. It's important to put attention on children will learn to regulate their emotions based on how their parents do.

It is extremely important that in stressful situations for a child it is her parents who calm him down. We insist on telling them to go to their room and not leave until they are calmer, but it is not possible for a child to calm down on their own. Imagine that we come home very angry because of something that has happened to us at work, we try to tell our partner and she tells us that until we relax we do not talk to him. Look what happens in you: can you relax? Or on the contrary, does this generate more anger and more deregulation?

As in adults, it causes a negative reaction, in children too, also giving the circumstance that they need contact to calm down. The child needs company to relax and it is important that we are the facilitators of this regulation. If we are not the ones who provide him with that security, he will be a child, an adolescent and an insecure adult.

What are the consequences of this type of link?

When the protection figure is not physically or emotionally present, This situation leads the child to regulate himself with something that can replace this absence: material things, tasks, food or other people. This type of emotional regulation is dysfunctional, so pathological behaviors can sometimes appear. In adolescence and adulthood, the use of drugs, alcohol or pathological gambling can also be used. There are even times when parents use material utensils to regulate the well-being of their children. Today the use of technology is one of the most effective resources that parents use, but through which negative consequences are obtained.

The child's inability to regulate himself can facilitate the appearance of psychological disorders such as anxiety, phobias, depression or personality disorders. On the other hand, faced with inconsistent attachment figures, the child develops a sense of self of little worth and feelings of abandonment, as well as my fear of rejection by others. If the caregiver is cold and the child has feelings of not being deserving of affection, this will cause problems in his self-esteem.

The inability to be intimate with other people is also a factor to take into account. In adulthood, these people will be individuals with barriers to social and partner relationships, since the relationships that we establish with our reference figures will determine our relationships when we are adolescents and later Adults; there will be great difficulty in expressing emotions and feelings to others. If from home there has not been a space to name emotions and to express them, it will be difficult to recognize them.

How can we improve the bond with our children?

Children need us to tune in to them, that is, to be able to put ourselves in their place. The harmful behaviors that they sometimes carry out, such as the most aggressive actions, stopping eating, having nightmares or not interacting with other children, are indicators that they are not feeling well. This is where we have to tune in to them and not stay in superficial behavior, but try to understand the depth of what is happening.

If every time my son does not eat I speak badly and punish him, I will not be tuning in to him. In this case, you have to do some reflective work yourself and see what you suggest that your child does not want to eat, if you act based on what you want and not what the child needs, we will not helping you.

We can also improve the bond by playing and spending quality time with the little ones, dedicating moments exclusively to them. The fundamental thing is to put words to emotions, look into the eyes, smile, sing, have physical contact... in conclusion, offer a base that provides calm and security.

There are times that it will be our own life history that prevents us from having a safe and healthy bond with our children. In that case, it is important to contact a specialist and that he / she helps us solve those things from the past that prevent us from functionally managing in the present. Remember: Unconsciously our discomfort is transmitted and perceived by the smallest of the house.