When the children marry and the family home is empty

When couples marry, they begin the adventure of marriage; With great enthusiasm they dare to dream, create projects in common, they enjoy each other as a couple and sometimes they wait for the great moment of the arrival of their children at home. With great emotion they embark on the path of raising this new creature. Many fears, concerns and new needs arise, but little by little everything is resolved.

These are the magical moments that couples who attend the consultation remember because "their babies" became independent by leaving home and they now do not know what to do. What usually happens is that They have been living for their children for more than twenty years, so the moment they become independent can be a severe blow; they are overwhelmed by an incredible sadness and loneliness. When the children marry, the family nest is empty and few things remain the same.

"My children are leaving home"

These parents want the best for their children and support them, but inside they feel they fade in pain

. “I sit on his bed and I start to cry. Now what am I going to do? " says the father days after the wedding of his only daughter.

It is the expected moment, as the father recognizes, and he feels happy for the partner of his daughter, But he is aware of the rearrangements that they will have to do at home, because the experiences will not be the same. themselves. It is time for family reorganization, to reach a new stability.

That is why I consider it important to provide information about this new stage that couples are going through, and especially about the Empty Nest Syndrome, as well as give recommendations to face it.

The Empty Nest Syndrome

Couples go through different stages, and in each one both partners must rearrange their expectations, desires, needs so that together they can go walking and feeling satisfied in said union. In general, when the children are at home, the parents' priority focuses on their being well: providing them with affection, values, food, shelter, shelter, study, fun, etc. Therefore, parents spend a great deal of time striving to fulfill this role.

Unfortunately, on many occasions, they forget that before becoming parents they were people and then a couple; therefore, they consider that their only duty is to be parents and their life revolves around their "great loves".

A definition

Before continuing, let's clarify what we mean when we talk about the Empty Nest Syndrome.

It not only refers to physical separation, but also to emotional distancing based on "not depending or being subordinated to the parents ”, either because the children start a relationship or for reasons of independence or studies.

Symptoms that can appear when children leave home

The Empty Nest Syndrome referred to here is absolutely linked to the event of separation from the children. Among the main symptoms are:

• Permanent sadness and the urge to cry for no apparent reason, linked to feelings of hopelessness and even tiredness.
• Loss of meaning in life. No interest found in any activity. You don't want to do anything. You are not motivated by any task.
• Feeling of loneliness.
• Feeling of abandonment, and even "jealousy" for not being the priority in his son.
• Excessive and irrational concern for the child's well-being or daughter, generating stress or anxiety.
• Affective vulnerability or sensitivity (irritability) related to petty issues related to the son (they served the son's favorite dessert and that affected him), it can even generate a feeling of rejection or exclusion (without having valid arguments for appear).

Some variables in the expression of the syndrome

Reactions are not usually equal in intensity, as they depend on factors such as the type of relationship that was maintained with the child, the personality or the emotional resources available in the moment; much of this is mediated by the support that between spouses can offer.

Women express their discomfort more easily and seek professional help. Men, due to their social role, find it more difficult to externalize their discomfort, which is expressed through somatic complaints.

The Empty Nest Syndrome and diagnostic manuals

It is important to mention that this syndrome lacks diagnostic foundation in psychiatric manuals.

However, it is often heard today in the clinic. At first, couples focus on the "departure of their children", little by little they realize the abandonment of their person and most likely your partner, therefore, the recovery process begins at this point essential.

To do?

The objective is be clear about your goals, projects, hobbies, friendships, family, among others, as well as dedicating the necessary time and space to the couple and allowing an environment to be generated in where children can make "their flight" without generating a significant imbalance in the parents.

In those situations where the couple maintains a healthy relationship, but one or both parents are going through this situation, they are offered a series of recommendations to more easily assimilate the new dynamics:

1. Work on self-esteem

Many times the couple places all their hopes and expectations in the role of parents, that is, in the formation of good human beings, and nothing is contemplated beyond that work. Therefore, when children no longer need them to make decisions or simply undertake their own projects, a huge vacuum is generated.

Therefore, the Empty Nest Syndrome can cause a feeling of worthlessness to appear that lowers self-esteem.

2. Focus your attention well

Many times people only focus on the losses they are going through, not paying attention to the gains. When a son leaves home, it is because he is prepared to assume, with his own resources, her life, which will bring with it many benefits or opportunities. Therefore, it is worth channeling new needs in a positive way. In short, tackle new projects.

People have many abilities and virtues that they can put at the service of others. Volunteering, community service, charity work, counseling, can be options in which redirect their potential and energy, or some work that generates income but at the same time can be therapeutic.

3. Express your own feelings

It is healthy for parents to express their pain, as they are going through a grieving process that little by little they will overcome. Therefore, it is normal for them to visit their children's room or belongings and if necessary to cry to release their pain. It is a very personal moment of emotional recollection.

4. Rearrange the role

Children start a new stage in which they will also need things from their parents, but from another position. It is very important that parents adjust to the new needs of their children, which can be just as important as when they were at home.

5. Out the stress

Parents often spend a lot of time raising their children concerned about their well-being and are predisposed to being worried, but now unnecessarily. Even unwittingly, they pass on those concerns to their children, which is harmful.

That is why it is necessary learn to relax, first detecting those negative thoughts or irrational that generate worries, and then practicing physical exercises and, if necessary, meditation.

6. Live a second honeymoon

Having more free time is a good opportunity to enjoy time with your partner and to find new activities that are to the liking of both: Going out to eat, practicing alternative sports, getting to know new places, etc.

If you no longer have a partner, it may be the best time to meet new people, go out with friends and share moments with the rest of the family.

A final consideration

The most important thing to keep in mind is that parents do the wonderful job of doing what is necessary so that their children can become independent.

Although it may hurt at first, adjusting to the new situation is the most appropriate and beneficial, because at no parent would like to see their children back home because they weren't ready for it. world. Therefore, there are reasons for parents to feel happy and proud both for their work and for the effort that their pupils are making putting into practice the teachings of the teacher.