Grief over death: the process of seeking comfort

A few months ago, on the cusp of the greatest pain I have ever personally experienced, I received one of those well-meaning phrases that stirred up emotions that I had not experienced before; "It's good that as a thanatologist it won't hurt so much and you'll get over it sooner than the rest of us." I still feel the echo of these words drilling into my head.

Death is one of those experiences that psychologists, thanatologists, doctors, and health professionals in general deal with in an artificially developed and called professional and vicarious, but that does not escape the experience of life that one has or will have at some point in one's life, since dying is the natural consequence of being alive, and therefore that it is important to know how to manage the grief over the death of a loved one, or at least to be able to count on the resources to go through those moments in the best possible way.

• Related article: "Grief: coping with the loss of a loved one"

Emotional pain

Losing a close loved one not only disrupts what you think about yourself and your life purpose, but which also compromises the stability of what has been built throughout an experience accompanying processes of duel. But

What happens when the loss expert does not accept your losses? What happens when pain rethinks your own way of facing an absence? What to do when the medicine does not comfort the same doctor who recommends it?

Of course, part of the treatment is to request the treatment itself. However, this will not prevent the very pain of loss; and in his own flesh, discover that neither, necessarily, prevents each of the stages of the duel, that each one of those dark thoughts and that each of those stages of anger against life appear and leave their mark on the happen.

• Related article: "Thanatology: the study of death"

What can be done in the need for comfort in this situation?

The most powerful tool that people have to repair, rebuild, reorganize and comfort us is the emotional and physical closeness of another human being. Confidence in contact, the privacy that intimacy provides and the certainty of being heard is the more effective medicine although not necessarily immediate to soften the ravages of what irremediable.

If ever, you have by your side someone who is related in some way to the pain of others professionally in a direct or indirect way, I can tell you that they need the same hug comforting and the same interested ear as any other human going through the experience of losing a loved one like any other person, with no direct relationship to the subject in any way professional.

If any occasion happens to you, remember that the experience of grief does not obey a standard or generalizable experience. The experience of grief over death is unique, incomparable and inevitable at some point in life, so leaning on a loved one and empathic will be the best remedy.

Coping with the grief of death

If you have the honor and the opportunity to accompany someone in this process directly, professionally or non-professionally, it is necessary to have openness so that the expression free of prejudices flows and the emotions fulfill their function of beginning to organize the interior cracked by the trauma. And, above all, take into account that common sense, respect for the uniqueness of the experience, as well as shared silence, although in everyday are rejected, in these cases, they are the syrup that facilitates the digestion of the most bitter of the experience of a loss by death.

Of course, thanatological or psychotherapeutic support is desired but not essential to overcome a loss by death. Go to the professional if possible, if not, seek the company of someone you trust to support you in the most difficult moments of grief. In case you do not find any consolation or your grief becomes more and more suffocating, you should go to a professional duly prepared to accompany you with respect, dignity and openness.

Alva Ramirez Villatoro, Psychologist.