The emotional impact of a breakup

Already before we were born and, until the moment we die, we spend a lifetime establishing and breaking ties with the people in our daily environment. However, some of these relationships are so intense that their fading has strong psychological repercussions. What is the emotional impact of the breakup?

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Establishing emotional ties

As gregarious beings that we are, people relate and interact with others to communicate what we we feel or what they transmit to us at a given moment, to make requests, to debate, to share activities, etc. In any case, some of the relationships we establish involve greater emotional intensity than others, as in the case of our parents, our closest friends, or our partner.

These types of ties are characterized by the fact that they provide (or we hope they do) a high degree of emotional security. In other words, there is a high level of trust in the other person, which means that we feel better able to share with him or her not only our strengths, but also our weaknesses. This is especially significant when we find a romantic partner, since this person is going to have the possibility of knowing ourselves in multiple facets of our lives, with the "pros" and "cons" of our way of to be. For this reason, Robert Sternberg spoke of three elements that he considered crucial for a couple to be able to speak of full love: intimacy, passion and commitment.

Intimacy refers to communication in the relationship, what is said, the management of conflicts, and activities that are shared, that is, the intention to spend quality time with the other person. Passion, on the other hand, refers to the most strictly sexual component, the physical contact that occurs in the couple due to the attraction that exists between both, and the search for this contact with the other as a moment of union not only physical, but also psychological.

Finally, the commitment it is a determining factor insofar as it is related to the will of both members to maintain the relationship over time. It is the joint life project, in which one is present for the other in any medium and long-term planning.

The wear and tear of the couple's relationship

We have mentioned which three elements are key to the optimal functioning of a relationship, but, to Often, we find that some (or several of them) are not being given in the proper way in a partner.

Communication that is absent or not very assertive, poor conflict management, little or no respect between the parties, lack of sexual activity, or a doubtful commitment to the relationship are some of the most frequent problems in couple relationships. In fact, there is often a “cascade effect” which means that when one element fails, it is highly likely that the others will be affected by it. For example, if communication has been inadequate for some time in the relationship, it is very likely that this affects the sexual sphere and, therefore, the intention of continuing as a couple in the medium or long term.

When difficulties appear in the relationship, the members of the couple or marriage can try to solve them with their own resources and strategies or, looking very surpassed, with the help of a couples psychologist who can guide them and offer guidelines to improve those aspects that are indicated as deficit. In those cases in which both members have a good disposition to collaborate with what the psychologist can propose, the therapy process is very fast and efficient.

However, there are situations in which the resources of the relationship are exhausted, the search for help is too one-sided (for only one of the parties) or it comes when the couple has been so engrossed in their problems that it has come to emotionally wear one or both of them members. In these cases, the most common is that the couple or marriage (or one of them) agrees or proposes a break / separation, so that each can go on with your life independently and individually overcome some of the difficulties experienced while they were United.

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The emotional impact of the breakup

In those situations where the existing bond has not been sufficient to resolve the relationship problems, the feeling of loss will lead to a process similar to grief, until the person reaches the acceptance of the break.

Feelings of frustration, helplessness and anger are very likely to appear when the situation has not been resolved, especially when a significant effort has been put into it. In addition, the break involves a modification of habits and routines since, most likely, there was a "habit" of functioning in relation to the other, so it was requires an adaptation to change that not only involves emotional aspects, but also thought and conduct.

In addition, when minors are involved, the separation or rupture extends the need to adapt to change also to them, which many times They are seen fluctuating weekly from one parent to another and, often, also "dragged" by the power games that can be set up.

How can we psychologists work with these cases?

Although it is not frequent, it is possible for an ex-partner to go to the psychologist for advice to better manage the separation from her, that is, to facilitate the process for both. With a prone attitude on the part of both, the intervention again becomes a much more agile process and with good results.

However, the ex-partner / ex-marriage is most likely to seek psychological help when minors are involved, due to the need for external guidelines that allow them to handle the situation in the least conflictive way possible. In these cases, it is essential that the psychologist explore that with the ex-partner how was her functioning in aspects of communication, interaction, coexistence and care of minors when they were together, and what is their goal to achieve being apart.

It is important to define with both what they intend to achieve with the therapy process, since they are going to work so that they are a team of caregivers, even if they are separated. Listening and empathy should be encouraged, facilitating a safe environment in which respect prevails towards both parties and the main goal of achieving an emotionally healthy environment for the minors. When we achieve this, we are guaranteeing a very favorable evolution in parenting styles, and a higher level of well-being for both adults and their children.