What is and what is not forgiveness

All of us, at some point, have hurt others, in small or large ways. We have also been hurt by people we love, by family, friends, partners and even by people we did not know. We have been directly or indirectly damaged by the hatred of armed groups, wars, by the ambition of government entities and, unfortunately, even by organizations that claim to protect the rights of the human. Why do we keep hurting each other? Why do we continue to believe that the answer to the evil of the world is with more hatred?

We still believe that the enemy is outside. But as Khyentsé Rinpoche says, “the time has come to deflect hatred from his usual targets, your supposed enemies, to direct it against himself. In reality, your true enemy is hatred and it is him that you must destroy ”. Forgiveness is the key.

Matthiew Ricard, in his book In Defense of Happiness, points out that we do not usually consider a criminal the victim of his own hatred, much less understand that the desire to revenge that may arise in us comes fundamentally from that same emotion that has led the aggressor to hurt us.

• Related article: "Empathy, much more than putting yourself in someone else's shoes"

Hate is limiting

Hate is the real poison, and if we are not aware of how anger is transformed into this feeling, we can end up in the position of the criminal, victim of his hatred. Imprisoned. Destroyed. Without peace. Playing an endless chain of pain.

Ricard mentions that this does not mean that we cannot feel a deep dislike and revulsion towards injustice, cruelty, oppression and harmful acts or fight so that they do not happen. We can do this without succumbing to hatred and revenge and rather motivated by deep compassion for both the suffering of the victims and the perpetrators.

Holding a grudge, blaming, holding on, and dwelling on wounds, undermines our happiness and has a considerable effect on our physical and psychological well-being. Studies have suggested that forgiveness is a more effective way to respond, reducing stress and promoting happiness. However, how we react to those wounds is up to us. Forgiving is a choice and a process. Pain and disappointments are inevitable, but they should not control our lives for this reason.

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What is forgiveness?

Dacher Keltner, a social psychologist and professor at the University of Berkeley, mentions that There are four components that help us scientifically define and measure forgiveness. The first is the acceptance that the transgression or damage that someone has done to us has occurred. The second is the decreased desire or urge to seek revenge or compensation. The third (and especially when it comes to minor conflicts or with close people and that can be resuming the relationship), is the desire to get closer, decrease in the distance or evasion of the other person. Finally, the fourth component involves a change in negative feelings towards the other person, such as the increased compassion and understanding of your own suffering, pain, ignorance or confusion that has led to hurt us.

Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness also allows us to set the limits that are necessary to protect ourselves from experiencing harm again from other people. Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist psychologist and teacher, defines forgiveness as the resolution not to allow the transgression to happen again, to protect yourself and others. Forgiving does not necessarily mean talking to or relating to the person who betrayed you. It is not about the other, nor is it about a duty. It is a way of ending one's own suffering.

Forgiveness can demand justice and say "No more." He mentions in turn that he is neither sentimental nor fast. For him, forgiveness is a deep heart process that can take a long time and can be difficult, both when it comes to forgiving others and ourselves. But it is a process that frees us and allows us to love.

In turn, forgiveness too involves grieving for the loss of things that didn't work out the way we wanted and to stop waiting for a better past, because it has already happened, it is already done and it cannot be changed. That grief and pain have great value, because as Kornfield says “sometimes the things that make us Vulnerable are those that open our hearts and lead us back to what matters most, to love and to the life".

What is not forgiveness?

Forgiving does not mean forgetting how others have hurt you, nor does it necessarily mean reconciling or relating to the person who hurt you. Neither approve his conduct or his offense, nor absolve him of his responsibility. Forgiving is also not weakness or a sign of submission. Instead, it takes courage, it means constantly stopping making someone responsible for your emotional well-being and change your attitude toward that original wound so that it doesn't continue to hurt you. It involves letting go of the burden you are carrying from that person who has hurt you.

Health and Relationship Benefits of Forgiving

Forgiveness tends to be positively associated with psychological well-being, physical health, and good interpersonal relationships. People who tend to forgive others score lower on measures of anxiety, depression, and hostility (Brown 2003; Thompson et al., 2005). Likewise, letting go of a grudge is associated with lower levels of stress and cardiovascular reactivity (blood pressure and heart rate) (Witvliet et al., 2001).

According to a review of the literature on forgiveness and health by Everett Worthington and his colleague Michael Scherer (2004), not forgiving can compromise the immune system. The review suggests that it can affect the production of important hormones and the way our cells fight infection and bacteria. At the same time, hostility is a central part of unforgiveness, and has been directly related to numerous health problems, having more damaging effects on the cardiovascular system (Kaplan, 1992; Williams and Williams, 1993).

Researchers at the University of Miami link forgiveness with increased satisfaction with life, more positive emotions, fewer negative emotions, and fewer symptoms of physical illness. They also found that people felt happier after forgiving someone with whom they reported having a close and committed relationship before. of the transgression and especially when the other person apologized and tried to repair the damage, suggesting that forgiveness increases our happiness because helps repair interpersonal relationships, which previous studies have shown are vital to our long-term happiness (Bono, et al., 2007). Similarly, other studies have found that people who tend to forgive report higher quality, satisfaction, and commitment in their relationships.

Of course, there are limits. The context in which forgiveness occurs is important. For example, in marriages, the frequency of transgressions by its members moderates the effects of forgiveness. If a husband or wife continues to forgive her partner for her frequent transgressions, not only does her satisfaction with the relationship decrease, she is her partner's mistreatment, transgressions, or unwanted behaviors are likely to continue and even get worse because there are no repercussions from her actions (McNulty, 2008).

Forgiving is not easy. It may seem almost impossible to forgive those who have hurt us in great ways. Even more unimaginable to come to feel compassion, understanding or empathy for people who have deeply hurt or offended us. It can even cost us in the face of small grievances. However, it is likely that we all know stories of people who have managed to do it and who have shown us the importance and beauty of forgiveness. Forgiveness, as well as other positive emotions like hope, compassion, and appreciation, is a natural expression of our humanity.

Author: Jessica Cortés

Bibliographic references:

• Brown, R.P. (2003). Measuring individual differences in the tendency to forgive: Construct validity and links with depression. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 759-771.
• Bono, G., McCullough M. E., & Root, L.M. (2007). Forgiveness, Feeling Connected to Others, and Well-Being: Two Longitudinal Studies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 20, 1-14.
• Kaplan, B.H. (1992). Social health and the forgiving heart: The Type B story. Journal of Behavior Medicine, 15, 3–14.
• Kornfield, J. (2010). The Wisdom of the Heart. A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology. Barcelona, ​​Spain: The March Hare.
• McNulty, J.K. (2008). Forgiveness in Marriage: Putting the Benefits into Context. Journal of Family Psychology. 22, 171-175.
• Ricard, M. (2005). In Defense of Happiness. Urano Editions: Barcelona.
• Thompson L. Y., Snyder, C. R., Hoffman, L., Michael, S. T., Rasmussen, H. N., Billings, L. S., et al. (2005). Dispositional forgiveness of self, others and situations. Journal of Personality, 73, 313-359.
• Witvliet, C.V.O., Ludwig, T.E., & Vander Laan, K.L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotions, physiology, and health. Psychological Science, 121, 117-123.
• Williams, R. and Williams, V. (1993). Anger Kills: Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility that Can Harm your Health. Harper Perennial, New York.
• Worthington, E.L., & Scherer, M. (2004): Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: theory, review, and hypotheses, Psychology & Health, 19: 3, 385-405.