Cultivate self-esteem: 3 keys to achieve it

I believe that all of us, at various moments in life, have felt the weight of the implicit and explicit beliefs of our society and culture, which are expanded and transmitted through different means of communication, advertising, and are reinforced at home, at work, in institutions and in day-to-day interactions. day. One of them is the idea that we are worth according to certain characteristics that we have, because of what we do and what we have.

When you think in this way, it is difficult to love yourself and appreciate yourself unconditionally and even more to face temporary defeats, losses and bad times. Our sense of worth becomes dependent on external factors and varies according to them, which affects our self-esteem. Cultivating a healthy self-esteem is a continuous job, which requires rethinking our beliefs, giving us love and allowing us to grow and which is worthwhile inasmuch as it is central to our physical and mental well-being.

• Related article: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

What is self esteem?

Glenn Schiraldi, author of several articles and books on mental and physical health, defines self-esteem as "a realistic and appreciative opinion of oneself." It is to value yourself accurately and honestly, to love yourself, to take care of yourself and to like yourself.

It is to have a healthy pride; respect yourself, feel worthy and grateful for one's achievements, talents, services or belonging to a family, ethnic group, etc. It is also having a healthy humility; Believe that all people are equally valuable, appreciate the successes and failures and recognize how much you still have to learn.

The author explains that healthy self-esteem it's different from self-destructive shame and self-defeating pride. In self-destructive shame or humility, people have a negative opinion of themselves, which is inaccurate and realistic. They believe that they are inferior to others, they experience feelings of shame and disgust. They tend to be submission and lack self-respect.

On the other hand, people with self-defeating pride believe that they are superior and more important than others. They try to impress others and experience an inordinate need and desire to be admired. They behave in an arrogant, conceited and narcissistic manner. These two extremes are rooted in insecurity and fear.

• You may be interested: "Low selfsteem? When you become your worst enemy"

How to cultivate self-esteem

Schiraldi describes three important foundations for building self-esteem; worth, unconditional love and growth, being essential to develop the first two secure bases, in order to focus on growth.

1. Unconditional value

This first foundation for building healthy self-esteem, invites us to recognize the unconditional and inherent worth of human beings. Something perhaps difficult for some people to assimilate, given the bombardment of information that associates a person's worth with their appearance, intelligence, popularity, etc.

Unconditional human worth is described by five axioms developed by Dr. Claudia A. Howard (1992):

• We all have infinite, internal, and unconditional worth as people.
• We all have the same value as people. You don't compete for value. Although one person may be better at sports, studies, or business, and another may be better at social skills, they both have the same value as human beings.
• External factors neither add nor detract from value. The external includes things like money, appearance, performance, achievements. This only increases our market or social value. Value as a person, however, is infinite and unalterable.
• The value is stable and is never in play (even if it is rejected by someone).
• Courage does not have to be earned or proven. It already exists. You just have to recognize it, accept it and appreciate it.

Letting go of the idea of ​​conditional worth

Schiraldi explains that "we are important and valuable as people because our spiritual and essential being is unique, precious, good, and of infinite, eternal and unalterable value."

It describes that, like a newborn baby, our inner selves are fundamentally good and whole, and full of potential. However, over time the inner Self surrounds itself with external elements (criticism, abuse, negative actions and thought patterns) that can hide u make it difficult to see and experience our value, while others (love, express our talents, help others) help us see and feel it more easily. These external factors change the way our worth is experienced, but not the value itself.

Understand that our value is unconditional frees us from that constant search for approval. There is no need to do things to prove yourself, you don't have to be like someone else to gain value. Likewise, we can better face adversity and life changes, since we understand that our worth does not come into play due to mistakes, rejections or bad situations and experiences. It is one thing to feel bad about events and behaviors and another to feel bad or ashamed of the inner self.

In the same way we begin to recognize the inherent value in others. It is not necessary to promote violence, separation and inequality due to differences in race, gender, religion, economic status, etc. Competition that passes over the other, envy or hatred is not justified if we can understand this simple truth that we are all worth the same as people.

2. Unconditional love

Schiraldi describes love as a feeling and an attitude in which we want the best for ourselves and others. It is a decision and commitment that is made every day and a skill that can be learned and cultivated through practice. Love does not define us, nor does it provide us with value, but it does help us to recognize, experience and appreciate it more easily. We all need to feel loved, respected, accepted, and valuable. If we have not received this love from others, it is important that we ourselves take the responsibility of giving it to ourselves unconditionally, since love heals and is the foundation for growth.

One way to cultivate love is by practicing self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a researcher and professor at the University of Texas, talks about three components that help us do this. Briefly described, the first is to be kind and understanding to ourselves, rather than critical, when we suffer, fail, or make mistakes. The next component involves acknowledging our common humanity. It is remembering that we are interconnected and that we all share experiences of imperfection, we make mistakes and have difficulties.

Finally, the third component is mindfulness. The willingness to clearly observe our internal experiences (thoughts, emotions) as they are in the present moment. Without exaggerating, ignoring or judging them, to be able to respond and face reality in a compassionate and effective way.

3. Increase

This component then focuses on develop physical, mental, social and emotional potential that exists in us and also to share it with others.

Shiraldi explains that growth is a continuous process that requires effort, help and that it is never completely finished, but that is satisfying because it arises from the sure foundations of worth, love, and a feeling of calm, rather than craving. If these foundations are absent, successes and accomplishments will rarely lead to healthy self-esteem.

Similarly, developing our capabilities does not increase or change our value, because we are born with it. Rather, as we grow we see our essential being more clearly, we are expressing our value, we change our perceptions of ourselves and experience who we are with more joy and satisfaction.

Growing is about choosing to act in integrity with our values, eliminate behaviors that are not good for us and enjoy the process without fear of failure and worrying excessively about the results. Each person has their way and goes at their own pace. Self-esteem, then, is a combination of self-acceptance (worth and love) and growth.

References:

• Neff, K. (2012). Be kind to yourself. The art of compassion towards oneself. Barcelona, ​​Spain: Oniro.
• Schiraldi, G.R. (2016). The Self-Esteem Workbook. Second Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.