Forcing children to kiss and hug: a bad idea

It is very common that one of the steps of acculturating the smallest of the house (that is, of making internalize the culture in which they live and deal with the people around them) go through a ritual: the one to give kisses to friends and relatives of his parents.

Thus, in casual encounters on the street or during the Christmas holidays, it often happens that many parents force their young children to greet, kiss or hug people that the latter find them unknown or intimidating. However, from a psychological (and even ethical) perspective this is not correct.

Respecting the living space of the little ones

Although we may not realize it, all of us have around us a vital space that accompanies us and that acts as an intermediate point between our body and everything else. In other words, these small invisible bubbles that surround us are almost an extension of us., in the sense that they offer us a safe space, something that belongs to us and that has a role in our well-being. This phenomenon is well documented and is studied by a discipline called proxemics.

Childhood may be one of the stages of life in which psychological functions are half done, But the truth is that from a very young age we understand what that living space means and we act in consequence. Not wanting to get closer than is due to people who do not produce trust at the moment is not a psychological deformation that should be corrected, is a cultural expression as valid as the one that makes adults not hug strangers.

Then... Why force them to give hugs or kisses?

That some fathers and mothers force their sons and daughters to say hello by hugging or kissing is not in itself part of an essential teaching to create young people with autonomy capacity: it is part of a ritual to remain well, in which the comfort and dignity of the child is secondary. A ritual that causes them discomfort and anxiety.

Nobody learns to socialize by being forced to do those things. In fact, it is possible that these kinds of experiences give more reasons to stay away from people who are not part of the immediate family circle. You learn to socialize by observing how others act and imitating them when and how you want, being yourself who is in control of the situation. This is called vicarious learning, and in this case it means that, over time, you end up seeing that everyone else greets strangers and that this does not pose a risk if the parents are present. Action comes later.

The best thing is to let them freedom

It is clear that in childhood parents and guardians must reserve the ability to have the last word in what they do the smallest, but that does not mean that they have to be forced to perform the most insignificant and lacking acts importance. The rules must be well justified so that they are in favor of the well-being of the child.

It is worthwhile to take into account the preferences of young children and, if they do not cause problems, let them make their own decisions freely. Make them enter the world of rigid adult social norms through force It is not a good solution, and doing so involves sending the message that the only valid behavioral choices are those dictated by parents.

After all, children are much more than unfinished adults: they are human beings with rights and whose dignity deserves to be taken into account. Not doing it during the early stages of someone's life sets a bad precedent.