Motherhood psychology
In the month of May, the world day of maternal mental health is celebrated. A day to raise awareness about mothers' mental health problems, with the aim that more women seek help, receive adequate treatment and suffer less.
The celebration of this day is quite unknown, but I find it very interesting not so much for the idea of claiming assistance, but for showing that the process that goes from wanting a child until a child enters the world and a couple becomes parents, is not idyllic. It is an experience that, in addition to expectation and illusion, can lead to uncertainty, unforeseen events, traumatic events, anguish, ambivalent feelings ...
- Related article: "What are the changes in the brain during motherhood?"
The psychological dimension of motherhood
From the previous wishes to conceive a child to the first moments of parenting, there are a wide variety of situations that comprise this period:
- A woman who does not know if she wants to be a mother.
- A woman who wants to be a mother but is afraid.
- A woman who wants to be a single mother.
- A woman who wants to be a mother and cannot.
- Two women who want to be mothers.
- Two men who want to be fathers.
- An unforeseen pregnancy.
- An interrupted pregnancy.
- A complicated pregnancy.
- A new mother who doesn't know what to do with her baby.
- A mother or parents with mixed feelings.
- A couple that is destabilized by the arrival of a child, be it the first, the second, or whatever number.
It is clear that I have left many situations behind, and there is someone who does not identify with any of the ones I have listed. It would be impossible to list them all, because as many reasons for consultation as people can be given. But... Why would someone who is trying to get pregnant, or is pregnant, or is a new mother, have to consult a professional?
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Psychological well-being in the process of being a mother
Everything can go smoothly, or rather smoothly, but the person may be rarefied, or his vital difficulties are accentuated at that time, or that doubts and fears overwhelm him, to the point of producing suffering that makes him Consult.
It can also happen that events develop with incidents and that overwhelms you, and that is the cause that leads you to consult. The only thing common in all situations is discomfort, suffering, and that is already a reason for consultation.
Searching for a pregnancy, assisted reproductive treatments, conception, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, puerperium, gestational or perinatal grief, we are talking about a moment of transformation, the woman changes, the partner changes, changes the family.
This implies a rearrangement that sometimes becomes complicated. And not only is it necessary to seek a new comfort - a reconfiguration of one's life - but also It is a very fertile moment for fears, ideals, identifications to appear, that make these moments live with more shadows than lights.
You have to be able to accommodate the desire to be parents. You have to go through the uncertainty of conception. The pregnancy experience. And you have to be able to meet the son, because sometimes it is a pure disagreement. And prevention is complicated, because a priori we do not know what subjective aspects are going to be activated in the journey of motherhood. In addition, you have to take separately what happens to the mother, and what happens to the father.
Those who come to consult sometimes do so for a specific issue (doubts about whether to be a mother or not, anxiety during pregnancy, the loss of a baby, postpartum depression ...) or you do it because of a discomfort that you cannot locate. And what can be observed in many cases is that in addition to this discomfort due to the circumstances, other complexities of his character appear overlapping.
What does this specific help consist of?
There are different possibilities to be accompanied at this time. Be accompanied by analytical listening, in addition to being aware of the circumstances and cushioning the anguish, and being able to go through the situation with the maximum serenity possible, it is also a bet to investigate the relationship, strange relationship, that one has with oneself same. And in this way resources will appear that we did not suspect we had, and tendencies and repetitions that directed our life as if it were a destiny will be revealed.
It is an active listening that It allows the person to appease from being able to find some meaning, being able to put feelings into words that they were only felt and no exact words were found to name them, and also to be able to make room for what has no explanation.
Psychoanalytic treatment is indicated to identify what is happening, to be able to make decisions, to stop or to continue, but surely to be able to move on with life. It is very ineffective to console oneself with popular sayings or phrases, such as "that happens to a lot of people", or "you can't be wrong if you've just had a baby", or that a loss is spent having another child.
One cannot lose sight of what a woman who becomes a mother can experience, it can hinder the relationship with your partner, with the newborn child or with others who had. Bearing this in mind is very important when locating where the problem is.
Pregnancy and the birth of a child is a rich time in which many changes take place: physical changes, changes of position (from woman to mother, from being the daughter of her mother to being the mother of her baby). It can also be a time when unresolved conflicts are reactivated (like the relationship between the woman and her parents, especially with her mother). Or if there is the loss of a baby, a disabling grief may be linked to a previous unresolved grief. It is also a time where everything related to femininity can waver.
And it is not only that behind a manifest demand there may be another complexity that appears underhanded. In addition, psychoanalysis opens a space to be able to recognize and tolerate normal feelings of frustration, overwhelm, ambivalence, self-demands and idealizations, which often happen to us unnoticed.
I leave you a brief illustration of two simple cases.
Lucia went to therapy after the birth of her second child. The pregnancy, the delivery and the first moments had gone well, and she was happy about it. But there was something that did not allow him to enjoy that they were now a family of four. It took several sessions to be able to clarify that she was identified with her mother - that she too had had two children - and that she was living things as her family of origin would and not as she would herself.
Sandra came to therapy because she was looking for a child and could not achieve a pregnancy, and she began to consider assisted reproduction treatments. From the beginning, Sandra's extreme dependence on her mother became evident, and as the sessions it was revealed that the desire to be a mother was a wish of her own mother that she longed to have a grandchild. Sandra decided to stop with everything and take time.