The 7 differences between love and emotional dependence

Love and dependency are not synonymous, far from it. The world of emotions and human relationships may be confusing and difficult to investigate, but it is It is true that these two elements present many differences that allow discriminating between the one and the other. And thank goodness, because the consequences of confusing them can be very negative.

Unfortunately, myths about affection and relationships mean that not everyone is clear the differences between emotional dependence and love. Often times, simply believing in a stereotype about what the perfect love relationship should look like makes that we remain as pigeonholed as the concepts we use to think about affection and emotional ties.

• Related article: "Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

Distinguish between dependency and love

Loving and depending are not, nor can they be, the same. That is why there are numerous differences between love and emotional dependence. Here you can find the main ones.

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1. Contact search vs. Avoidance of loneliness

In emotional dependence, everything that the relationship brings us is posed in a negative sense, while with love the opposite occurs. That means that in the first case the contact with the other person is a tool to make discomfort disappears, while in love the company and the presence of the other is something that produces wellness.

In other words, in love being with someone brings a positive value, while in the case of dependency emotional this is seen as a resource to avoid the lack of someone, and therefore the elimination of something is sought negative.

2. Live the experience vs. Have tools

Virtually everything good that a love relationship brings us has to do with the subjective value of the experience of being with someone. That is, we cannot explain in words what aspects of our life are improved with the presence of someone we love.

However, the opposite is the case with dependency. Here when we think of the relationship we tend to identify very specific aspects of our life in which the presence of the other is noticed. For example, the possibility of accessing a group of friends, the fact of not having to return to live in the parents' house, etc. In some way, the relationship is seen as a sum of these options to improve our life, it is not something that goes much beyond this union of advantages.

3. Option to trade vs. Blind faith in the relationship

In love, it is clear that, although to maintain a stable relationship you have to make certain sacrifices, these must be reasonable and it is perfectly legitimate to question its limits.

The difference that this aspect makes with respect to dependency is that in this second limits are not even questioned out of fear. Here, the relationship is not seen as something dynamic that can be adapted to the needs of both, but rather it is perceived as a series of rigid norms in which it is necessary to fit. This makes the dependency grow more, since the possibility of damaging the relationship with any small detail causes it to be constantly paid attention.

4. Attention to well-being vs. Attention to obsessions

In love, what matters is the well-being of the people involved, and the relationship is only the means through which the fit takes place between people who enjoy mutual contact.

In the case of dependency, however, attention is directed to the idea of ​​the relationship itself, which is almost always composed of stereotypes and rituals that must be repeated over and over again. That is, the relationship is used as a way to give a predictable and stable structure to the day to day.

• Related article: "5 stages that love couples go through when they finish"

5. Loving that person vs. Wanting what that person offers us

In love, the target of all the positive emotions that we experience in the relationship is always the person for whom we feel that strong emotional bond.

On the other hand, in situations of dependency, what is valued is all those changes that the possibility of relating to that person has introduced into our lives.

6. Flexibility vs. Fixed hours

In love, the freedom of each person involved is something that is taken for granted. That means that, by default, it is assumed that everyone can do what they want, and the exceptions have to be provided and have a justification.

In the dependency, what is taken for granted is a certain routine, with which any transgression of these customs produces discomfort.

That is why one of the main differences between love and dependency is that the latter can be metaphorically compared to an addiction, since it consumes much of the time and the greatest emotional impact it causes is the discomfort generated by leaving the Schedule.

7. Enhancement of low self-esteem

Love doesn't have to make our self-esteem improve, but dependency does make it worse. The reason is that, with a constant feeling of vulnerability, concerns oriented to events that do not depend on oneself (such as the fact that the other person is a few minutes late coming home) fuel the idea that there is nothing you can do to avoid the discomfort.

• Related article: 12 tips to overcome emotional dependence