The divorce of the parents, how does it affect the children?

When couples take the decision to separate or divorce, they face a grieving process that in most cases generates emotional pain and brings with it physical and emotional discomfort.

There are divorces that are done with much more calm, understanding and ease than others; That depends on the type of relationship that was maintained, the years of coexistence, in addition to the emotional and social resources.

What happens to children when a marriage breaks down?

Nevertheless, the purpose of this article is to focus on the figure of children. On many occasions, parents, due to their own pain, avoid paying attention to the suffering of their children, and we must remember that They are helpless and vulnerable to the decisions of adults and, above all, the last thing they want is to get away from their parents.

All children suffer with the divorce of their parents, some to a greater extent than others. This depends on the age, personality, relationship with the parents, relationship dynamics and circumstances of the divorce. Typical reactions are usually: sadness, anger, worry,

anxietySometimes they can express it verbally, at other times they express it through changes in their behavior.

Coping with a separation successfully

This article aims to help parents of children between five and ten years old who have a healthy relationship with their parents, but must face the divorce of their parents. In such a way that they manage to grow and develop as receptive, stable and flexible adults, without divorce having supposed an insurmountable obstacle in the construction of their personality and their social skills and emotional..

Children, between the ages of five and ten, tend to understand more easily the concept of "divorce". They assume that they will not be able to see their mother or father so often, that they will change houses, sometimes schools, neighborhoods, and that certain types of activities will be different in the future. However, the pain that a child experiences due to the absence of his parent when the relationship has been stable and healthy is always present; no matter how much we try to explain with many reasons, they miss and want to have the coexistence of a united home.

1. Avoid making children feel guilty about the separation

It is important to mention that many children feel guilty about separation from their parents, no matter how much it is explained to them that they have no responsibility in the decision. They tend to blame each other for a long time and even change their behavior, believing that this way they can avoid separation or get their parents back together.

The most important point and from which the later ones are derived is to understand, accept and act knowing that the separation centers on the relationship of the parents; they are the ones who have decided not to continue their lives together. But children at no time, starting from a healthy relationship, have to get away from their parents. For them, both parents remain essential figures in their lives and, therefore, the changes should not affect the child's perception of their parent after the divorce.

2. Avoid badmouthing the other parent

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for parents to make this differentiation and, consciously or unconsciously, due to the same pain or stress of separation, they hurt the child's perception of her parent. In extreme cases, this can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (SAP).

Some stories mentioned by the children in consultation tend to refer to the speeches of their parents, which easily show the pain towards the spouse due to the separation. However, this should not affect the child. The child is vulnerable and can absorb the negative feelings of the "disappointed mom or dad." That is why adults should focus their pain very well and not place their children in the middle of the "crossfire" what separations sometimes become.

Here are some other tips that can help adults handle divorce from a more assertive perspective and ensuring that the experience is as bearable as possible for the minors involved.

3. Love and trust when conveying the news of the divorce

Parents should focus their efforts on giving him their love and trust, promoting an environment of tranquility and respect. They should allow fluid communication and allow the child to express her thoughts and feelings, including what is not to her liking.

It is important to offer our unconditional support and, above all, to be sincere. We must answer all the questions that the child expresses regarding the new changesBut there is no need to go into detail about marital conflicts.

As parents, we must be confident with the decision, looking for support networks: family, friends, co-workers who are trustworthy and close to face the situation. Children can never be the "tear cloth" of parents.

4. How to communicate separation

It is vital that both parents are present and both parents are present at the time of giving the news to the children. The role as parents is maintained and this is a very distressing moment for the child, therefore, the presence of both will offer you more security.

We must explain in a concrete, simple and sincere way the decision we have made. A clear and age-appropriate message must be conveyed. According to the way your child is, we must reflect on what is the fundamental idea that must be made clear.

Let's always pay attention to body language, both ours and the little one, since at that moment the children are listening carefully to what we transmit to them and not only with words. So let's be sure to use looks, gestures, and hugs that play up the conversation.

5. Attend and report on all matters that may be necessary

We must provide the necessary information so that the child understands the changes that will occur in the future. It is very common for parents to meet extremely stressed, since they must resolve a series of economic, family and legal situations derived from the same divorce, and they tend to downplay aspects that are vital to children.

These important issues for children can be the following: if he will stop seeing his friends, if he will change schools, if he will be able to play with the neighbors, If he can keep his pet, well, the child's concerns must also be addressed, since they mostly depend on the decisions of his fathers. Therefore, Before sharing the decision, try to respond to this type of needs of the little ones..

6. Space, time and tenderness for the child to assimilate the news

We offer space for the child to process the information. Children process information in different ways, depending on different variables. The most important thing to remember is that they require time to assimilate (the estimated time can be two to six months in the case of divorce of the parents).

It is not a good idea for the child to understand the typical phrase: "this is the best decision", because at that moment the little one feels that his parents thought only of themselves as adultsSince he does not want to be left without his father or mother, that is why it is necessary for us to communicate to him that he has every right to be upset, disappointed, sad or worried. We may even let you know that we are sorry to put you through this, and that we are fully supportive at this time.

Like any grieving process, the child needs to place the blame on someone, either on himself or on the parents. It is part of the assimilation process. That is why it is important to listen to him when he wants to talk about it, as a way to vent, and pay attention to his changes in mood and behaviors: diet, sleep, conversation topics, fatigue, socialization, affectivity, tastes, among others.

Sometimes children, consciously or unconsciously, They seek to try to please their parents or promote spaces that avoid separation. We must be attentive to this type of behavior and, if necessary, point out that it is not a good idea. Likewise, we must be aware that he does not want to place himself in the "position of the strong", because sometimes they believe that some of his parents need him and it is his duty to help them, as mentioned at the beginning, no child should assume that role.

7. After separation: communication, space and affection

Let's try to maintain the same routine and rearrange those spaces that evoke the absence of the person, such as the space at the table, the armchair in the television room or personal belongings, in such a way that they are used in another way.

We must incorporate new activities that are to the liking of everyone: walks, visiting relatives, inviting companions to the house; that benefit both the child and us as parents. Let the child know that we are happy to know that he is happy, because young children often feel guilty about feeling happy.

We must promote spaces to feel close to their father or mother. Let us always offer your support and let him know our desire to allow him to enjoy his mom or dad even if he sees it less now.. Let him call you on the phone, write messages for you, draw a picture for you, visit you at work, and so on. Likewise, we agree to allow the other person to participate in the child's school activities. The well-being of the child must be prioritized over possible quarrels between parents.

8. Coping with the absence of a parent

The reasons why adults get divorced and the feelings that come with it, in most cases occasions are not valid enough for children to understand the absence of any of the parents. Namely, for them that person is extremely important and loved in their lives, above the mistakes that they made in their role as a partner.

Consequently, we should try to keep the details and details of the separation as far from the child as possible, as well such as negative feelings that one of the spouses, or both, have against the other: anger, anger, disappointment, resentments, etc. Of course, it is necessary to avoid involving the children in behaviors such as insults, recrimination, revenge, reproaches and victimization.

9. Seek our psychological support and do not hold the child responsible for it

Separation and divorce processes may require support from family, friends and even professionalsBut remember that your child should not take on this task. As adults, we must seek our own help if we consider it necessary, unquestionably it is a moment that can be painful, and for this reason we must ensure the quality of life of the child, accommodating him and helping him to face the new reality.