Need for approval: what is it and how can it become a problem?

Feeling approved and accepted by others is a human need, totally natural and necessary for our survival. Making others validate our self-esteem grows, in addition to our well-being since we feel safe and protected.

The need for approval is completely natural and adaptive in the human speciesas long as it's healthy. Sacrificing what you are like to make sure you fit in with a group or the rest of society is not healthy, since you are not being approved for who you are, but for what you pretend to be.

The line between the need for healthy and pathological approval, this is dependency, can be fine and it is this question that we are going to see next.

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What is the need for approval?

As much as it may be hard for us to admit it, we all seek the approval of others. It is natural, since the need for validation is as human and inherent in our nature as is the need to eat or breathe. It has a very important adaptive function, which is to get other people to accept us in their respective groups in order to obtain their protection and help in the face of a threat or unfavorable situation

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Many people become obsessed with trying to be liked by others, so much so that they even sacrifice their way of being. In order to try to fit into a certain group, they behave in a way that is completely different from what they really are, even to fear that others know how they really are. This makes their lives totally controlled by how others see them, feeling very unhappy when they see someone criticize them or they can't like everyone the world.

Human beings want to please and be flattered, but it is one thing to feel valued and quite another is to depend extremely on others to accept us in order to feel good. The need for approval it can become a real mental health problem if it becomes extreme dependence, especially if the person changes their way of being and the appearance of it to satisfy some people who do not have to offer them real help.

Approval and childhood

Since we are born we have the need for others to validate and approve us. This is perfectly adaptive, since if we look at it from an evolutionary perspective it happens that We seek that others accept us, admit us in their respective groups and, thus, receive their protection and safety. The nature of the human being is social and, as social animals that we are, we need others to survive.

The search for approval can already be seen in childhood and in our childhood we need validation from both adults and other children. By interacting with them, we not only achieve protection and security, but we also manage to find ourselves in an environment conducive to learning and emotional well-being. Feeling loved and valued by others we are more likely to imitate their behavior, and the love and affection we receive from them fill us emotionally.

However, in the case of marginalized children it happens that their need for approval is not satisfied. This can have multiple consequences on a psychological level, among which the first and most visible is a great lack of self-esteem which, after all, has an important social component: if others do not value us, we can hardly value ourselves themselves.

Another case is that of children who are taken into account but in a negative way. If we are told all the bad things we do, highlighting our flaws and weaknesses, it is clear that our self-esteem will be greatly reduced. Receiving negative comments from both colleagues and relatives increases the need for approval. When he grows up, this child will desperately seek approval that he did not receive and, at the very least that someone show a little affection, you will try to bond intensely with that person in a very pathological way and dependent.

The need for pathological approval: emotional dependence

There can be several situations that have made a person have a great need for approval, that is, they have a great dependence for others to show validation. As we have just seen, this need has an important role in childhood and it is in that period that, if there is a problem, it turns the need for healthy approval into pathological dependence.

There are several aspects that warn us that someone depends a lot on the approval of others. People with approval dependency never disagree or differ in opinion. They confuse being nice and pleasing others with saying yes to everything that the person they are trying to please likes or says they want to do. That is, they think that if they say "no" or show a different opinion, they are going to anger the person in whom they are trying to get their approval and they are very afraid of this situation.

People dependent on the approval of others have an emotional state that varies greatly according to the opinion of others. If they are flattered or congratulated, even if it is a very simple comment and that is not so bad, they feel euphoric and happy as soon as they listen to them. On the other hand, if they are told a criticism, however small, constructive and peaceful it may be, they feel very sad and of little value. Whether it is good or bad, the received comment is exaggerated to non-adaptive levels.

They are usually very concerned about their appearance, since they care a lot about what others think and, of course, the image is included among the issues for which they want to be accepted. It is not pathological to dress up a bit or follow the fashions, but it is pathological if it becomes a necessity. These people are unable to go out on the street without completely grooming themselves, hiding their "flaws", combing their hair. at the last cry and wearing the fashion that you feel is the most appropriate to fit in with the people you love like.

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Can the need for pathological approval be eliminated?

It is possible to eliminate the need for pathological approval, but we must understand that this will only be possible with the guidance of a psychologist and a lot of work. Likewise, there are several tips and recommendations that we can take into account if we want to make this need for approval not completely control our lives.

1. Only we know each other thoroughly

There will be people who take a fault of ours and judge us totally on the basis of it, but these people are not in possession of the truth. We ourselves know ourselves best and we know (or we should know ourselves) what our strengths and weaknesses are.

The important thing is that we accept ourselves as we are and know where to improve. This does not mean that we should only seek approval from ourselves, since as social animals we need to interact with others. others to have emotional well-being, however we will not be able to establish healthy relationships with other people without first accepting and knowing ourselves themselves.

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2. We can't like everyone

People are very diverse and we can see virtues where others see defects. There will always be people who criticize and disapprove of us, but there will also be people who support and accept us. It is in this second type of people that we have to approach, since it is they who They will provide us with emotional well-being, accepting us as we are, with our strengths and weaknesses.

3. Criticism is not synonymous with rejection

We all want to receive compliments and compliments, but this is not always the case. Sometimes we will receive disapproval and criticism, but these are not necessarily a bad thing nor are they signs of rejection. It is true that there are those who make these comments abruptly, but others do so in a polite and constructive way, on many occasions thinking of the best for us, making comments so that we learn to be better people.

That comment may provoke negative emotions in us, but that is not necessarily bad or a personal attack. We must try to react calmly to criticism, be patient and learn not to feel attacked, in addition to learning to control our emotions. Criticisms, well done, serve to learn.

4. Let's be a little selfish

Yes, it sounds pretty bad as stated, but being a little selfish is fine if it is to give us sanity. When we do something, before making a decision, we should ask ourselves, who are we doing it for? To what extent does the opinion of others influence what we are doing? Will doing it make us happier? The answers we have to these questions will make us see to what extent our lives depend on what we want others to accept us or if we think of ourselves.

5. Let us be ourselves

Finally, there is the fundamental piece of advice for all people who are desperate to find the approval of others: be yourself. Each one has its pros and cons, and this makes us equal to each other. In some things we will be good and in others bad, but that's life. There will be things that can be improved, but others not and it is with these second ones that we must pretend.

As curious as it sounds, while the people most eager to find external approval do not find it, those who do not seek it do find it. Being yourself will make some people not accept us as we are, but it will bring us closer to those who do. value, people who will only criticize us when we do something wrong or see that there is something that can to get better. Be that as it may, stop worrying about outside opinion and try to achieve unattainable goals will bring us closer to emotional and psychological well-being.

Bibliographic references:

• Alonso, L.E. (1993) The Social Production of Necessity, Economists Magazine, no. 28.
• Castello, B.J. (2005) Emotional dependency: Characteristics and treatment, Alianza Editorial.
• Smith M.J. (2010) When I say NO, I feel guilty, Editorial DEBOLSILLO.
• Aumann, J., Lanzguerro, S., Velasco, P. and Domínguez, A. (2017). Need for social approval and resources for development in Mexican adolescents. Teaching and Research in Psychology, 22 (2), 204-211.
• Franco, C. and De León, V. (2015). Increase self-esteem. Logos High School Science Bulletin, 3 (2).
• Kelly, R.A. (2010). Social skills training: practical guide for interventions. Bilbao: Desclée de Brouwer.