Ambivalent attachment: what is it and how to detect it?

Human beings are social animals that need the acceptance and care of others. To have a good emotional balance, it is necessary to have relationships with other people based on respect and mutual understanding.

One of the key aspects when it comes to understanding how a person relates to others is the attachment that he established in his childhood with her caregivers.

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The attachment style affects both childhood and adulthood of the person, causing the individual to relate to others in a similar way to how he did with his own parents.

In this article we are going to talk about ambivalent attachment, in which the person, due to a certain neglect on the part of her parents, behaves in an insecure and extremely suspicious way when interacting with other people.

Ambivalent attachment, what is it?

Ambivalent attachment, also called anxious or resistant, is one of the four relational styles observed by Mary ainsworth Y John bowlby in her research on interactions between babies and her caregivers.

These researchers observed that about 10% of observed children showed distressing behaviors when their mothers were away from them And when they did not leave the room, these babies remained on the alert.

In ambivalent attachment there is a strong insecurity and fear of being abandoned. Children behave in a very suspicious way in the presence of strangers, they cry and are upset if their parents are not there, but when they return, they are not consoled and even rejected.

The cause of this behavior is in how parents take care of their children. In ambivalent attachment there is an intermittent caregiver-infant interaction, that is, the parent or responsible for the baby is only emotionally aware of him half the time, or even very little occasions.

On some occasions, the caregiver is calm and attentive to the child, giving the correct attention to the baby and satisfactorily acknowledging her needs. However, in others, the opposite is the case, that is, the caregiver is not available to the infant, making the child see the adult's behavior as something unpredictable. Since the baby needs the care of her caregiver to survive, he will do everything possible to ensure that the adult is aware of him.

Normally, in these types of situations, the baby does not receive an immediate response from her caregiver when she tries to attract attention. Thus, the infant learns that in order to be listened to, she must insist again and again, even to the point of exhaustion.

Over time, children grow into very emotionally dependent adults. They need the attention of others to feel good, they are afraid to explore new things on their own and they tend to exaggerate their needs.

What is attachment theory?

Before going into more depth about the characteristics of ambivalent attachment, it is necessary to talk about the attachment theory. Attachment is understood to be the bond that exists between a baby and a caregiver, be it one of her parents or a legal guardian.

This bond is of great importance since the baby, who is still very dependent, needs adult care in order to survive. This relationship can and should become very intimate throughout the person's life.

Ainsworth discovered, from his research with mothers and her children, four types of attachment:

• insurance
• anxious-avoidant
• insecure-ambivalent
• disorganized

A good attachment involves a multitude of positive emotions and provides security and protection. The caregiver is a refuge for the infant, as well as a source of resources and knowledge. In addition, the caregiver is a secure base through which the infant can satisfy her curiosity about the outside world without fear of it.

In the interaction between baby and caregiver there can be two types of behaviors. On the one hand, the search for closeness to the caregiver, with the intention of calming her emotional discomfort or basic needs.

On the other, explore the outside world and develop emotionally and cognitively. The quality of the attachment will depend on how the caregiver knows how to see these behaviors in their baby.

Characteristics of ambivalent attachment

In ambivalent attachment, a series of characteristics can be observed that are manifested in the infant or adult whose childhood was marked by this type of baby-caregiver interaction.

1. Lack of selfesteem

All babies need their parents to care for and protect them. However, in the case of infants who have developed ambivalent attachment, it happens that their parents have not been able to adequately meet the needs of the child.

Based on this, children who have experienced this type of relationship with their parents develop the belief that others will not pay enough attention to them.

In addition, they believe that to be well they constantly need the company and dedication of others.

Due to this, both in childhood and into adulthood, people who have developed this type of attachment base their self-esteem in the way others treat them.

As this self-esteem is low and they seek the dedication of others, these people can reach allowing certain behaviors that involve both physical and verbal abuse, believing that they are not deserved nothing more.

2. Emotional instability

On many occasions, people with this type of attachment hold others responsible for their own problems and negative emotions.

They also have a low degree of emotional control, being easily irascible and changeable.

On many occasions, these people consider that the problem is not theirs, but that of others who do not know how to behave appropriately.

3. Toxic relationships

In all attachment styles there is a tendency to replicate the relationship that was had with the parents, only this time with the children, partner or friends.

In the ambivalent attachment style, there is an insecure caregiver-baby relationship, in which sometimes enough time is spent with the infant and sometimes not.

Thus, people who have developed this type of attachment tend to have relationships in which they are emotionally available on an occasional basis.

Jealousy, emotional discomfort, distrust and insecurity are frequent. Also, in romantic relationships, it is feared that the couple will end up abandoning him, always having the belief that he can find someone better than him.

4. Ambivalence towards other people

Ambivalent children acquire strategies to achieve being the center of attention of their parents, especially fearing that they may abandon them.

However, once they have managed to make time for them, they are resentful and angry at their caretakers.

So this type of children cry inconsolably in the absence of their parents but, when they have returned and try contact them, the little ones are distant, trying to keep their distance but just enough not to feel abandoned.

This inconsistent way of behaving will prevail throughout the person's life, showing a behavior of 'neither with you nor without you'.

5. Handling

To avoid that loved ones end up abandoning you, or believing that at some point they will stop paying enough attention to them, people who have developed ambivalent attachment often resort to emotional manipulation.

As children, they do their best to stay attached to their caregivers when they see that they have to leave or that they are going to be away from them for some time, no matter how brief.

In adulthood, people with this type of relational style will do everything possible to ensure that their partner spend as much time as possible, sometimes trying to isolate your partner from your group of friends and family.

There are also frequent comments in which the other is made to feel bad, making him see that, if he makes any kind of threat to momentarily move away from him, he should feel guilty.

On the other hand, people with ambivalent attachment will try to do everything possible to satisfy their partner, forgetting about their own needs. However, this will change when the other shows the slightest attempt to get their own space, arriving at the time of reproach and jealousy.

There are extreme and clearly abusive cases in which these people get into the life of their partner such as, for example, looking at their mobile and seeing who they have spoken to, reading their letters, looking in their diaries, searching their handbag…

Can this type of attachment be treated?

Research addressing attachment styles has concluded that it is quite difficult to modify how attachment styles are relates the person with others, given the great depth that the caregiver-baby bond acquires, reverberating throughout the entire lifetime.

But this does not mean that, if the person takes their side and seeks the appropriate professional help, they cannot change the way they interact with others.

Through psychological treatment it is possible for the person to achieve a more secure and emotionally stable relational style over time. Also, the person must be aware of what her real needs are and to what extent these can be influenced or not by the action of others.

In therapy the person with ambivalent attachment learns that she does not need to turn to other people to be well, that you can calm your anxiety by reflecting on how you are in that moment. They are also made to understand that the fact that a person is not physically with them does not mean that they will not return, nor does it mean that they will abandon them for someone 'better'.

You will learn that you can be emotionally supported without having the person in the same room.

The adults with this attachment were children who did not explore the world around them, since they did not feel safe enough to do so. In therapy they learn that they should not be afraid and that they can satisfy their curiosity without having to have the safety or company of other people at all times.

With enough work, people who developed ambivalent attachment can progress personally, developing what has been called an acquired secure attachment, which is synonymous with healthy romantic relationships, emotional well-being and a considerable increase in self-esteem.

Bibliographic references:

• Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41, 49-67.
• Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1973). The development of infant-mother attachment. In B. Cardwell & H. Ricciuti (Eds.), Review of child development research (Vol. 3, pp. 1-94) Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
• Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1991). Attachments and other affectional bonds across the life cycle. In C. M. Parkes, J. Stevenson-Hinde, & P. Marris (Eds.), Attachment across the life cycle (pp. 33-51). London: Routledge.
• Prior, V., & Glaser, D. (2006). Understanding attachment and attachment disorders: Theory, evidence and practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
• Schaffer, H. R., & Emerson, P. AND. (1964). The development of social attachments in infancy. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 1-77.