Emotional infidelity: what it is, and signs to detect it

Just as no one is the same, couples are also very different in terms of habits and agreements. While there are relationships in which its members are allowed to go out with other people, in others it is seen as the most serious violation of their idea of ​​a relationship.

Infidelity occurs when one of the two members does not respect the agreements that were supposed to be accepted when they decided to go out together. This infidelity does not have to occur only in a sexual way but it can also be considered treason to contact affectively with other people, that is, commit emotional infidelity.

Below we will try to understand and expose the idea of ​​emotional infidelity, why it is more difficult to detect than sexual infidelity and some ways to recognize and overcome it.

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Emotional infidelity: emotional betrayal

Emotional infidelity, apart from sexual infidelity, is considered another form of infidelity in the couple and that may be the cause of their breakup. This occurs when

a member of the couple cheats on the other person affectively without there having been a physical or sexual approach but in which intimate emotions have been shared with a third person.

Each couple establishes their own rules and limits regarding how to relate to other people, something which is totally normal as long as coercion techniques such as abuse and handling. There are couples in which it is allowed to have sex with other people, as is the case with relationships open, while in others this is seen as infidelity, since it has been agreed that there would be exclusivity sexual. This is equally applicable to the emotional sphere.

Infidelity, both sexual and emotional, is usually one of the main reasons for disappointment and breakdown of relationships. Although we normally understand by "infidelity" to put sexual horns, many people see it as an authentic treason when your partner is very intimate with other people, especially if they are of sex wanted.

It may be jealousy, which is pathological, but sometimes suspicions are confirmed and the unfaithful is seeking the company of someone who emotionally fulfills her more than her own partner.

Although there are many people who consider that interacting with other people on a more emotional level is not It is infidelity of any kind, the truth is that the other party can feel humiliated and lives it with a lot pain.

There are even those who see sexual infidelity as something less serious and important than emotional infidelity, and there are even Relationships in which one of the lovers is tolerated as prostitutes as long as he does not abandon her partner in the emotional.

What is considered emotional infidelity?

The idea of ​​emotional infidelity in itself is simple, understood as the situation that occurs when one of the two members of the couple establishes a relationship of intimacy and exchange of feelings and emotions with another person that go beyond a friendship. The complex part of the situation is the way in which this is interpreted as having happened and whether or not the couple's agreements have been broken that they had agreed upon starting the relationship.

In most couples it is widely assumed that being in a relationship of this type cannot be sexually intimate with other people and, if so, a sexual infidelity has been committed. However, it is not clear to what extent having a friendship of the preferred sex or interacting with other people implies betraying the partner, which means that in case the faithful person interprets that they have betrayed them, it generates a lot of confusion in the unfaithful person, who may well not see the trouble.

Unless there is an explicit agreement on what kind of affective relationships you can have with other people, emotional infidelity will be something to interpret when it has already happened. The person who has committed the betrayal will try to relativize the problem, saying that she has only been talking, that she wanted to know the opinion of a friend, that there has not been any kind of touching, kissing or sex with which there is no infidelity... and other arguments that really neither defend it nor serve to expose it since it may also happen that it is the faithful person who is exaggerating the situation.

The only situation in which we have complete certainty in which emotional infidelity has occurred is if the infidel falls in love with his friendship and he shows it to her, telling her that he loves her, that he loves her, that he is much more comfortable with her than with hers today partner... Likewise, each situation is very complex and although later we will see some signs that may indicate that this is happening, it is quite difficult to clearly determine whether not.

Emotional infidelity in social networks

Formerly the most common infidelities were those of a sexual nature. This type of betrayal occurred outside the home, at work or on a business trip. The two lovers sneakily met for sex while the naive husband or naive wife thought that her spouse was actually doing things related to work or outings.

With the arrival of new technologies, the improvement of mobile phones, the Internet and other resources, it seems that emotional infidelity has been gaining ground. Naturally there is sexual infidelity, but now she also gets intimate through instant messaging chats, social networks and specific applications for this type of “need”.

The person who commits this type of infidelity can see it as mere entertainment, a way to increase her self-esteem seeing how much love success can have and, also, as an exercise to share her internal world, which may be difficult for her to communicate to her partner, despite the fact that for that this.

In the long run There is a risk that if you get to know the person you were chatting with in person, you will also commit sexual infidelityl. It should also be said that emotional infidelity does not depend on the networks, since it can occur with close people, but in the face of the fear of the partner himself he finds out through a friend of a friend of that emotional lover, many of the emotional infidels who do it with full awareness of it prefer social networks to look for this type of lover.

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What is more serious: emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity?

As we said, each couple has their own agreements and rules about the relationship, both in the sexual and emotional fields. Sexually, it is usually more obvious, since unless the opposite is clearly stated, it is implicit that they are not going to have sexual encounters with other people. If it has been agreed that you can have sex with other people, if you do, there is no infidelity, and if it has not been agreed then there has been a betrayal.

However, emotionally it is not so clear, in addition to the fact that each gender interprets what an emotional betrayal is differently. Many couples begin by assuming that both lovers are going to love each other very much and are not going to fall in love with other people, thus It is not clear from the beginning what to do and what not to do with third parties on a sentimental level.

The answer to the question of whether emotional or sexual infidelity is more serious is it depends. It will depend on the agreements that the couple has reached, their current situation, if they have taken time and in that time it has been clarified or not that can see with other people... Each person is a world and so is his partner, in which a different value is given to sexual fidelity and emotional, Seeing yourself as more or less serious based on your own belief and value system.

Research conducted by Dr. David Frederick of Chapman University and Melissa Fales of UCLA surveyed 64,000 American adults about their views on emotional infidelity and infidelity sexual. Most of the heterosexual men gave greater importance to the sexual, considering the emotional little or relatively serious. In contrast, heterosexual women did give significant importance to the emotional, worrying about whether their partner was emotionally attracted to another woman.

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Causes

The causes that can lead a person to emotionally cheat on her partner are very varied. The main problem that usually emerges in these types of situations is that of lack of communication, which usually happens before infidelity occurs emotional who made her feel little heard by her partner, who could not share her feelings nor was there fluidity in the conversations. Despite living with her feels like he is not emotionally present and seeks to fill this emotional gap with an external person.

Additionally, lack of communication can lead to and worsen other unresolved conflicts. Among them we can find the lack of affection, especially if each one is very focused on their own private life, in his work or his hobbies and moments for romanticism are conspicuous by their absence. There is a shortage of shows of affection and understanding, which makes one of the two see the need to find that affection outside.

Monotony is also a very dangerous magnet for emotional infidelity. The routine causes the couple to get stuck, even if they are not aware of it. One partner may feel like the relationship isn't as exciting as it was in the beginning, which gets it started. to seek new experiences in people in your circle with whom you may end up generating a relationship deeper than the friendship.

Sexual and partner dissatisfaction in general terms can lead to this situation, especially if you are seeing that you do not share tastes, hobbies or other forms of leisure with the other. One of the members of the couple looks for people who share the same interests and ends up establishing a connection very deep, even if it is not sexual, which in the long run can evolve into an emotional infidelity and, also, sexual.

Normally, when one lives in a healthy relationship, where there is good communication, empathy, understanding and love, it is difficult for any type of infidelity to occur, especially the emotional type. Both members of the couple will talk openly about their feelings and will find a way to take action if either of them is not satisfied, energizing life as a couple.

Signs to detect it

There are many signs that can indicate that they are betraying us emotionally, although none is in itself a guarantee that this is the case.. It is difficult to detect if we are victims of emotional infidelity, but we can avoid it by establishing good communication with our partner.

Likewise, it must be said that the absence of communication is not always indicative of anything and that each situation and partner can manifest this type of infidelity through very different signals.

One of the most notable signs is if our partner is emotionally distant, It is difficult for him to express her feelings or shows little interest in what is discussed within the relationship. It can also happen that, suddenly, you have expanded your circle of friends and among them there is some special person, with whom you spend a lot of time and may be establishing a special relationship with her.

The person who is emotionally unfaithful can hide secrets in the partner such as not saying who she has been with or if she has been with someone. Also there may be a change in attitude towards mobile phones, the computer and social networks, especially if before you did not mind showing your partner what she was doing, showing or even sharing her password. Now he does have qualms about sharing those kinds of devices and applications.

We emphasize that none of these signs is something unequivocal and indicative of affective infidelity. However, if there is a change, it is always better to talk to find the balance in the relationship.

It is very important to understand that in a healthy couple it is normal for each of the members to have different friendships and do activities separatelyIt's even healthy not to share everything. This does not mean that there is infidelity, but that one is not an extremely codependent person of our partner.

How to get over an emotional infidelity

Any infidelity, both sexual and emotional, is painful and implies a turning point in the relationship. If it is considered that the couple's agreements have been explicitly violated, it can be decided to break, but in reality this is very difficult and we prefer to go ahead and try to overcome the infidelity, since you continue to love the other party even if you have committed a error. Fortunately, there are several things that can be done to overcome an emotional infidelity.

One of the fundamental aspects is to improve communication, since it is likely that his absence has led to infidelity. It is healthy to talk about what happened, clear all possible doubts with those involved and put solutions. It is totally legitimate to get angry, show anger, ask again and cry, since they are necessary to rebuild the relationship with a good foundation. You have to focus on what led the unfaithful person to do it, analyze the causes, their external situation and her emotions. Only then can we take measures so that this does not happen again.

It is normal for both members to feel guilty about the situation. The unfaithful person will feel guilty for having committed a betrayal and shaking the relationship, while the other person will not stop thinking about what she did wrong so that she deceived her loved her and why she did not see it before. But although it is normal for both to feel guilty, neither of these two guilt can move towards successful overcoming. You have to get rid of these feelings, since their presence makes it impossible to overcome infidelity.

At this point, if you want to continue with the couple, you must bet on the commitment. If love is strong enough to continue fighting for a future together, it is recommended that both lovers make a solid commitment to build a good relationship with real and sincere changes.

We must put aside what separated them and bet on empathy, understanding and renounce emotional contacts with third parties. Some new type of couple contract must be established and specify that this time it will be fulfilled.

Finally we have to forgive the infidelity and forget it. Without forgiveness or forgetfulness, regardless of whether or not you want to regain the relationship, both members of the couple will not feel good being trapped in resentment and resentment.

It is essential for the mental health of the deceived and the unfaithful to ask for forgiveness and forgive. Only then can both of them continue with their lives, both together and separately. If you stay together you should never bring up the subject again, or constantly ask for forgiveness. It must be forgiven and forgotten.

Bibliographic references:

• Meyers, S. (2012) Chatting or cheating: How to detect infidelity, rebuild love, and affair-proof your relationship. From The Heart Media, Inc.
• González López, L. (2016) Manual on mistrust in the couple. The me, the other and the us. Editorial Avanza Psicología.
• Díaz Morfa, J. (2003) Prevention of couple conflicts. Editorial Desclée de Brouwer, Psychology Library Collection.
• Frederick, David & Fales, Melissa. (2014). Upset Over Sexual versus Emotional Infidelity Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Adults. Archives of sexual behavior. 45. 10.1007 / s10508-014-0409-9.