How to start living for myself and not for others? 7 keys

In personal relationships something curious happens: once we have decided to fight for the well-being of the people of our environment and we begin to sacrifice for others, our acts of kindness in the past can reach enslave us. Or, at least, if we lose control of the situation.

The reason for this is that if everyone assumes that we are there for what others need, let to offer our help and our efforts becomes a display of selfishness, or even cruelty. Now it is possible break with this dynamic and fight for oneself instead of always doing it for others.

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7 keys to living for myself and not for others

When it comes to gaining autonomy and freedom, it is necessary to act both on our beliefs and thoughts and on our habits. Let's see how to do it. All this, to answer the question of: How to start living for me?

1. Work on self-compassion

Some say that those who live by and for others do so because they experience something similar to masochism. These kinds of statements are clearly an exaggeration, but they contain some truth.

And it is that whoever has become accustomed to always sacrificing himself for other people does so based on a very internalized belief that one owes something to others; that is to say, that its existence must be constantly compensated by good actions. The reasons why this belief has been adopted can vary greatly depending on the case, but that feeling of self-contempt is there.

That is why it is essential to work on self-compassion, embrace the habit of not judging yourself constantly and cruelly.

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2. Take a distant perspective

In situations in which there are conflicts of interest that are usually resolved in one person always accepting the conditions of the others, it is good that the one who sacrifices learns to adopt a more objective perspective.

To do this, it is necessary that you stick to data that are undeniable and that you draw conclusions from reflection on them. To do this, it may even be useful to use a pen and paper and write down the advantages and disadvantages that accepting this proposal has for oneself, on the one hand, and for the other person or organization, for the other.

3. Learn to say no

Something as simple as saying no to certain requests does a lot of good, especially when up to that moment we were accepting any request that they posed to us.

The complicated thing in these cases is knowing how to manage the anxiety that the situations in those of us who want to decline one of these "invitations" to endeavor for another person to benefit from it. In this sense, there is no other trick than to force yourself to do so., firmly propose that, whatever happens, we must answer with a clear "no".

Think about it like this: it may seem cruel to you to have to do that, but that's just because you probably don't have a habit of make requests and "mistreat" others and, therefore, you have not gotten used to being denied this kind of favors.

• Related article: "Learning to say "No""

4. Detect forms of manipulation

It is not easy, but to get rid of the habit of living for others you have to learn to recognize manipulation where it occurs.

For example, accusations of having previously asked for favors that were not actually taken care of or of having a lot of free time may seem very obvious if they are explained by written, but in the course of a dialogue in real time they can work and make us feel guilty in an irrational way, without becoming cynical about this kind of talk. approaches.

5. Accept the possibility of letting people go

There are relationships that, although in many cases they started well, over time they are only maintained through emotional blackmail and entrenched conflicts. This is natural and with the passage of time it is almost inevitable that we do not go through one of these situations.

But more important than the pain that toxic relationships like these can cause us, is to accept that nothing happens to cut contact with someone that has been in our day to day for a long time. Basically because the opposite is that these people can use us as “hostages” so that we do what they want in exchange for not leaving our side.

6. Indulge yourself

Starting to respect oneself is a way of making our actions begin to form new beliefs about one's own identity. And it is that if we usually treat each other with respect and affection, in the end our own self-image has many possibilities to adjust to this new reality, letting go of preconceived ideas of culpability. Self-esteem is also key in this process.

7. Jump into new personal projects

If everyone seems very busy and asks you for things to help accomplish other people's goals, it may also be, in part, because you you have no important goals to meet. Therefore, start adventures and develop projects that really interest you. Thus, it will come out of you to use your time in activities that fill you, and not always to please others.