Mom and Dad are breaking up! And now... what will become of me?

In this article we want to offer a more realistic vision of what a marital separation can generate in the eyes of children and offer four guidelines with which you can cope with this new situation and help them understand it and have the most positive experience possible of the separation.

Separation is a reality with which we live, it is part of our society and in our hands it is the possibility of generating satisfactory solutions to the problems that may arise in the face of the children. It is vital to be aware of the harm that can be done to them if these guidelines are not followed.

Separation from parents: a traumatic experience for children

When we think about what we want for our children, the majority of parents respond "that they are well and be happy." Faced with this imperative desire to seek and generate the happiness and well-being of the children, we must bear in mind that it depends on "the parents" that the children are well and are happy after the separation.

It is obvious that we do not know what is going to happen, but it is clear that the adaptation to the new family situation will be better, less traumatic and easier for the sons and daughters of parents who, after separation, are able to share decisions about the children and cooperate for their well-being.

What aspects are most difficult for a child regarding separation?

The aspects that generate the most tension in a child when there is a separation are the following:

• That one of the parents blames the child for the separation.

• That at home there was any type of abuse, with or without the presence of the children.

• Family members saying bad things about parents.

• That aspects are verbalized against the other parent.

• That children have to give in and leave things they like.

• That a parent is sad or upset about the separation.

• That questions about the private life of the other parent are generated by the mother or father.

• Comments from other people in the environment in a negative sense towards parents.

All these aspects They put great pressure on their children and this tension can lead to difficulties in adapting and short-term symptoms such as depression, anxiety, evolutionary regressions, Rage, aggressiveness, school difficulties... Nor is it strange that the child can suffer a low self-esteem and self-confidence.

The reactions that boys and girls have after the separation are different and diverse, and this tells us that it depends on how the The process of separation by the parents and the relationship established between them will determine and condition the adaptation of the children.

Four General Guidelines on the Separation Process to Care for Our Children

First of all, it should be clarified that the general indicators in each case are variable and must be adjusted based on the child's age and marital status. The guidelines that we propose are good for children and therefore it should be advisable to make an effort in carry them out, and in this way help to improve the adaptation and the process of the children in the separation.

1. Communicate the separation decision to children

An agreement must be reached between the parents on how it will be communicated and with what words it will be said, as well as how both must be present and agree on the decision that has been made, so that when transmitting this information to the children it is correct and consistent with what is going to be done. It must be made clear that each of the spouses will live in a different house, that it is not their fault, that sometimes older people get angry and cannot be together and it is better to live in a way separated. It is necessary to assure them that they are not going to lose you, that you are their father and mother and that you will continue to love them, you will be with them and you will continue to take care of them as always.

It should be made clear that they will be able to continue with the same activities that they usually do, that the two houses will be their home, that their toys can be in one house or another without inconvenience ...

2. Make it clear that children are not to blame

It should be made clear that separation is a decision that adults have made and that it has nothing to do with them and that they are not to blame, nor are they responsible for the decision that their parents separate. It must be emphasized that they will continue to be their mother and father even though they do not live in the same house, and that this decision of theirs is for everyone be happier and expose that the changes in their lives will be positive ("we will stop fighting and arguing", "we will be less sad", "more quiet"…).

Ask them what they think about it, ask them if they have any doubts or concerns about this change, and leave the door open for their emotional expression. Definitely, we must let them ask us when any doubt or fear arises. This is essential to be able to generate good communication and it will help children to adapt naturally and as less traumatic as possible.

3. Communicate how the visits will be carried out

In this case, the situations can be very diverse and different depending on the age of the child and the process followed in the separation, but the better communication and agreement between the parents, the better experience they can transmit to their children.

It is important in this section to be clear about the aspects that generate tension in the children, in order to be clear about what I want for my son and how I contribute as a father or mother to the adaptation and reduction of the tension that the separation.

4. Minimize the impact that as adults we can generate on children

In this section we refer to have control and acceptance that the situation of adults has changed, but that our children continue to have a father and a mother and that we must avoid certain negative comments, work our anger or frustration with a person who can guide and help us manage it and not project it onto them, not generate the well-known “loyalty conflicts”, because after all they love you both and don't want to make you hurt.

Know more: "Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): a form of child abuse"

Some conclusions and nuances

These are some of the aspects that we want to leave you so that you can take into account in the event that you are immersed in this separation process And even if you have already carried it out, it is important that you keep these guidelines or clarifications in mind.

Finally, it should be noted that the obligation of parents to achieve the well-being of their children is of vital importance. If the child shows signs of symptoms that may be damaging some facet of her life, we should get in the hands of a specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry and psychology to be able to make an evaluation and treatment suitable. In addition, educational psychologists They will meet with parents to be able to offer and facilitate guidelines and strategies that they can implement and thus minimize the impact on their children.