Why do I hate myself? Causes and solutions

Have you ever heard the expression "I am my worst enemy"? Surely you have heard it at least once in your life, and the truth is that involves deep reflection.

Some people live a life of great want due to their own feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred. This causes them to have problems relating to others and being happy. But what are the causes of this type of sensation? To what extent do they alter our thoughts, emotions, and habits? And, ultimately, how can we from psychology help improve this self-perception to people who hate themselves so that this discomfort does not affect them so much?

What is the inner critical voice and why should we silence it forever?

In a study published a few months ago, psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone found evidence that the most frequent self-critical thinking among the majority of people (regardless of their cultural, ethnic or religious origins) was "I am different from the others". Most people see themselves as different from others, but not in a positive sense, quite the opposite: in a negative sense.

We all have an "anti-self" who hates the way we are

In fact, even individuals who have a good social image and seem perfectly adapted and respected in the social settings they frequent, have strong negative feelings and the feeling of showing a distorted face on themselves. This is explained because, according to some experts, our identity is unfolded.

Dr. Robert Firestone explains that each person has a "Real me", a part of our personality that is based on self-acceptance, as well as a "Anti-me", a part of our conscience that rejects our way of being.

The critical or "anti-self" voice

The anti-me is in charge of boycotting us through that critical inner voice that we all, to a greater or lesser extent, have. This critical voice it's like a kind of alarm from our selfconcept who makes negative comments about every moment of our lives, thus altering our behavior and our self-esteem. He is a specialist in burying our illusions and goals: “Do you really think you can do it... You can never reach that goal, look at you, you are not good enough! ". He also takes care to despise your past and present achievements: "Yeah, well, you've been lucky, it wasn't your merit". In addition, the anti-self is an expert in boycotting our well-being when we enjoy a relationship: “She doesn't really love you. Why do you think he has so many friends in college? You shouldn't trust her ".

Learning to ignore the voice that tries to boycott us

Every person has this critical voice inside, what happens is that some people pay a lot of attention to it, while others have learned to ignore it. About the first, The main problem is that when you pay a lot of attention to the critical voice, the criticisms and reproaches that it launches are increasingly harsh and constant. In this way, they end up assuming that, instead of being a voice that represents an enemy to be fought, it is a voice that emanates from our "real self" and they confuse criticism with the real point of view, accepting without further ado everything that we He says.

Why do I hate myself?

"I hate myself" It is a recurring phrase that our inner critical voice can send us. What is the origin of this kind of self-destructive thinking?

For psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone, are thoughts that are generated in the negative experiences of childhood and adolescence. The way we perceive ourselves in the different stages of childhood and puberty and the judgments of others towards us is shaping our identity and, therefore, a better or worse selfconcept.

How others perceive us decisively affects how we value ourselves

When we are subjected to negative attitudes by our parents or people whom we hold in high esteem, we internalize these evaluations and judgments to shape our own image. It seems clear that if receiving positive attitudes from our parents (such as praise or feeling loved and appreciated) helps us develop good self-esteem, critical attitudes can promote just the effect contrary. This phenomenon is perfectly explained by the "Pygmalion Effect".

In any case, it is not a question here of holding the parents responsible for everything. Educating a child is not an easy task, and our parents are also burdened with negative feelings from their own past; Nobody is therefore immune from transmitting, even unconsciously, judgments or gestures that are not entirely appropriate, especially in times of tension.

A negativity that is transmitted from parents to children

If, for example, our parents made us see that we were naughty or constantly told us to be silent, or even if they simply felt overwhelmed if we were around, we could end up accepting the idea that we really are a hindrance. One of the possible effects of this perception is that we could end up being shy and withdrawn people, or to take a submissive attitude in our daily life and with our interpersonal relationships.

How does the critical voice disturb us in our day to day?

Our "anti-self" can have an impact on our daily lives in several different ways. We can try to adapt to the critical voice by trying to take its criticism into consideration. When he repeatedly states that we are a disaster as a person, we can come to believe it and choose, under this premise, friends and romantic partners who treat us in the same way, as if not we were worth nothing.

It is also possible that if he constantly tells us that we are inept, de develop a total lack of self-esteem that pushes us to make mistakes that in the end make us look really stupid. Is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he tells us all the time that we are very unattractive, we can even decline the option of looking for a partner.

Between turning a deaf ear and handling criticism

The moment we listen to our inner critical voice, we give it authority over our thinking and actions. It is possible until we begin to project these kinds of critical thoughts onto the people around us. We are at a real risk that the hatred that the critical voice generates towards ourselves ends up blurring the glasses with which we see the world. At this point we may begin to suffer from some symptoms of paranoid personality disorder, when we begin to question people who perceive us in a different way than our inner voice does.

We can try to stay away from praise and positive criticism, because they contradict the schemes that we have built for ourselves. Even we can instill in ourselves the idea that we are not valid enough to have romantic relationships. It is a critical voice that not only attacks us from outside, but gradually becomes the personality itself, attacking the foundations of personal well-being. Not only is it there all the time, but there comes a time when, for that very reason, we stop perceiving it, because it is already completely integrated into us.

How can I stop hating myself?

There are several tips that can help manage and try to minimize this hatred of ourselves, managing to live oblivious to these limiting beliefs generated by our internal critic.

Overcoming our critical voice, our anti-self, is the first step towards liberating destructive thoughts, but this It is not easy since many of these beliefs and attitudes are fully ingrained in our being, we have internalized them.

1. Identify the critical voice

This process begins with detect and start laying the foundations to be able to manage this critical voice. Once we have recognized the sources of these critical thoughts that negatively affect us, we must consider what is true (the thoughts) and what is false.

Sometimes, as we have already mentioned, this identification will mean that you inquire within yourself to recognize the negative traits that you have "inherited" from your parents during your childhood. If you had very demanding parents, for example, you have the responsibility to challenge the habits of demand towards others that you have acquired.

2. Rationalize and start being realistic

We must respond to the attacks of our critical selves that provoke this hatred of ourselves through a calm but realistic and rational point of view about oneself.

3. Challenge and relativize

In the last place, we must be able to challenge the self-destructive attitudes and that affect our self-esteem that the negative voice pushes us to realize. When we renounce these defense mechanisms that we have built up with adaptation to pain that you experienced in your childhood, we will try to change some behaviors that emerge from this circumstance.

For example, if you were a very overprotected child and your parents constantly watched you, it is possible that you have developed seeking to isolate yourself from others for fear that they may intrude on your lifetime.

4. Find your own identity

The last step to change your mind "I hate myself" to "I liked"involves trying to find your own values, ideas and beliefs that you feel comfortable and at ease with. What is your idea of ​​how to live life? What are your short, medium and long term goals?

When we free ourselves from our inner critic, we are closer to finding ourselves. We can then begin to have attitudes and perform acts that are a much more faithful reflection of our needs and desires, which will give much more meaning to our existence.

A path not without obstacles, but one that will be worth traveling

During the journey in which we try to stop hating ourselves until we find that path that makes us happy, it is natural that we experience a little anxiety or a resistance from the critical voice to abandon our recurring thoughts.

However, if one is persistent in challenging the critical voice within, This will end up becoming weaker little by little and we can thus get rid of the feeling of hatred towards ourselves.. A crucial step towards a happier and more enjoyable life.