What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?

In my years as a therapist I have witnessed how many people live in the grip of a great ghost that haunts them: his name is guilt. They are people who cannot fully enjoy their lives because they tend to deprive themselves of experiences, make decisions, take on challenges, close circles in their lives because they feel guilty.

So today I decided to write a few basic ideas that allow you to reflect on this great ghost that haunts our lives and sometimes we do not realize it.

What we understand by guilt

Let's start by exploring the term a bit: guilt. We usually define this concept as an unpleasant feeling born of the sanction, the accusing statement or the conviction produced by "something we did or did not do and it was assumed that we should do or not do".

This signaling generates feelings such as sadness, remorse, regret, anguish, helplessness and frustration.

The small imaginary judgments

These cases can be found very easily in judicial matters, in which a person is sentenced or sentenced to a certain penalty for committing a crime.

These processes are usually very emotionally draining for those involved, easily noticing a deterioration not only psychological-social, but also physical.

It is precisely on this point that I am interested in reflecting. In consultation I usually mention to my patients that, consciously or unconsciously, they tend to live in a constant "Trial" in which, unfortunately, they are the ones who force themselves to sit in the "chair of the accused ”.

In this way, it is about exemplifying how exhausting their lives tend to be, by the own decision to “punish or reproach oneself” for “what is done or not done in life”. That is to say, on many occasions there is no such thing as an "other who points out", but it is the same inflexibility of the subject that is accused.

When you put the blame on yourself

Starting from this premise, it becomes clear thate guilt is the sole decision of the subject to be putting the sentence on himself.

The upbringing and education received in general can influence the acquisition of self-punitive behaviors, but once it is adult life, we are responsible for changing our repertoire in such a way that we acquire more and more emotional tools assertive.

The second language example

To clarify this point I usually give the following example to my patients.

As a child, parents often cannot give their children the option of acquiring a second language; while they are children and adolescents, they are subject to the possibilities allowed by their parents. And if you ask them why they don't speak another language, they will very naturally say that their parents cannot provide that option.

But when they are an adult, they can no longer justify themselves by talking about what their parents could not provide them, since theoretically it is already their absolute responsibility to provide themselves with all the professional tools necessary to compete in the job market, and the more they need a tool to excel in the professional field, the greater their effort should be to to get it.

In the same way, if our parents could not provide us with the necessary tools to have mental health and therefore quality of life, as adults it is our responsibility to acquire new resources. Therefore, using blame assertively is an absolute decision of the person. The ideal is to know how to manage these beliefs and feelings to make our quality of life improve in those areas where you can improve.

Why should guilt be exterminated when it is not assertive?

Guilt creates heartbreaking feelings, because it makes the person a prisoner in an emotional situation.

Example: let's imagine that a natural disaster occurs near where we live and many loved ones were affected; We feel their pain and concern, therefore, if it is within our means, we run to help them, trying to give our best in the face of such a catastrophe; It would be almost unthinkable for a person to place handcuffs on his hands and tie himself to the bed, in such a way that he feels the pain of his friends but without being able to do anything.

This is precisely the panorama assumed by people who blame themselves; they remain paralyzed, they lament, they feel pain, but they do not take actions that allow them to improve the outlook. They remain "tied", "prisoners" in their feelings without the ability to collaborate.

Forms of compensation

It is necessary to clarify that sometimes people clearly assume responsibility for their actions, in the meantime they look for ways to make up for their mistake. For example, if in a couple one of the two was unfaithful, it is possible that the error is recognized and that the person struggles to regain trust, in such a way that it does not remain in lamentations or sanctions, but in the way to regain the emotional stability of the couple in case of wanting to continue together. That is, guilt allows us to become sensitive to human sentiment and therefore, to define certain actions for healthy coexistence. This would be the assertive use of guilt.

Nevertheless, on many occasions people feel guilty for events that are not their responsibility. Going back to one of the examples, it would be as if the person felt responsible for the natural disaster, which he wiped out. neighborhood and therefore begin to apologize to others and not be able to continue with your life for the sadness caused by the experience.

The guilt that binds us

In the same way, people spend a large amount of their lives immersed in this "irrational belief" that they are responsible for events that belong to the course of life itself. And the difficult thing about the case is that a circle is generated, because by “paralyzing” and not looking for alternative ways to improve the situation, one falls into constant complaint or lamentations.

So when people are helped to channel guilt they are questioned as to whether they really want to get rid of these unpleasant feelings. The most important question I should ask you as a therapist is, "Do you want to take responsibility for your life?" Why that many times implies taking actions that we unconsciously avoid assuming. In some cases, in fact, they find that it is more comfortable to be mourning the past than to begin to build the present.

Temporality

Another important aspect to mention on the subject of guilt is its temporality. Guilt, as already mentioned, helps us to sensitize ourselves to those actions that we do or stop doing and that allows us to amend or improve as people; but it must be registered within a time. It has a beginning and an end, as well as an objective that, as mentioned, focuses on overcoming.

However, its use is distorted when it starts but does not end, that is, when we feel bad about a fault we committed but we are continually recriminating ourselves over and over again.

In legal matters, it is often heard that a person pays a sentence only once for a crime. In this case it is the same; the person actually regrets the harm done, apologizes, shows her repentance, and continues to live. However, many people find it impossible to put that end point and relive their negative feelings over and over again for the harm they did to the other person.

At this point I usually ask my patients the following question: What is the purpose of living with that feeling of guilt? Could it be that it works for us to victimize, manipulate, or avoid taking responsibility? It is extremely important that people find the real reason for which they blame themselves. It is the beginning to obtain changes.