Talking to a Friend with Suicidal Thoughts: Tips for Giving Support

Talking about suicide is a taboo topic in our society, but talking about it is not at all something to be ashamed of, nor is it something to feel guilty about.

We may think that it is something that is hardly going to happen to us, that suicide only happens to people who are very depressed, something that is "easy" to see. However, many people have suicidal thoughts.

Know how to talk to a friend with suicidal thoughts, or that we think they might have themIt is not easy (nor comfortable to apply in practice), but it is better to be safe than to face the loss of a loved one. Next we will see how to do it.

• Related article: "Suicidal thoughts: causes, symptoms and therapy"

How to talk to a friend with suicidal thoughts?

We may not notice it, but the truth is that depression and associated problems are a very common evil. Every day, going down the street, we come across hundreds of people who may feel despair, deep sadness, helplessness and, more often than we would like to believe, suicidal thoughts. Whether it is a friend, a relative or our neighbor, there are many who fantasize about the idea of ​​ending their life and, unfortunately, there are also many who carry it out.

There are several causes that can be behind a person wanting to commit suicide, but they do not make the problem more obvious and easy to see. People who have these kinds of thoughts do not share them just like that and are even afraid that someone will notice. The society in which we live means that, if it is already difficult to talk about totally healthy feelings and normal, it is even more so to express something that is generally seen as something that to embarrass.

You don't have to be a psychologist to help save a life from the risk of someone committing suicide. Despite being ashamed to share their thoughts, what many of these patients want is for their fears and feelings to be heard without judgment. Many fear that they are seen as weak people, who choose the "easy" way but, in reality, the fact of expressing their fears, their fears, their dissatisfaction with her life make them truly brave, and we, as good friends, must listen to them and support them. We must do everything possible to overcome your problem and change your outlook on life.

What we are going to see throughout this article are a series of aspects to take into account when talking to someone who we think might have suicidal thoughts. It may not be like that, we have thought about what it is not, but simply asking someone if they want to end her life can help us avoid it.

Far from what is believed, speaking openly about this issue can prevent you from ending your life. In case that is not the case, even if you may even get angry for having asked, we will remain calm when verifying that it does not.

Your feelings are not a shame

When talking to a friend with suicidal thoughts we should avoid treating the problem as a reason for shame and blaming the person. Suicide must be addressed openly, since it is too serious a topic to leave things in the pipeline. Openly discussing the issue is a protective factor, since the more you know what is really going on, the sooner you can intervene. In addition, if the person sees that someone cares about him, he may have more desire to live.

This, sadly, is just the opposite of what many loved ones do. There are not a few parents, siblings, friends and other close people who explicitly tell who they have these kinds of thoughts that do not tell other people, so as not to worry them or think what not it is. Although well-intentioned and concerned, these people are unaware that their “advice” can further aggravate the situation.

Telling someone with suicidal thoughts not to talk openly about them contributes to making them ashamed of having them, something that they already feel. In addition, this makes them feel worse because they feel guilty for having worried someone who already knows it, making their depression even worse. To top it all off, if more people accidentally know that he is having suicidal thoughts, he will feel worse because he has not been able to hide it. All of this increases the chances that you will commit suicide.

As we have already discussed, it is better to talk about it openly than to hide it. If the person wants to commit suicide, the best thing to prevent him from doing so is to know as soon as possible. In case you do not have any suicidal thoughts, we have simply asked an uncomfortable question, nothing more. The belief that talking about suicide increases your chances of committing it is not true. The more information we know about what is happening to you, the better, and the more help we can offer.

• You may be interested in: "This is the psychological intervention in patients at risk of suicide"

Emotional intelligence: our best ally

At first, trying to understand a person with suicidal thoughts is difficult if they have not experienced these kinds of thoughts before. However, it is not impossible nor does it mean that you do not understand it. A fundamental aspect to understand a friend with these types of thoughts and to know how to help him is put yourself in their shoes, make a mental effort to understand your situation and try to figure out what you want and what you don't want to hear. In other words, cultivate emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is our best ally to tackle a subject as delicate as wanting commit suicide, but it also helps us for any other aspect of life that is directly related to emotions. Few people realize it, but not all of us feel the same or experience things around us in the same way. You have to understand that each one, with his personality and feelings, is different.

Emotional intelligence as it is conceptualized today is understood as the ability to put two skills into practice. On the one hand, we have intrapersonal intelligence, which is the ability to understand, identify and manage one's own emotions, while on the other we have the interpersonal, which is the ability to recognize, understand and understand the emotions of the the rest.

Both can be useful for us to speak openly with a person whom we suspect might have suicidal thoughts, but the interpersonal one is especially useful. Through it we can try to think how we would feel, what we would not like to be told and how words, while well-intentioned, can be painful or even make the situation worse. We must think about the possible consequences of our approach to the problem.

Empathy cannot be lacking. In addition, we must try to put ourselves in her place, try to take her same point of view, think about what has led her to take such a radical option as wanting to commit suicide. From the outside it may give the feeling that it is not that bad either but, as we have said, each one is as he is and our lives are very different. The extreme despair and sadness that depression implies does not happen just like that, there is a compelling reason.

Call in case of emergency

Suicidal thoughts are not synonymous with imminent suicide. There are even people who fantasize about their death and wonder what would happen if they decided to end their life that they will never commit it. However, it is clear that the simple fact of having these types of ideas in mind is not something very flattering. Having a friend tell us that he is having suicidal thoughts is something to worry about and intervene as soon as possible.

If we talk about the subject with our friend and he tells us, explicitly and clearly, that he wants to commit suicide and that he will do it shortly, it is clear that we are facing an emergency. It is a matter of days, perhaps hours, before a loved one ends his life. Therefore, what we must do at that precise moment is to pick up a phone and call the emergency services. If we are not close to who we think is going to commit suicide, we should contact someone from their surroundings, give him the notice and, also, call the police indicating where he lives or where he could be now.

In case he tells us that he fantasizes or that he has thought about committing suicide but it does not seem that he is going to do it in the short term, we must also intervene. We must not lower our guard or believe that it is a phase, that when what worries him has been "fixed" he will be happy and content like a Easter. We should be concerned, but fortunately we have more room for maneuver compared to the previous case. Just because you won't do it today doesn't mean you don't have a plan in place. There is a risk of taking his life.

We must consult with professional help such as a specialized psychologist, primary care and, also, with the services of information so that they tell us to what extent we can help and what we can do (Telephone of Hope: 717 003 717). We must provide these professionals with all the data that we have at our disposal, details that We have been able to make clear from our open conversation with him or her about her suicidal thoughts. Any information that we can provide will help guide us and explain what we should do.

Bibliographic references:

• Weisner, L. (2020). How to talk to a suicidal friend. Psyche.co. Taken from https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-talk-about-suicide-and-save-the-life-of-a-loved-one.
• Hjelmeland, H., Hawton, K., Nordvik, H., Bille-Brahe, U., De Leo, D., Fekete, S., Grad, O., Haring, C., Kerkhof, J. F., Lönnqvist, J., Michel, K., Renberg, E. S., Schmidtke, A., Van Heeringen, K., & Wasserman, D. (2002). Why people engage in parasuicide: a cross-cultural study of intentions. Suicide & life-threatening behavior, 32 (4), 380–393. https://doi.org/10.1521/suli.32.4.380.22336.
• Maris, R. W., Berman, A. L., Silverman. (2000). Comprehensive Textbook of Suicidology. New York. The Guilford Press.
• Silverman, M. M. (2006). The Language of Suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior: Vol. 36, No. 5, pp. 519 - 532.