How do you know if you have developed emotional dependence?

One of the most frequent problems that appear in love relationships has to do with the fact that, being involved in one, many times we lose the ability to see the problems that arise in it, the way in which we harm.

This is clearly seen in cases in which someone submits their partner through actions that can be classified as abuse (even if there is no physical violence), but at other times the negative influence that the relationship has on someone is more subtle and difficult to detect.

In practice, in many of these cases what is known as emotional dependence appears; There is a person who does not consider living apart from that affective bond, and who is therefore desperately trying to ensure that this relationship does not end, even if that makes the problem worse. Therefore, here we will see a small summary about how to know if you have developed emotional dependence towards a person, and what to do.

• Related article: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

How do you know if you have developed emotional dependence in a relationship?

All of us behave, at least in part, based on our beliefs about who we are, what our life is like and what we are capable of doing. This set of beliefs are part of what is known in Psychology as "self-concept", which as its name indicates, it is the concept that we have of ourselves, and that is linked to our self-esteem.

Now, although everything that makes up our self-concept is self-referential (because everything points to ideas that we have of ourselves), it does not arise in our mind independently of what happens to our around. In fact, most aspects of our identity as individuals are formed through the way we relate to others.

This is not in itself a bad thing, because a self-concept detached from our social life would be totally irrelevant and would be meaningless, since it would not allow us to have almost any reference point to know who we are and what we characterizes. However, this two-way exchange between our self-concept and the society around us exposes us to situations in which, if we are not careful, we can fall into emotional dependence, among other problems. This happens when everything we think we know about ourselves and our future plans are totally linked to one person.

Here we will see some warning signs that will let you know if you have developed a clear dependency emotional, although keep in mind that all these conditions do not have to be met to experience this trouble. In addition, in this case we will focus on relationships between adults.

1. You seek the approval of that person to be able to exercise your fundamental rights

This is one of the clearest signs that there is a strong emotional dependency. It is reflected in the need and obtain the "permission" of another person before we can exercise basic rights, such as talking to another person, eating, buying something with our own money, etc.

2. You perform "compensatory" behaviors constantly and unnecessarily

In those who develop emotional dependence, it is normal to carry out actions to "reward" the other person for continuing in that relationship, even if there is no reason to make such offers nor does it make sense to try to redeem yourself for something in concrete. It's not so much about giving gifts whether they are tangible or intangible simply to make that person happy, but rather, an attempt is made to mitigate the fear produced by the idea that the relationship stops compensating the other person and leaves our side.

• You may be interested: "How to maintain good relationships with others: 8 tips"

3. You try to hide the negative aspects of the relationship

So that the relationship is not destabilized by pressure from others, those who develop emotional dependence often try to hide the negative consequences of always trying to stay with that person, sometimes going to the extreme of lying.

For example, if we have gone to buy a type of clothing that we do not like especially to fit the tastes of the other person and someone asks us about that sudden change of "look", we will make up a story about how we have changed pleasures.

4. You try to prevent jealousy

Another characteristic of emotional dependence, in this case in the world of relationships, is that it tries not to give the other person reasons to be jealous.

This implies not interacting in a normal way with people who may be perceived as a threat to the stability of the relationship. It is not the same as not being unfaithful, since in this case it goes to the extreme of not performing actions that would be normal even not feeling sexual interest in the person with whom we refuse to relate: talking, asking a question, etc.

5. You assume that important decisions are always made by the other person

Another characteristic aspect of emotional dependence is that, since you have assumed that it is the other who has the power, you take it for granted that he always makes the important decisions. That is, the criteria for knowing who decides what decision to make is not based on rational criteria such as: who has more experience about a topic or who has a clearer idea about what to do, but everything revolves around the roles of can.

Looking for help to get out of a situation like this?

If you think that you are going through a problem of these characteristics and you are looking for professional support to overcome it, I invite you to contact me. I am a Clinical Psychologist with many years of experience helping all types of patients, and both in my office located in Almería and through the online therapy, I can help you gain autonomy and assertiveness to better manage your emotions, both in individual therapy and in therapy partner. To see my contact details, click click here.

Bibliographic references:

• Aragon, R.S. and Cruz, R.M. (2014). Causes and characterization of the stages of romantic grief. Act of psychological research, 4 (1): pp. 1329 - 1343.
• Biscotti, O. (2006). Couples Therapy: a systemic view. Buenos Aires: Lumen.
• Cuff, B.M., Brown, S., Taylor, L. and Howat, D. (2016). Empathy, a Review of the Concept. Emotion Review, 8 (2): pp. 144 - 153.
• Morgan, J.P. (1991). What is codependency? Journal of Clinical Psychology 47 (5): pp. 720 - 729.