What is the goal of couples therapy?

Many years ago, when I did a course on couples therapy with José Antonio Carrobles, I remember that among other documents there was a sheet entitled “How to communicate successfully”. In it appeared a series of tips, all of them very useful to improve communication.

However, we observe in psychotherapy that theoretical knowledge about how a problem is solved does not produce its solution. For example, we all know that an addiction to a poison requires it to overcome non-consumption; however, this knowledge does not solve the problem. It is not enough, because the problem lies there, precisely in that it cannot not consume.

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The goal of couples therapy: translate into action

Couples therapists know that for a good understanding and to resolve conflicts, both must listen to your partner, do not interrupt you, do not file against complaints, summarize what your partner has understood, etc. Sometimes it's just about improving communication.

However, with the identification of problem behaviors and the mere transmission of information about what to change or do, it turns out that

the necessary changes do not occur, they do not perform the behaviors. They cannot or do not know how to do it, despite knowing what to do. This is so much more frequently than is desirable.

We have tools that allow us to identify quite exactly what the problematic behaviors are for each of the members of the couple. We can also verify the little knowledge they usually have about what the couple expects and needs from the other, as well as the little knowledge they have about what certain behaviors reward the other. However, with all this, many times it is not enough.

That is, we can understand and clarify what needs to be changed, implemented, eradicated or replaced, but that is not usually enough.

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The need to go beyond theory

Psychotherapy has come a long way in recent decades. We have developed techniques that favor change, in many cases, relatively quickly.

These techniques would lead us to achieve (often without the patient understanding very well what is happening at first), that the person put into practice actions and habits that lead you to experience your problems differently, to experience your problems differently on an emotional level, correcting in turn those behaviors that not only did not solve their problems, but were usually the reason for their existence and persistence.

Thus, an adequate use of language by the therapist will lead the couple to see their problem from another perspectiveThis will motivate them to comply with the agreement, which in turn will lead them to have a different emotional experience, correcting the behaviors that maintained and developed the conflict.

Combining couples sessions with individual sessions

It is true that it is very important to identify problem behaviors, since what differentiates the success of couples from others, it is behavior (assuming there has previously been an attraction, a desire, and a compatibility), but it will be the realization of certain prescriptions, adapted to the uniqueness of each couple, which will produce the changes in problem behaviors, extinguishing them, or drastically reducing their rate, or replacing them with others that will strengthen and develop the bond.

It will be then that the relationship will have the quality and warmth that the couple seeks and needs.

Many times we will have to intervene individually to ensure that one of these members of the relationship (if not both), is endowed with those skills that allow you to manage your emotions in a more appropriate way, and that this helps you not to have a behavior that generates conflict.

And it is usual that it is the problems of one of the members of the couple that have to be treated, simultaneously with the relationship, to advance adequately in therapy. Therefore, after one or more contacts with both, it is usually necessary to have individual sessions, separately, with each. In other cases, individual psychotherapy will even be necessary, prior to couples therapy.

Treating common problems

It will also be convenient check if there is a common goal. Sometimes, the members of a relationship not only have different goals, but even conflicting ones.

By seeing them, first together and later separately (especially if they have different goals), it will be easier to draw common goals. Subsequently, the fact that they are not or jointly agreed will be worked on.

Obstacles in the development of therapy

If someone's intention in going to a couples therapist is to show that the other is to blame, or the reason for attending is not it is known how to break the relationship, couples therapy (considering continuity as the objective) becomes very difficult, not to say non-viable.

Another reason for discomfort in the couple is that, over time, frequently, erotic desire decays. The infatuation phase lasts as long as it lasts, after it, if there is no conversion of infatuation into something else that we will call love and also eroticism is not cultivated, it will decline. As in almost all things, when we give it attention, time, energy and care, the interest will last.

The important is that we can and must modify those behaviors that are the reason for a bad relationship with a partner. Let us not doubt that it is possible and that we have the tools to achieve it, if there is a true desire and motivation for it.

Conclution

When two people have a lot of fun together, they carry out their projects together, they are present in the other's life when they need it, they help and push the other to carry out their illusions, they give continuous and frequent displays of affection, they desire each other, they admire and express it, they treat each other with respect, they share what they have... it will be difficult for him to break or want to break a relationship like that.

As well, this is the goal of a couples therapy, help them resolve their conflicts, change problem behaviors and improve communication, and thus, produce those very desirable results between two people who say and want to love each other.