How to resolve a conflict between children: 9 guidelines to follow

Childhood is a vital stage where conflicts between equals frequently appear, whether between siblings, cousins, classmates, friends, etc. But... How to resolve a conflict between children?

Sometimes, as parents or professionals, we can feel a little lost or overwhelmed by these types of situations. How can you help them resolve their conflict and learn from this exercise? In this article we offer you 9 guidelines to manage this type of situation.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

Conflicts in childhood

It is totally normal for children to have conflicts with each other during this vital stage that is childhood. Conflicts, disputes or discussions are frequent at these ages and are also necessary so that little by little the personality and self-determination of the child are built.

The fact that each one has their own wishes, needs and ideas makes this type of situation likely. Beyond these, the important thing will be that they themselves (with adult support, when necessary) learn to manage, tolerate and face these types of solutions.

They must understand that from the diversity of opinions and desires many disputes arise, and that the importance of approaching positions, listening and empathizing, are key elements to resolve this type of conflicts.

Through conflict, children can learn new ways of interacting, getting to know each other, and getting to know themselves, to listen, to empathize, to open their mind... Each conflict will be an opportunity for them to grow and evolve.

In addition, this type of situation opens the doors to work with them different types of values ​​related to understanding, education and socialization. On the other hand, they allow us to work, in turn, on behavioral disorders, mental rigidity, assertiveness, difficulties in expressing desires and needs, etc. However, in order to work on all these aspects, it is important that we first learn how to resolve a conflict between children.

• You may be interested: "Effective communication: 24 keys of great communicators"

How to help resolve a conflict between children

How to resolve a conflict between children? Here we will see several guidelines to do so.

These are psychoeducational strategies, techniques and tools that adults can apply to promote this conflict resolution, but that children can finally integrate and apply autonomously in their day to day, once it has been taught to them and they have been able to put it into practice.

That is to say, here the figure of the adult will be more of a model / mentor and accompaniment, but in the end the work will have to be done by the children. Logically, depending on their age (and their maturational level) we can adapt these guidelines to one methodology or another.

1. Identify the problem

What has happened? It is important that they themselves can verbalize what has happened, and can agree on the version of events.

If this cannot be achieved, unless each one explains what they think has happened, how they have felt, etc. Identifying the underlying problem is the first key on how to resolve a conflict between children.

2. Offer a space for them to express themselves

In line with the above, another key idea on how to resolve a conflict between children is to offer a space for emotional expression. That is, we must give them enough space to express how they have felt at the time of the conflict and how they are feeling at this time.

How has the other person made you feel? Does he think he has acted well? And he himself, has he acted well? Here it will also be important that the other child listens to you (to listen to each other without interrupting).

3. Promote mutual understanding

It will be important that in addition to listening to each other, children can practice empathy and get to understand each other. If a priori they cannot be understood, at least they try.

For it the adult will be able to intervene offering explanations about why he has acted in this way or another one of them. If there is no absolute understanding of the other's behavior, unless there is respect between the two.

4. Find joint solutions

Another key idea on how to resolve a conflict between children is to help them find joint solutions. That is, each one can contribute possible solutions to the conflict, but it would also be interesting if they came to a joint solution (for example through brainstorming).

Here the adult can also intervene and accompany. It will also be a good time to “get rid of” the issue (if it has not been a serious conflict) and to bring positions closer together, relativize, etc.

6. Teach them to manage emotions

Emotional education is a key factor that will allow us to help our children (and our students, families, patients, etc.) in their emotional management. Emotions and, especially intense emotions (such as anger, anger ...) can lead us to commit impulsive actions, not very successful or that cause harm to others.

It is because of that we should practice by example and show them alternative ways of acting (avoiding hitting, yelling, self-harm…). Alternative behaviors to this can be: reflect before speaking or yelling and hitting, speaking calmly, breathing before acting, putting oneself in the other's shoes, staying calm, etc.

7. Encourage negotiation

Another key point that will allow us to work on how to resolve a conflict between children is to encourage negotiation between the two. It would be a point similar to looking for joint solutions, although not the same.

Here it is about fostering a kind of “deal” that includes understanding what has happened and a guideline to act from now on: for example taking turns to watch TV, not disturbing the other when he is calm, listening to him before speaking, etc.

In this sense, we must convey to them the importance of being flexible and open with others, and how good they can feel by reaching an agreement that they must then respect.

8. Apologize if necessary

It is very good that children can reach agreements, negotiate, listen to each other... But sometimes, when one of the two has acted badly (or more than one), it is important that you can apologize and be aware of the seriousness and / or consequences of your actions.

That is why we must convey the importance of forgiveness and repentance, and that they can verbalize that forgiveness. The objective is that they express it in a sincere way, not "because we are forcing them." "Making mistakes is human, but correcting is wise."

9. Track the situation

It may be that the situation consisted of a specific conflict, or it may also be that it is a matter of recurring conflicts between the children themselves. It is important to detect these types of dynamics if they exist, and act accordingly.

In this way, keeping track of the situation will become another key factor in how to resolve a conflict between children, in this case, focused on preventing possible conflicts or discussions.

We can do this in different ways (depending also on whether we act as teachers, educators, therapists, parents ...), but the important thing will be to observe and take note of the relationship between these people.

Bibliographic references:

• Get up, R. (2005). Coexistence programs in the educational field: Global approach to conflict transformation and school mediation. Mediation, a plural vision: 1-18.
• Cohen, S. & Coronel, C. (2009). Contributions of the theory of social skills to the understanding of violent behavior in children and adolescents. I International Congress of Research and Professional Practice in Psychology. XVI Research Conference Fifth Meeting of Researchers in Psychology of MERCOSUR. Faculty of Psychology - University of Buenos Aires, Buenos Aires.
• Sampascual, G. (2007). Psychology of the education. 2 Volumes. UNED. Madrid.