Gaslighting: the subtlest emotional abuse

Have you ever been told these phrases in response to a complaint: "you are crazy", "that never happened", "you are very sensitive", etc.

If so, They might be using the "Gaslighting" technique to confuse you.

• Related article: "The 8 types of manipulators: how does each act?"

What is Gaslighting?

"Gaslighting" is a pattern of emotional abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting their own perception, judgment or memory. This makes the person feel anxious, confused, or even depressed.

This term, which doesn't really have a Spanish translation, comes from the classic Hollywood movie called "Gaslight", in which a man manipulates his wife so that she believes that she is crazy and thus steal her hidden fortune. He hides objects (paintings, jewels) making his wife believe that she has been responsible, although she does not remember. It also dims the gas light (there was no electricity) and makes you believe that the fire is still glowing at the same intensity as before.

Of course, that makes the protagonist feel that she is going crazy, she does not want to leave the house, is anxious and cries continuously. Her husband warns her that she will leave her relationship, and threatens to send her to a doctor for medication or confinement. Of course, the abuser knows very well what he is doing and would almost get his job done if it weren't for an investigator deciphering the situation and exposing the thief.

• Related article: "Manipulative people have these 5 traits in common"

The characteristics of this type of deception

Although this movie presents us with an extreme case, This manipulation technique is used consciously or unconsciously in relationships.

Let's look at some scenarios. For example, you can say:

"When you said that you hurt me" and the abuser says "I never said that, you are imagining it" and there he plants the seed of doubt.

It could also happen this way:

"When you did that I felt very bad", to which the abuser replied "you are very sensitive, it was only a joke". He tries to persuade us to believe that it was a matter of self-perception error.

Similarly, you might fight and defend yourself but still get the same words: "You are exaggerated", "You are making a storm in a glass of water" or "You are delirious" etc. so that Instead of continuing to confront or walk away, you allow the doubt to arise within you in an attempt to favor the relationship and seek the approval of your partner or family member.

This type of manipulation is very subtle but dangerous, as it leads to continuing toxic relationships, to believe that there is really something wrong with us, to be insecure and to depend on the opinion of others. It can also take us away from loved ones for fear of being confronted about your relationship.

• You may be interested: "Emotional blackmail: a powerful form of manipulation in the couple"

Possible effects

These are the main psychological effects of gaslighting in the medium and long term, and they lead the victim to assume that she lacks the criteria to make decisions for herself.

1. Doubts about the ability to remember well

Gaslighting makes the victim doubt about the functioning of his memory, since the manipulative person convinces her that she remembers things that did not happen.

2. Doubts about one's own reasoning

This leads the victim to not trust her ability to reason and make decisions, so seek help in the judgment of others, and especially in the manipulative person, who makes you see her supposed mistakes.

3. Doubts related to one's own mental health

In extreme cases, the victim assumes you have a psychological disorder that would explain their inappropriate emotional reactions, or their ways of thinking far from reality.

4. Low level of self-esteem

All of the above is reflected in a low level of self-esteem in general.

How to realize Gaslighting

These are 10 signs to know if we are being "Gaslighteado" (information collected from psychologist Robin Stern, author of the book The gaslighting effect).

1. You constantly question your ideas or actions.
2. You wonder if you are overly sensitive many times a day.
3. You are always apologizing: to your parents, to your partner, to the boss.
4. You wonder why you are not happy, if so much good things are apparently happening in your life.
5. You constantly make excuses to your family or friends for your partner's behavior.
6. You see yourself withholding or hiding information so you don't have to explain or make excuses to partners or friends.
7. You start to lie to avoid being changed from reality.
8. It's hard for you to make decisions, even simple ones.
9. You feel like you can't do anything right.
10. You wonder if you're constantly being good enough daughter / friend / employee / boyfriend / girlfriend.

What can you do?

As subtle as this type of manipulation is, we are not defenseless against it. There are ways to deal with this type of attack, unless there is already a strong precedent for abuse and we cannot deal with the situation with a minimum of composure.

In order to act in cases of Gaslighting, you can follow these guidelines:

1. Trust your intuition

If you feel that something is not right, pay attention to it and examine which parts don't add up. When it comes to analyzing our own experiences, our experience counts more than the rest.

Furthermore, communication is not a game in which you have to make an effort to understand everything that others are saying. In a couple, if a message has not been understood, the responsibility is often shared (as long as we have paid attention to it).

2. Don't seek approval

Resist the urge to convince the other to get approvalInstead, you can say "We disagree" or "I thought about what you told me but it doesn't feel true to me" or "I listen to what you say, but my reality is very different from yours." You are perfectly free to end a conversation.

This is only recommended in cases of Gaslighting, since in any other context, such as in a discussion in which the arguments of the other person are solid, it can become an excuse not to admit that you are not right and, ultimately, a tool of the cognitive dissonance.

3. Remember your sovereignty over your own thoughts

Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad, and no one can tell you if what you feel is true or not. If you say "that made me feel criticized" or "I felt sad about what you did" you are not subjecting it to debate. At the end of the day, if you feel that you are humiliated or psychologically damaged, only you feel that; what you experience is not up for discussion.

Don't apologize for feelingWhat you should avoid is attacking, manipulating or acting in a harmful way.

4. Be aware of your values

What values ​​do you want to be remembered for? Create a list of personal values. For example, "spending quality time with loved ones", "keeping promises", "being generous / compassionate", "telling the truth", "traveling", "keeping an open mind", "staying spiritual". This will help you stay focused and also know what you value in others.

In a way, values ​​act as the backbone of our behavior. Whatever happens, what others say or do or not should force us to go against them. The moment someone pressures us to violate these basic principles, we will know that we are being manipulated.

5. Keep your personal limits

If someone trespasses, let them know and pose a consequence. For example, if you are yelled at or verbally abused, you can say "I don't feel comfortable with what you said, it seems disrespectful to me and I'm not going to let it go." Keep firm.

If it repeats, let it be known again and depending on the relationship, look for a sincere dialogue where both of you agree not to do it again or walk away.

If the person is not responsible for her faults and continues "gaslighteándote" ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship or the frequency of visits in case of family or friends. Working on your own assertiveness is essential to assert your own interests with dignity.

Bibliographic references:

• Adkins, K.C. (2019). Gaslighting by crowd. Social Philosophy Today. 35: pp. 75 - 87.
• Rey-Anacona, C.A. (2009). Physical, Psychological, Emotional, Sexual and Economic Abuse in Dating: An Exploratory Study. Colombian Act of Psychology 12 (2): pp. 27-36.
• Rodríguez-Carballeira, A. (2005). A comparative study of psychological abuse strategies: in a relationship, in the workplace and in manipulative groups. Yearbook of Psychology.
• Spear, A.D. (2019). Epistemic dimensions of gaslighting: peer-disagreement, self-trust, and epistemic injustice. Inquiry: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Philosophy: pp. 1 - 24.
• Sweet, P.L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review. 84 (5): pp. 851 - 875.