The power struggle in couple relationships

“I promise to be faithful to you in joys and sorrows, in health and in illness, every day of my life.

"I, I love you..., as a wife and I give myself to you, and I promise to be faithful to you in joys and sorrows, in health and in illness, every day of my life."

Those are the promises we hear over and over again when couples have the illusion of living together happily and peacefully after getting married. But... What happens when conflicts start at the same time? Is the fairy tale over?

Conflicts in the couple

The conflicts in couples they respond to multiple factors. Today I want to share one of the reasons why couples begin to have conflicts and it is imperceptible to the eyes of the newlyweds, to the point that they begin to tangle until generating the effect of a ball of snow.

At first, by the same infatuation effect, couples usually put aside their needs, interests and personal preferences, to be at the service of the loved one. But once a certain stability or security of the other's love is obtained, the person returns to focus on her own well-being, again resumes his life thinking about their interests, tastes, preferences, without having to suppress their opinions or decisions or access situations that are unpleasant. That is

can be shown as is, without worrying about whether it will be accepted or rejected, because there is a commitment that makes you feel that "the other person must adjust" to her world.

At this moment, a form of power struggle begins to be generated.. It is a common phenomenon in couples who did not acquire the necessary emotional tools during the courtship to solve the daily problems of living together.

What is the power struggle?

The power struggle is defined as the confluence of internal forces where egocentricity and the intrinsic need for self-affirmation prevail in each of the couple.

When this condition occurs in a couple, initially its members may not recognize that each one is fighting for power. Therefore, very often they point to or accuse the other for the problems that occur.

Typical phrases in couples: "She is always the one who does..., she does not understand, ignores me..., she wants what she says to be done, period". "He doesn't understand me, he just wants me to do what he says, I don't have to leave me, he doesn't send me."

Becoming aware

There are also cases in which the members of the couple have recognized that they reproduce this dynamic of relationships but do not know how to get out of it. An example of these situations in consultation are the following comments: “I tell her, but she He ignores me, it takes time for someone else to tell him the same thing, he only rejects those ideas because they come from my". Or: "He has to do the exact opposite of what I ask him to do."

At this point, the couples don't realize it, but have started a war in which the objective is to show who has the power. They stop being at the service of the other to use the relationship. In other words, the relationship "must be" rewarding for me or meet my expectations and it completely forgets that it involves two.

Now, the most important question with which to start the analysis in therapy is this: Why do you fight for power? Also: what are you feeling or what did you stop feeling so that you consider that you should have the power? Or: at what point was the promise “I give myself to you, to take care of you, to respect you every day of my life was lost? However, delving into these questions to find an honest answer is not easy.

Symptoms of the power struggle

Let's see typical cases that are heard in therapy where a power struggle has been generated.

• Always be right: clinging to defend your point of view, losing the ability to listen and understand the other.

• Seek your own interests: focus on her needs and interests without caring about the other person's. In this way, the other person must take care of her for her own well-being.

• Be perfect or perfect: maintain arguments in which as a person you never make mistakes, you only have qualities and the other person is solely responsible for the problems in the relationship. They easily find the partner's flaws, but it becomes a very difficult task for them to find, accept and, above all, want to modify their own flaws.

• Idealization of the perfect partner: There are people who focus their efforts on having a perfect relationship, without problems, crisis or discrepancies. Therefore, they need to feel that they are in control in the relationship to avoid disagreements; preventing the other person from feeling like a symmetrical part of the relationship.

Why is the power struggle taking place?

In all cases, the main reason for the symptoms mentioned above is the same: the feeling of inferiority.

When people feel undervalued, excluded, minimized or unable to satisfy the couple, channel their frustration, helplessness, anger and sadness through a compensatory feeling: the superiority. In other words, people find in "power" the security they have lost in themselves. Unfortunately, they hold the other person responsible for her discomfort, that is, instead of solving her lack of worth, deposit the cause of their ills in the couple: "if he even paid attention to me once ...", the patients. But they lose sight of the fact that for this power struggle to take place, two are needed.

One person alone cannot start the "battles" that sometimes come to the consultation. Both try to defend their territory, both feel that they are failing the other, both have lost many things…

Solving the situation

Stopping fighting for power in a relationship is not an easy task. Professional help is often required, because the problem is mixed with affective deficiencies in each of the protagonists and the communication failures. However, when couples gradually realize the deterioration suffered by this attitude, they assume challenges that allow them to interact with more security and this in turn generates, more tranquility and opening.

Then, I propose some exercises that you can do while the professional help arrivesl:

1. Courtesy

Let's imagine for a moment that our partner is not our partner, he or she is a very good partner or co-worker, who in difficult times is there for us. Now, let's start any conversation. Easily we will notice that it is usually more courteous, subtle, friendly. We will take care of our gestures, tone and words so as not to offend or hurt their feelings.

2. Finding the point in favor

Let's forget for a moment our desire to win the fight, and focus on listening to the other person. Let's find a point where we can agree with him.

3. Taking care of the other

It is more than clear that there are many resentments resulting from the fights, which must be addressed with the professional, but at this moment we express our desire to fight for the relationship, it is worth aiming to take care of the other person. For that we can do the following: let's ask the other person, before going to bed: "What do you want me to help you with tomorrow?" And let's try to fulfill that task as if it were a sacred request.

4. Physical contact

It has been shown that in couples in which physical contact is lost there is a greater propensity to think each one on their own without communicating effectively and thus opens up space to start fighting for their own interests. Therefore, although at the beginning it is not natural or comfortable, before starting the day you can hug the other person tightly, hug each other tightly, expecting nothing more than to enjoy the hug.

5. Surprise

Let's try to surprise the other person according to what he likes or interests. Let's focus on breaking the fear of rejection or looking bad.

6. Ask for opinions

Each case is unique, and the best way to know if the right thing is being done is contrast our opinion with that of other people. Sometimes professional help is indisputable, but in some cases we may not need this help.

7. Making us happy

Let's not deposit our happiness on the other person. Let's find activities that we enjoy and make us feel good. Let us treat each other with affection and value ourselves as people. Once we feel capable and secure in the relationship, without realizing it, we will not need to fight for power... we will be happy with the gains of a stable and equitable relationship.