Assertiveness: extending self-esteem into relationships

Assertiveness is a communication style linked to social skills. This term is very close to that of self-esteem, it is a skill closely linked to respect and care for oneself and others.

In this article we will better understand the relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem, differentiating between 3 types of individuals: passive, aggressive and assertive people.

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The relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem

The lack of assertiveness is expressed through two extremes of the same pole, at one extreme are passive people, those you consider shy, ready to feel stepped on and not respected; At the other extreme are aggressive people, who step on others and do not take into account the needs of the other.

Assertiveness can be understood as a path to self-esteem, towards the ability to relate to others as equals, being neither above nor below. Only those who have adequate self-esteem, who appreciate and value themselves, will be able to relate to others in the same plane, recognizing those who are better in some skill, but not feeling inferior or superior to others.

The non-assertive person, whether withdrawn or aggressive, cannot have adequate self-esteem since he feels the compelling need to be valued by others.

It is rare for a person to go to a psychologist's office suffering from a problem of lack of assertiveness. Instead of this they usually refer problems of anxiety, shyness, guilt, frequent arguments, malfunction in the couple, conflicts at work or similar problems. Often an evaluation by the professional highlights a deficit of social skills, expressed in behaviors little assertive, either because the person is at the pole of passivity, aggressiveness, or because it fluctuates between both extremes.

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The types of people according to their relationship with assertiveness

Next, we will talk about the passive person, the aggressive person and the assertive person, but it should be borne in mind that no one is purely aggressive or passive, not even assertive. People we have tendencies towards any of these behaviors, more or less accentuated, but there are no "pure types". For this reason, we can exhibit some of these behaviors in certain situations that cause us difficulties, while in others we can react completely differently.

1. The passive person

The passive person does not defend personal rights and interests. Respect others, but not yourself.

It is characterized by a social behavior marked by a low volume of voice, speech is not very fluent, being able to block or stutter. Refuses eye contact, looks down, body posture is tense, shows insecurity as to what to do and / or what to say and frequently complains about other people because she does not feel understood or because others take advantage of her.

The thought pattern is of "sacrificed" people who at all times try to avoid annoying or offending others, feel a deep need to be loved and appreciated by everyone and often feel misunderstood, manipulated or not held in account.

The emotions they usually feel are helplessness, guilt, anxiety and frustration. They have a lot of mental energy but it does not show itself physically, they can feel anger but they do not show it and sometimes they do not even recognize it themselves. This pattern of behavior often leads to loss of self-esteem and sometimes loss of appreciation from other people (who are so desperately needed and constantly looking for).

Passive behaviors make other people feel guilty or superior because, depending on how the other is, one may have the constant feeling of being in debt to the passive person or you may feel superior to it and able to take advantage of it. Somatic problems are also common (gastritis, contractures, headaches, problems cutaneous ...) because the great psychic tension that they suffer when denying themselves ends up being expressed in the Body.

In some cases these people have excessive outbursts of aggressiveness, standing at the other pole. These outbursts can be very uncontrolled and are the result of the accumulation of tensions and hostility that end up spilling over.

2. The aggressive person

Defend personal rights and interests excessively, without taking into account those of others: sometimes he does not really take them into account and other times he lacks the skills to face certain situations.

In his manifest behavior we observe a high tone of voice, sometimes speech is not very fluid due to being hasty, he speaks sharply, interrupts, can insult and / or threaten. She has a tendency to counterattack.

Eye contact is challenging, his face expresses tension and invades the personal space of the other with his body posture. At the level of thought, these individuals believe that if they do not behave in this way they are excessively vulnerable, they place everything in terms of win-lose and can harbor ideas such as "there are bad and vile people who deserve to be punished" or "it is horrible that things do not turn out the way I would like them to. come out ”.

They tend to feel growing anxiety and their behavior leads to loneliness and misunderstanding. They may feel frustrated and guilty. Self-esteem is low, hence the constant belligerence (it is a defense). They feel very honest and transparent because they express what they feel, but when they do it out of anger or impulsiveness they tend to hurt others.

The consequences of this type of behavior is that these people generally provoke rejection or flight by others. On the other hand they enter a vicious circle, by forcing others to be increasingly hostile, for what they reinforce this aggressiveness to defend themselves from the hostility that they themselves have caused.

The passive-aggressive style, a mixture of the previous two, is one in which the apparently passive person harbors a lot of resentment inside. Lacking the skills to express this discomfort adequately, these people use subtle and indirect methods such as irony, sarcasm or hints, trying to make the other person feel bad but without exposing themselves in an obvious way as the responsible.

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3. The assertive person

Assertive are those people who know their own rights and defend them, respecting others, that is, they are not going to "win", but to "reach an agreement".

In their external behavior, speech is fluent, they are confident, with direct eye contact but without challenging, the tone is relaxed, the posture is comfortable.

They express their feelings, both positive and negative, defending yourself without attacking, honestly, being able to talk about their tastes or interests, being able to disagree or ask for clarifications, being able to recognize errors and without the need for the other to give them reason.

Regarding their pattern of thought, they know and believe in rights for themselves and for others. Their mental schemes are mostly rational, this means that they are not dominated by irrational beliefs typical of other styles communication such as the idea according to which "I must be accepted and loved by everyone" or "it is horrible that things do not turn out the way I do I want".

His self-esteem is healthy, feel like they control their emotionsThey do not feel inferior or superior to others, they have satisfactory relationships with others and they respect themselves.

This way of feeling and expressing themselves, of respecting themselves and respecting others, implies that they know how to defend themselves from the attacks of others, without using that same hostility. They can resolve misunderstandings and other similar situations and the people they deal with feel respected and valued, so these people are usually considered "good people" but not "Fools".

A final thought

Assertiveness is a social skill and as such can be trained, no one is born assertive and no one is condemned to be a "clumsy" or unskillful person for their whole life, always reacting with hostility or inhibition. Like any skill, the person who wants to develop an assertive style requires practice to improve.

Bibliographic references:

• Castanyer, O.. (2003). Assertiveness: expression of healthy self-esteem. Bilbao: Descleé de Brouwer.