How to restore broken relationships?

As social animals that we are, personal relationships are one of the most important elements in people's lives. It is not just about networks of alliances that offer support and help at key moments; In addition, they help us to know ourselves and, of course, offer us the possibility of loving and to connect emotionally with people important to us, one of the most enriching.

However, it would be a mistake to assume that affective relationships will always be there regardless of what happens or what we do; Sometimes they deteriorate to the point of practically breaking, but the good news is that many times this has a solution: family and couples therapy are an example of this.

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5 psychological keys to repair broken relationships

These are the main pillars on which any strategy must be built to restore a broken or damaged affective relationship.

1. You have to know when to raise the dialogue to re-connect

Trying to talk to the other person and clarify things as soon as possible is not always positive; In this regard, it must be taken into account that the other person is not a robot and it is necessary to take into account her emotional state and the way in which it influences her willingness to communicate.

It's important to put attention on the moment of reconciliation requires involvement on the part of both, and the other person cannot be expected to be receptive to this possibility at any time. For example, right after a big argument it is often rushed if the other person is even more angry than we are. You have to choose a time and a place where you have privacy, time that can be dedicated to talk, and an emotional disposition that makes it possible to really speak, and not simply exchange words.

Of course, we must also take into account the trap-thoughts that lead us not to dare to speak about what happened and expose ourselves to criticism and options for change in the way we relate to it. other. The reasons that lead to leaving that conversation for later must be reasonable and conform to objective criteria.

2. Reconciliation cannot be achieved without listening first

Many people willing to reconcile with someone important to them are eager to express their opinions and points of view about what has happened and damaged the relationship. However, this approach is often counterproductive, because it is too one-sided, and what to look for is a mutual encounter.

Therefore, when taking the first steps to "make up" and / or start a new stage of the relationship, you have to do it by showing genuine interest from the first minute. for listening to the other person and accepting that perhaps it is more important for him to speak, depending on what he expresses and the context in which that takes place conversation.

3. Personal insecurities are dealt with separately

Many times, the emotional ties that unite two people are damaged by the fears and insecurities of one of them, who projects their fears on the other when interpreting what she does. This is clearly seen in the case of excess jealousy: the belief that one is not valuable enough to deserve the fidelity of the person he loves leads to the assumption that there is many possibilities that he will leave us by going with someone else, and that generates an anxiety and an attitude of hypervigilance that deteriorates the relationship.

In these cases, it is important to know that you have to start by learning to value yourself, and this is something in which the another person can participate, but we cannot depend on her involvement, because this dependence would feed those insecurities. Self-esteem is something that you cannot depend on another person.

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4. Criticisms are necessary

Criticizing is not bad in itself, as long as it is constructive criticism. In fact, they are necessary to correct behavior patterns that have damaged that relationship that we want to repair. Of course, it is important to establish a pact that involves both of you: criticism is directed towards behaviors, not towards the identity or essence of the person. In this way, the conversation is focused on the need to modify a certain behavior.

5. Damage needs to be repaired

Sometimes it will not be possible to fully repair the damage caused, but it is always important to try to approximate that idea of ​​retribution. The importance of this has to do with showing commitment so that things in the relationship change qualitatively and that affective bond passes to a better stage than the previous one. Facts matter more than words when apologizing and correcting behavior.

Are you interested in starting a process of family or couples therapy?

If you are considering seeking professional help to start going to couples therapy or family therapy, I invite you to contact me.

On Psychoconsulting We work serving both individual patients and families and couples who seek to strengthen their relationship and overcome conflict dynamics. Based on an intervention program adapted to each case and that can take place in person or by video call, We will create a space in which to develop communication skills, emotional management and improvement of the ability to connect with the other.

Bibliographic references:

• Acker, M.; Davis, M. (1992). Intimacy, passion, and commitment in adult romantic relationships: a test of the triangular theory of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 9 (1): pp. 21 - 50.
• Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31: pp. 217 - 233.
• Christensen, A.; Atkins, D.C.; Yi, J.; Baucom, D.H. & George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. J Consult Clin Psychol, 74 (6): pp. 1180 - 1191.
• Snowman, J. (1997). Educational Psychology: What Do We Teach, What Should We Teach? Educational Psychology, 9, pp. 151 - 169.
• De la Villa Moral Jiménez, M. & Sirvent Ruiz, C. (2008). Sentimental or affective dependencies: etiology, classification and evaluation. Oviedo University. Department of Psychology. Social Psychology Area.
• Shackelford, T.K.; Voracek, M.; Schmitt, D.P.; Buss, D.M.; Weekes-Shackelford, V.A.; Michalski, R.L. (2004). Romantic jealousy in early adulthood and in later life. Human Nature. 15(3): 283 - 300.