Keys to establishing norms and limits in a democratic and effective way

In families there are different ways of establishing norms and limits, depending on the parenting style exercised by the parents.

This parenting style constitutes an essential element in the development of the child, since it influences the construction of the child as a person and in their way of locating themselves in the world.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

Establishing norms through an appropriate and consistent parenting style

How are rules and limits established in each parenting style? And what consequences do they have for minors?

In the authoritarian style, parents adopt a role of excessive control over their children, giving them little autonomy. They tend to impose the rules in a unidirectional and inflexible way, without dwelling on the specific needs of minors. In case of non-compliance they frequently resort to punishment.

They often feel unheard and important, with a perception of low internal control. They have little critical capacity and difficulty to negotiate or resolve conflicts assertively. On the contrary, they tend towards imposition and submission.

In both the permissive / overprotective style and the negligent style, parents set few limits and norms, and set them inconsistently. In fact, they are often set by the minors themselves. The main difference between both styles is that while in the first there is a high level of affectivity expressed, in the second the lack of care, affection and protection of the minor abounds, delegating the upbringing in third parties.

What consequences can it have on your children? In both scenarios we are faced with insecure people, since they do not have a structure of limits that provides stability. Also, having been exposed to few "no's", they have a low tolerance for frustration. However, in the first case, children tend to be self-centered, waiting for the world to grant them the same prominence as their m / parents, while in the latter they perceive themselves as little valuable.

Finally, in the democratic style, parents are a healthy figure of affection and authority. They set rules and limits in a respectful manner, and resort to negotiation when deemed appropriate. They carry communication as a banner, and enhance the autonomy of their children.

What consequences can it have on your children? Minors are perceived as being listened to, participating and, consequently, important. They have healthy levels of self-esteem, tolerate frustration well and are able to negotiate and express themselves in an assertive and respectful way with others, because they have been able to learn from models optimal.

As can be guessed, the democratic style is the most recommended of the four, since it provides the minor with a series of resources and tools that allow him to adequately face the conflictive situations that occur in his day to day life.

• You may be interested in: "Respectful Parenting of Children: 6 Tips for Parents"

How can we approach a democratic parenting model?

In families, it is convenient that there are (a) issues that the parents decide, (b) issues that are negotiated between parents and children, and (c) issues that the minors decide independently. All these issues have to be adjusted according to the age of the children, giving them control and granting them, consequently, greater autonomy, confidence and decision-making capacity.

1. Select the necessary "no's"

It is convenient limit the use of "no" to central or essential aspects, and that we know that we can deliver. We often end up giving in by being unable to comply with all our refusals and, in this way, we reduce the credibility of our "no's."

2. Offer options

As far as possible, substitute "no" for alternatives and negotiation, transferring control to the minor. Instead of "You can't play" try "Of course you can play, as soon as you've finished cleaning up your room."

3. It allows there to be topics on which the child decides freely

Of course, should be topics that do not compromise your safety and protectionsuch as their physical appearance, the games they embark on, or their extracurricular activities.

4. Be clear, precise and respectful when setting rules and limits, explaining them

We can substitute "Be good" for "Honey, please wait for me sitting down and talking softly, there are quiet people in the waiting room and we don't want to disturb them."

5. Be consistent

Being flexible and respectful of their needs does not imply that we constantly redefine the rules, or that they always "get away with it". Children require a clear structure that allows them to anticipate what is allowed and what is not, what are the conditions they must comply to have access to a certain pleasant activity or what are the consequences of not complying with the rules. Consistency gives them security and control.

6. Reinforces

It is essential that, when the minor respects a rule or limit, we value or appreciate her behavior.

7. To end...

By last, remember that educational styles speak of trends and are dynamic. That is, we can work every day to get closer to the style of motherhood that we want to exercise based on our personal and family values.

Author: Cristina Aristimuño de las Heras, General Health Psychologist.