Morals and resilience, how sometimes they help each other and sometimes they get in the way

The reason for this title is the surprise with which we discovered in the consultation how the people who ask us for help are influenced by the family and social values, sometimes acting as a trench or refuge in the face of the problem they bring, and other times reinforcing the torture that suffer.

Although the concept of morality has a religious tinge, we will rely on it to illustrate what happens when personal values ​​become rigid and they do not allow second chances, drawing an explosive red line between what is right and what is wrong. And it is that people who live at the crossroads may be forced by the context to act against their own schemes, generating suffering and crises that are difficult to solve.

In this article we will expose what happens when guidelines or norms are forged within a person that lead to anxiety and how it can be solved to finally allow yourself a break and move forward with ease. At the end of the day, that's what resilience is all about - dealing with adverse events successfully.

• Related article: "What is morality? Discovering the development of ethics in childhood"

The importance of values ​​in psychotherapy

We regard values ​​as those ideas, attitudes, philosophies that the person values; and if it is also consistent with those values, it is the person himself who gains value in his own eyes.

It does not matter much if the values ​​come from social, family or cultural norms, the important thing is that they become entrenched in the human being, strengthening his capacity to resolve the conflicts that life poses, generating security and motivating the search for experiences that add the human being in their repertoire of memories nice.

Although the opposite can also happen, that they do not strengthen the human being but rather crucify him and strip him of his dignity. This is the case of people who feel that they must strictly abide by their values, be successful, be responsible and good people, etc. In these cases there is a discomfort, sometimes like a sledgehammer on his head that passes sentence, other times like a knife that sticks through the heart, and the pain is unbearable, because whatever they do is never enough: there are always mistakes to point out, stumbling blocks to punish, and failures that warn like a bad omen.

Likewise, it may also happen that there is an absence of values, resulting in a response of indifference to the events. In these cases, psychologically, we would speak of very serious problems that would prevent introspection or healthy bonding with other people.

The difference is critical depending on if the same relationship of a person with his values ​​leads to suffering, to be comforted or to indifference, since this determines the way of walking towards what is desired, of seeing to others, to think of alternatives, to resolve conflicts, to look to the past, to contemplate the future, etc.

• You may be interested: "The 10 types of values: principles that govern our lives"

When values ​​turn against you

Values ​​always start from learning, the same that we receive from the people who saw us being born, who gave us life and introduced us to the world. Emotional Intelligence places a lot of emphasis on this aspect, not so much on what to teach, but on how to teach it, from what point of view or emotional state.

We usually meet people in consultation who try to resolve conflicts with themselves, and not only with the event that has unbalanced them. As we listen to you, we perceive what is the way of speaking. That is, they can criticize themselves for not having acted, expressing that they will never be able to express what they feel, staying anchored in "I don't want to think about it, no, no, no ...". When we dig deeper and patients are aware of this way of communicating with themselves, we find that relationship with their referents.

These problems are frequent after having lived with parents who were afraid when their child suffered and responded with anxiety (“don't worry, don't worry!”), Or who firmly believed "the letter with blood enters" ("if you do not study I will enroll you in a military school so that you learn to value the effort"), or that due to the economic burden and the pressure of work could not be aware of the emotional state of their children (having them so young that they solve conflicts without wanting to tell no one).

If no one has paid attention to this learning, these children will reach an adult world in which they will surely they will replicate this way of relating, increasing the probability of developing anxiety disorders, depression and obsessive disorders, which are generally diseases that are the result of a system that cannot cope with all the remains that are posed to it.

When values ​​become virtue and resilience

Safe, calm and attentive referents transmit the same values, but in this sense there is a great difference. Security does not mean in any case "whatever happens, you can handle everything"Mr. Wonderful-style message that conveys anxiety beyond the overstimulation that produces an illusion of control. The true meaning of security, as an emotional state, is knowing how to be present, whether it is going well or Things are wrong, right or wrong, since what is truly important is the relationship, not the result.

An adult who recognizes that he is wrong, even if he is screwed, is a safe adult, since he will look at her son or daughter with the same eyes, which will observe "what has happened "when it has failed or has been hurt, and will put aside the" what have you done ", that message so counterproductive that it is loaded with culpability.

What are you broadcasting from security? That there is always a choice, that not everything is fighting, that you can surrender to lick your wounds, that the strength is in the tranquility and not in aggressiveness, that to disagree with the adult's opinion is a right, that you are loved both in good times and in the bad guys.

Patients who have received this type of Secure Attachment are able to experience what is outside of their internal norms to explore more options and not fall into eternal punishment, learn from the result and always be able to choose, essential to adapt to the world.

What can you do when the battle of courage makes you suffer?

Although we have focused on fathers and mothers as references, all of us can exercise how to fall into the errors that we have seen. And that is the key, that values ​​are reinforced when they work with other people. We are social beings, we need others, even if they have the ability to harm us, hence the benefit of being selective.

Anyone who has grown up with internal messages that block him, hurt him, saturate him... has had positive experiences on her own, part of the growth process (experiences at university, related to work, sports, art, being a father or mother, etc.), only that your brain even now I only selected those memories that are closely linked to internal messages, hence when they come for consultation they express that "I have always been bad ”.

Teach that mind with resources its own capabilities she is part of the work we do in Therapeutics on the Rise, transmitting security from calm and professionalism, always respecting what the person who suffers wants to achieve, maintaining their own values, which always They functioned as a whip that imposed punishment, and now they will become that companion who helps, with effort and perseverance, to pave the way to a future possible.